


It'll Pass

by shuhannon



Category: Fleabag (TV), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: "I don't know what this feeling is...", Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, BEN SOLO NEEDS TO MAKE LIKE MARTIN LUTHER AND LEAVE THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, Bathroom Sex, Ben Solo is a Mess, Ben Solo is a hot mess, Ben Solo needs to get better at considering all options, Ben Solo once again picks the path of most resistance, Boat Sex, Confessional Sex, Could have still put the D in the V Ben, Cryber Bingo Exchange, Except the third person is God, F/M, Fleabag AU, Forbidden Love, God is a cockblock of biblical magnitude, House Cryber, IT'S LOVE DUMMY, Love Triangles, Lutheran priests can have sex and get married, Martin Luther nailed the 95 theses so Ben could nail Rey, No menage a toi with you God, Oral Sex, Rey (Star Wars) is a Mess, Rey has a one night stand with a nameless OC, Rey is a hot mess, Reylo - Freeform, Reysistance Inaugural Bingo, Shower Sex, This is how I'm coping with season two of Fleabag, Who's ready for the Velicopastor Ren spin off?, You could have been a Lutheran priest Ben, priestlo, you're going to suffer but you're going to be happy about it?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2020-09-25 23:35:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 43,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20379988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuhannon/pseuds/shuhannon
Summary: This was a love story.Rey didn’t mean for it to be one. She wasn’t looking for love. She hadn’t been longing for a relationship, someone to come home to or to go to the movies with. She hadn’t even been looking for someone to provide a steady outlet for sex.She had been perfectly content with her life. Her job was good, her friends were better. Finally, she was at a stage where she didn’t have to live off of easy mac and ramen; where she didn’t need to pinch every penny just to last until her next paycheck.She was happy. She was thriving.Until him.* * *rey is fleabag. ben is the hot priest.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> this is my attempt to cope with the second season of 'fleabag'. all aboard for hotpriest!ben. this is also my fic for the reysistance bingo exchange! i used house cryber's bingo board and my tiles are sin / pining / conflict / hut / moping.
> 
> a million thanks to [meeda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meeda/pseuds/meeda) for beta-ing yet another one of my fics. your feedback and commentary are the best. 'god is a cockblock of biblical magnitude'. ♥️

  


This was a love story.

Rey didn’t mean for it to be one. She wasn’t looking for love. She hadn’t been longing for a relationship, someone to come home to or to go to the movies with. She hadn’t even been looking for someone to provide a steady outlet for sex.

She had been perfectly content with her life. Her job was good, her friends were better. Finally, she was at a stage where she didn’t have to live off of easy mac and ramen; where she didn’t need to pinch every penny just to last until her next paycheck.

She was happy. She was thriving. 

Until him.

* * *

“Han and I are going to renew our vows.”

Rey almost spit out her wine. Hastily, she swallowed, sharing a glance with Finn to her left and Poe across the table. Both boys had giant grins plastered on their faces. Polite smiles, their eyes wide.

She could tell that they were just as shocked as she was.

“You’re renewing your vows.” Rey spoke tentatively, drawing out each word as if trying to make her boss and his sometimes estranged wife understand what they had just said. Maybe this was a mistake. Han Solo and Leia Organa were smart people, both accomplished in their respective fields.

Maybe they didn’t know what a vow renewal actually meant.

“Yep, kid.” Han was grinning so wide, already raising his half empty beer glass into the air. “Figured we’ve been together this long. Our first wedding was quick, what with Leia being pregnant and all.”

He was radiating excitement, a giddy infectious energy like a kid on Christmas morning.

Leia was at his side and remained more calm, neutral. Then again, she always was the voice of reason in that relationship. “We’ve been apart for so long,” she began to explain looking to Rey and then Finn and finally Poe, pausing on each of their faces for a turn. “We just want to do something to show our recommitment.”

“So you’re renewing your vows.” Rey repeated once more, flashing a plea for help to Poe. Poe had known Leia and Han since he was a kid, had practically been raised by them after his parents died. 

There was a pause and then:

“Congratulations! We should celebrate.” Already Poe was waving down their waitress, a woman who was a little too eager to serve, ordering a bottle of champagne for the table.

This was not the kind of help Rey meant.

She loved Han and Leia. Truly, she did. They were the only family Rey had, other than Poe, Rose and Finn. They helped her out in more ways than one when she began to work at Han’s engineering firm. But renewing their vows? Who were so in love it was disgusting and made everyone around them want to gag? Couples who couldn’t keep their hands off of one another?

Rey had witnessed Han cup Leia’s ass once, but somehow she didn’t think that counted.

Still… still they looked happy. And if this was what they wanted to do…who was Rey to put a damper on their party?

Taking a long sip of her wine, Rey let out a soft exhale before she too flashed the couple a smile. “So, do you have anything planned? Did you set a date? Who's going to perform the ceremony?”

* * *

“Sorry I’m late.”

They were already halfway through dinner and on their second bottle of champagne when a tall tree of a man stopped in front of their table. He paused, glancing around before taking the only available seat besides Poe and across from Rey.

“Hey man, good to see you,” Poe was saying, flashing the large man an easy, laid back smile. The man was slipping off of his coat, and Rey couldn’t help but notice the way the buttons down the front of his dress shirt seemed to be under immense pressure to hold the garment together. 

He looked like the original man; a real life version of Adam who looked exceptionally good in business casual and had the most voluminous, dark hair that Rey was debating asking him for shampoo recommendations.

Of course, the poor man had barely sat down when the needy waitress was already standing at his side, order pad in her hand and pen poised at the ready.

“What can I get for you, my dear? Drink? Food?”

“I’ll just take a tequila for now.”

His voice was a deep baritone that caused Rey to shift in her seat and down the rest of her glass of champagne. “I’ll take one too,” She added, giving her empty glass a small shake as she flashed the waitress a tight smile.

“Finn, Rey-” Albeit with regret, Rey tore her eyes off of the poor man’s buttons (they were working so hard), and gave Leia her full attention as the older woman continued to speak.

“Poe already knows, obviously, but I don’t think either of you have ever met. This is our son, Ben.”

Rey’s knowledge of Ben was limited. Mostly it was just stories and tales from his childhood shenanigans and teenage adventures with Poe. The last Rey had heard, work had taken him out of the area, and Leia always lamated that her only child didn’t call nearly enough.

Apparently, the announcement of vow renewals brought all sorts of family members out of the woodwork. Next, they would be announcing that Leia’s brother was coming to visit from his pilgrimage that spanned decades. 

Religion always tended to make people crazy. Or at least that had been Rey’s experience.

“Nice to meet you,” Finn was saying, while Rey offered nothing more than a polite smile. She didn’t trust herself to speak, not when the wine had mixed with champagne and the portions here had been so fucking small.

At this rate, Rey was going to have to grab a burger on the way home. Maybe she could talk Finn into heading to the diner over on Walnut Street that was open all night long. She could really go for some chicken fingers. Or some pancakes. Maybe both.

The waitress returned with two tall, thin glasses of tequila in record timing. Ben glanced her way, raising his glass in a silent cheers, an action which Rey mimicked before knocking the clear liquid back.

Everyone else was talking now, sharing stories and reminiscing. 

It seemed the prodigal son had returned.

“So, Ben.” Rey shifted in her seat, leaning forward, her forearms resting against the edge of the table. “Are you going to fight Chewy to be Han’s best man?” She couldn’t stop looking at his face. It was intriguing, one that you initially didn’t understand. Like red wine or a strong coffee, it took time to appreciate his alquine nose and his full lips. The beauty marks scattered across his face merely piqued Rey’s interest, and she began to wonder if they were covering his entire body. Not to mention those deep set eyes that were now staring straight back.

“Chewy actually is free to have the gig.” His voice was nonchalant and, had Rey been paying attention more, she would have noticed the look that Han and Leia shared.

“Afraid he would kick your ass otherwise?” Ben was huge. Rey wasn’t stupid nor blind. It was clear that the buttons of his shirt were strained due to muscle rather than anything else. Nonetheless, Chewy was bigger. Chewy could easily take him.

“No,” He was smirking now as he shifted in his seat. His own glass of tequila was empty, and Rey watched as his large hand curled around the neck of the champagne bottle.

Never before had Rey been jealous of a champagne bottle.

She was about to press him for more; to ask more questions in order to gain the answers she craved. Just as she opened her mouth, Leia beat her to it.

“Ben’s going to be officiating the ceremony, dear.” 

A very unladylike snort was heard. “Are you one of those losers that got ordained online?” Not that he would need to be ordained. Leia and Han were still legally married. Probably. Most likely.

“No, I’m a priest.”

It was like a bucket of cold ice water had been dumped down her back. Nothing sobered you more than a man who was married to Jesus. 

“You’re not dressed like a priest.” The words blurted from her mouth, too loud and too confrontational, as if Rey was the only one not in on the joke. Surely, this had to be a joke. Han and Leia’s son was a priest? She knew Luke was off the deep end, devoutly devoted and all that but.. Ben? Ben with the muscles and pretty hair? It seemed like such a waste.

The look on his face was unreadable. “Sorry, did I disappoint you?” Was he flirting with her? No, no that couldn’t be it. Mocking her? No, that didn’t seem right either.

All Rey could do was shake her head. 

“Don’t worry about offending Ben here, Rey.” Poe was piping up now, grinning at his childhood friend as he took another bite of his pasta. “You can only piss him off by making fun of his ears.”

“Fuck off.” Apparently he was a cool, swear-y priest, Rey thought as she watched the two men begin to punch one another in the arms in that juvenile male way of theirs.

Rey needed more tequila and air.

* * *

“You have a cigarette?”

Her back was pressed against the brick wall of the restaurant and her head was tilted up towards the sky. If she squinted really hard, Rey was positive she could make out stars despite all the bright city lights and thick layer of smog.

Lolling her head to the side, she watched as Ben, (or was it Father? Father Solo? It all sounded oddly kinky) walk down the concrete steps to where she stood. “No, I don’t smoke.” Just the smell of cigarettes transported her back to the numerous foster homes she had bounced between. The worst had been Plutt. He smoked in the house, and no matter how many times Rey did laundry or washed out her hair, she felt as if the smell haunted her wherever she went.

“He sounds like an ass.”

Had she said all of that out loud? She must have. Shrugging her shoulders, Rey pushed herself off the wall, tilting her chin up to look Ben in the eye. “He left me alone for the most part. I just had to pull my weight.” Which included illegal shifts at his diner, not to mention she barely got to keep any of her tips. Still, he did leave her alone. As long as she got her work done, Rey could stay out until two am on a school night and the man wouldn’t bat an eye.

Apparently, Rey had spoken out loud again. There was a moment of silence, a lull where they both seemed uncertain about what to do or what to say. Ben was the first to part his lips, but Rey was the first to speak.

“I’m not looking for God.”

In his defense, he didn’t look taken aback. No, he just smiled at her, giving a small nod of his head. “I’m not here to convert you, Rey.”

Bullshit.

Even that word was not kept to herself.

He laughed. He actually laughed. The corners of his eyes crinkled, as a smirk that was so reminiscent of his father, that for a moment Rey thought she was talking to Han, played across his lips.

“Seriously. We’re living in the twenty-first century. Essentially everyone has access to Google. It’s not that hard to find a church, if you’re looking to be converted.” He leaned his shoulder against the brick wall now, his ankles folded one over the other. His entire vibe was ‘relaxed’, from his posture to the way that he spoke.

He was nothing like the moody teenager from Poe’s stories or the troublesome kid who was always vying for his parents’ attention.

Then again, Rey wasn’t the same person she had been five years ago, let alone a lifetime ago. 

“What I will say,” He started again, causing Rey to roll her eyes. Here it came, the stipulation. At least Rey managed to keep that thought to herself.

“If you need anyone to talk to, you should come by the church sometime.” 

Her brow furrowed, her lips set together in slight confusion. “I thought you lived far away, that’s why you’re never around.”

She watched his cheeks tinge pink, as he raised a hand to scratch at the base of his neck. “No, I’m only about twenty minutes away. St. Peter’s in Winchester? I’m just really shit about calling and visiting.”

It was her turn to judge now, as Rey crossed her arms over her chest. “Hopefully you’re a better priest than you are son,” She muttered under her breath.

Ben exhaled beside her, his gaze dropped to the city street beneath their feet. “Yeah, I hope so too.”

* * *

Rey wasn’t going to do it. She had absolutely no desire to sit through a Sunday church service let alone a _ Catholic _one. 

It all started when she looked up St. Peter’s. Which resulted in a lot of, well, results. Narrowing it down to the one in Winchester, Rey realized that it really wasn’t all that far from where she lived.

Suddenly, she was pulling on a black jumpsuit (the most conservative item in her wardrobe) and catching a bus out to Winchester. 

Half an hour later, Rey was slipping into the last pew in the historic looking church, as a familiar man stood in the pulpit, preaching about love and acceptance and quoting the Bible left and right.

It wasn’t the words he was saying, but more the way he was speaking that drew Rey in. Her eyes remained transfixed on the way his mouth moved, the way his large hands gestured, providing emphasis on certain words or phrases.

Rey was entirely captured by him, thoroughly bewitched with her whole body and soul.

She shifted, the pew creaking beneath the new distribution of weight. This was not happening. She was not getting wet, seated beside faithful Catholics who were just here to hear the good word of their lord.

By the time the sermon was almost over, Rey’s panties were drenched. Her thighs shook from keeping them clenched so tightly together.

Maybe she should have worn a dress. Maybe the airflow would be better. Not to mention the way he could run those large hands up her thighs, those thick digits slipping under the hem of her dress…

_ Help me, Father, for I have sinned. _

“The service is over, deary.”

An elderly woman patted her on the shoulder and Rey practically jumped out of her skin. The service was… over?

Looking around, sure enough everyone was filing out of the church, shaking hands with Father Ben on their way out.

Rey had spent most of the service imagining different ways Ben could use his mouth. Mostly how he could put good use to it between her legs.

Fuck, she really was going to Hell.

Offering the older woman a tight smile, Rey stood and went to join the line of faithful parishioners. She dawdled, allowing others ahead of her as she smoothed back her hair and willed the flush from her cheeks.

What was she going to say? That she was in the neighborhood? That she fancied herself some Jesus on this Sunday morning? That it has always been a fantasy of hers to sexually fantasize about a priest during a Sunday service?

“Rey.” He greeted her with a handshake, his eyebrows raised in slight surprise. “Welcome.”

“Hi.” She accepted the handshake, doing her best to ignore the jolt she felt in her very core from the simple touch.

She needed a cold shower and a vibrator. What was her problem? She needed to get ahold of herself.

“You going to be around for a bit?” Ben was asking her, their handshake still going. It seemed he was as willing to let go as she was. Or maybe he was just being polite. Was that her palm sweating or his?

“What?” Rey blinked, looking up. 

“Do you have anywhere to be or do you have some time?” He was being so patient with her, repeating and rephrasing his questions while Rey was feeling as if she was having a stroke.

“Yes, I mean no.” She quickly stammered, feeling her face growing warmer by the second. “I don’t have anywhere to go. I have some time.”

He was smiling at her again, that same smile from the restaurant where the corners of his eyes crinkled. “Good. Let me finish some uh, things up here. I’ll meet you in my office. Second door on the right.” He jerked his head behind him, towards the church.

Then he was giving her squeeze, before the handshake finally broke. Turning, Ben moved to talk to a few more people loitering around.

Rey’s hand had never felt so empty.

***

“No you didn’t.”

“I did! I swear. Ask Poe he was there.”

They were halfway through a bottle of whiskey, getting wasted in a pastor’s study on a Sunday afternoon.

This was the weirdest thing that had ever happened to Rey.

Especially given the fact that she was getting drunk with the priest himself.

Yet it felt… natural, right. They bantered, going back and forth debating religion and philosophy. Then they moved onto their childhoods, Rey sharing her experiences in the British foster system while Ben explained how lonely he felt growing up in a big house with two workaholic parents.

They had both felt so alone.

Now, it was onto tales of teenage shenanigans. Apparently, there was a colorful tale involving Poe, a cow and a high speed chase.

“I thought my mom was going to kill me.” Ben leaned back in his desk chair, folding his hands behind his head. Rey couldn’t help the smile that spread across her lips as she took another sip of whiskey.

“I don’t get it,” She began to say after a moment. “Maybe it’s my atheism clouding my judgement but you just- you don’t seem like the priest type.”

A glimmer of amusement was in his eyes as he surveyed Rey.

“What’s a ‘priest type?” He was teasing her. She could tell by the way he was handling his glass, swirling the amber liquid around, his gaze not wavering from hers.

She sucked on the inside of her cheek, rolling her eyes. “You know.”

He stayed silent. Fuck he was going to make her say it.

“You’re not some judgemental old white guy that is a little too eager to step in to take the alter boys camping.”

There was a beat, a pause and then...

Ben laughed. It wasn’t a deep belly laugh that shook his entire body. No, it was a quiet chuckle, one that caused his shoulders to shake. It was genuine, real, without being ostentatious and over the top.

It made Rey feel warm and fuzzy, as if she was particularly pleased with herself.

“You _ know _ the type,” Rey added, moving to reach across the desk and shove his shoulder. “You just wanted to hear me say it. Asshole.” She was still grinning as she raised the glass to her lips.

“I do,” Ben agreed with a nod of his head. “I’ve met many during my career. But I’ve met good men too. Men who just want to do good in the world.”

“Like your uncle?” It was a genuine question, a curiosity that Rey had about the elusive Skywalker. “Leia and Han don’t talk about him much. Other than stories about the good ol’ days.”

At that Ben fell silent, his features turning neutral. He took a long drink, moving to sit up straight. “My relationship with Luke is… complicated.” He said the word slowly, as if he was treading on thin ice. “Luke and I never really saw eye to eye, especially in regards to religion.”

“But you’re both priests-“

“I’m a priest. Luke’s… Luke sort of veered off on his own, formed his own path.”

He left things there and even with a belly full of whiskey, Rey was not going to push or pry. She understood the point of having secrets; of holding things close to your chest. Sometimes things were better untouched and left alone.

There was still a question gnawing at the back of Rey’s mind.

“Why did you become a priest?” She asked out of curiosity more than anything else. “I get you probably had a ‘calling’ or whatever you want to call it. But why a priest? Why not just a pastor?”

His eyes flickered around the room, as Ben gave a shrug of his shoulders. “I figured if I was going to do this, then I needed to do it right. I needed to devote myself entirely.”

“But you drink, you swear.”

“I never took vows of sobriety or against cursing.”

“What about celibacy?” Rey shifted in her seat, drawing one leg up to her chest in order to rest her chin on her knee. She held his gaze as she spoke, not even daring to blink. She took another swig of whiskey. “You gave up sex.”

“I gave up sex.” He echoed, nodding his head. “What’s your question?” His tone wasn’t rude, persay but there was an edge to it, as if he was urging Rey to cut to the chase.

“I just-” Rey bit her bottom lip, chewing on the soft flesh, trying to sort what she wanted to say through her muddled mind. “What happens if you meet someone that you like? What then?”

She heard him exhale. She watched as he leaned forward, reaching for the bottle that sat between them on the desk. “If I meet someone I like,” She watched as he clanked the neck of the bottle against the rim of the glass. His sleeves were pushed up to his elbows, and Rey drank in the sight of his bare forearms, drank in the sight of the way his muscles contracted and then relaxed.

“If I meet someone I like,” Ben began again after he took a sip. He was leaning forward now, his elbows resting on the edge of his desk, the glass still in hand. “Then I talk to them. I get to know them. I invite them to church.” A smirk toyed across his lips, his eyes briefly meeting Rey’s before he stood. “I give them free bibles.”

“You invited me,” She was venturing into dangerous territory. The whiskey was kicking in. Yes, blame the booze. That was the easiest thing to do.

Ben was pacing now, slowly walking back and forth, his head bent and his gaze fixated on his feet as he moved. The office was small but kept neat. Everything was organized, everything was in its rightful place.

Everything, it seemed but the man who the office belonged to.

Except he would say that the office didn’t belong to him. No, he would say that the office belonged to God.

Ironic.

“I invited you.”

It wasn’t the three words most women wanted to hear. It wasn’t particularly romantic. It wasn’t a grand gesture.

Right now, right now it was enough.

Slowly, she stood. Her legs felt wobbly; felt uncertain of her weight much like a newborn foal. Rey gripped the glass of whiskey tighter, letting that to be her support, her tether.

She could feel his gaze, feel the way it burned into her. He wasn’t just looking at her, no. He was seeing her.

It had been a long time since Rey had felt seen or heard. It had been a long time since Rey felt as if she mattered.

The air in the room was thick, stiff, as if it needed to be cut with a knife. Rey wasn’t even certain that she was breathing as she put one foot in front of the other, closing the distance between them.

“Rey-”

  


Her name was a warning. It was a chance for her to stop what she was doing. So far, the evening had been innocent. The line hadn’t been crossed. Tiptoed, yes, but not crossed. They were still safe. They could finish their drinks, put away the bottle and call this a night.

They could just be friends. A weird combination, a priest and a mechanic, but friends nonetheless.

Rey didn’t want to just be his friend.

It was weird, the feeling she had towards Ben. She had interacted with her fair share of attractive guys before. She had hooked up with Chris Evans-level hotties, and yet it was the priest with the brooding features that she was a goner for.

The one man she couldn’t have.

What was that saying? The grass was always greener on the other side. You always wanted what you couldn’t have. All of the above seemed to be applicable to this situation. Rey still didn’t care.

She stood before him, toe to toe, their faces just inches apart. She was still holding her glass, though it had barely enough for one swig left in it. Her eyes moved over him, taking in every inch of his body underneath his black dress pants and shirt. Slowly, she lifted her chin, her eyes meeting his.

Sparks. Rey felt electricity sizzling between them. They weren’t even touching, had a whisper of space between them. All she would need to do was lean forward. All Rey needed to do was shift her face towards his and-

A portrait of Jesus fell down from the wall with a giant, echoing thud. Simultaneously, they both turned to look from the fallen picture and back to one another.

Ben looked up towards the ceiling, shaking his head, a humourless smile gracing his lips as he exhaled shakily.

He took a step back.

It was only a step, barely a foot backwards and yet it felt like the world had opened up, driving a chasm between them, with Rey on one side and Ben on the other. All because of a badly hung picture and the worst timing imaginable.

“I invited you,” He was talking again, but Rey could barely hear him over the loud buzzing in her ears. Her chest was rising and falling rapidly. What had just happened? What had she almost done?

“I invited you,” He was clearing his throat and carrying on. “Because I like you and I wanted to get to know you better.”

“Right, right.” She was nodding her head viciously, taking a step back. It was too early in the day for this shit. Too early for drinking whiskey in an empty church with a hot priest who was entirely off bounds. “I know. I-” Turning her head to the side, she worried her jaw while glancing around the room. Except everywhere she looked she saw nothing but crosses and the eyes of God staring right back.

Downing the last contents of her glass, she set it down with a heavy thud onto his desk. “I like talking with you too.” As much as she wanted to storm out of here, as badly as she wanted to turn on her heel, flee and never see Ben again, Rey knew that wasn’t going to happen. 

Maybe in a perfect world.

Except, in a perfect world, Ben wouldn’t be a priest.

“I need to go.” She spoke firmly but calm, offering Ben a strained smile. For a moment she thought he was going to argue with her, that he was going to protest and insist she stay.

Instead he nodded. “I understand. I’ll- you should come back sometime.”

She said nothing, offered nothing more than a nod of her head before she turned to head outside. She wouldn’t need to see him again, wouldn’t come back to this church to sit in the pews and fantasize about the man in the pulpit. Rey could keep her space. She really could.

She had to.

* * *

They began to hang out.

It began randomly, bumping into one another outside of the grocery store. He was on his way back from visiting with his parents, while Rey was doing her usual weekly run.

They began to talk, she made him laugh. Phone numbers were exchanged before they parted ways and, by the time Rey got home, she already had three unread texts from him.

So they began to text back and forth, usually late at night when Rey was tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep. Sometimes, she wondered if he was in bed too. She wondered if he slept in pajamas or just his underwear. Or maybe he slept completely nude.

She let her mind wander, allowed her mind to paint the picture of Ben Solo sprawled out, the sheets twisted around his muscular calves as he laid in bed at night, naked as the day he had been born.

It made her body flush with heat, made her thighs pressed tightly together and her panties grew wet.

It was the only indulgence Rey allowed. 

Because she was not going to fancy a priest, let alone the son of her boss and his wife.

But she could be friends with one.

So, the hangouts ensued. Sometimes, they just spoke on the phone, other times they grabbed lunch. There was one peculiar moment at a Quaker meeting, but Rey couldn’t begin to describe that even if she tried.

Slowly, Rey and Ben became close friends.

She found herself confiding in him, telling him about her past and how she still felt a void left behind by her birth parents.

“Maybe you should find them,” Came his sleepy, gravely voice over the phone.

Rey nodded, worrying her lip as she twisted a stray thread from her duvet around her forefinger. Realizing he couldn’t see her, she spoke. “Yeah, yeah I could.”

Except what if they didn’t want her? What if they still didn’t want their daughter all these years later? What if they had simply never wanted her, and had left her behind on purpose?

“I remember someone telling me that they would be back.” A lump was forming in her throat, and she kept swallowing, willing it down. Rey wasn’t going to do this, she wasn’t going to spend her Friday night crying over the phone to Ben.

“They left me on a bench in the park, or at least someone did. And they said I had to stay put and they would come back for me. I waited and no one did.” What she didn’t tell him was how hours had turned into one day and then two. Finally someone had alerted the police to the five year old girl curled up in a ball on the bench. It took two police officers to pull her away, her fingers had blistered from clutching to the iron armrest so hard.

And he listened. He let her speak without interruption, he allowed Rey to share everything that was bottled up inside. Years of emotions and thoughts suppressed, pushed down because she thought that was the necessary course of action.

Now, with Ben, Rey thought maybe there was a different path to take. With Ben, she didn’t have to show him only the best bits that were all shiny and new. She could show him the broken parts too.

* * *

This was not a good idea. This was a terrible idea.

Work had sucked. Han had been off, Chewy was gone for the day when a ginger asshole showed up. The man had the nerve to flirt with Rey, as well as insult her inability to fix his car all because of the vagina between her legs, all within one breath.

Of course, he refused to just leave too, meaning by the time Rey fixed his pretentious Volvo (all he needed was some, y’know, oil in his car for it to function properly) it was late and she had a headache and Finn wasn’t returning her texts or calls.

She tried Rose, but she was having dinner with her sister. An invitation had been extended to Rey, but the idea of third wheeling when all she wanted to do was rant and rave about her bad day seemed selfish and wrong.

Visiting Ben was selfish and wrong too, but for different ways.

Besides, he was a priest. Wasn’t this his job? To listen to people and offer advice?

By the time she got the courage to show up at his doorstep, she drank two beers that belonged to the six pack she had picked up at the store. Who was keeping count? Not Rey.

He lived in a little hut besides the church. The building, much like its neighbors was made of stone and probably older than America. It was… quaint. Actually it was almost humorous the idea of someone as large as Ben living in such a small space. He probably couldn’t even get through the doorways without turning to the side.

By the time he opened the door, Rey was in a fit of giggles.

“Rey?” It was late, well into the night and the sun had long ago set. To be honest, Rey hadn’t even thought of the time. She needed to talk, to see someone. She couldn’t go back to her apartment, couldn’t be alone.

Ben was wearing sweatpants low on his hips, and a thin white tee shirt that was practically translucent.

This was a bad, bad idea.

“Can I come in?” She blurted out the words, shoving the six pack (technically four pack) into his arms. Not waiting for an answer, Rey pushed past him, letting herself into the house.

Ben wouldn’t need to worry about doorways, because the hut was entirely one room. A small kitchenette was in the corner, and a worn sofa took up most of the living space. There was a table and chairs shoved into one corner, and bookshelves lined one wall. There was only one other door, which Rey assumed led to the bathroom. And there was one staircase, leading up to a loft and from what Rey could see, his bedroom.

“I was running an errand in the area and I figured I should stop by.”

Already she was shrugging off her coat, draping it onto the back of the couch. She took off her trainers too, kicking them out of the way. 

Ben shut the door behind him with a soft thud, and he continued to watch Rey. She didn’t even need to look at him to know that. She could feel his gaze. It made her fidget and squirm.

“You were running an errand.” Why did he always do that? Why did he always just repeat what she was saying? Was he not capable of forming his own thoughts, his own sentences?

“Yes.”

“You were running an errand in my area at ten o’clock on a Friday night?

“Yep.” She turned on her heel and made a beeline for the fridge. “Do you have anything to drink?”

“I have a four pack of cheap beer.” His tone was sarcastic, teasing.

Rey looked over her shoulder and stuck her tongue out at him. “I already drank that. I want something… different.” Stronger. She wanted something stronger. Already she was rummaging through his fridge. It was shockingly well stocked, but then again maybe Rey was always surprised to see fridges that had more than just condiments and old milk. 

There were various fruits and vegetables, almond milk and different containers of leftovers, all labeled with dates and names. But no booze.

So she moved onto the cabinets; began to open the doors and rifle through the various shelves, all while ignoring as Ben kept repeating her name. He had to have at least one bottle. If he kept whiskey in his office, then he had to have _ something _ in his house. You couldn’t tell Rey that the only place Ben had a drink was in his church.

She stood on her tiptoes, her arm outreached for the highest shelf in the cabinet next to the fridge. The tips of her fingers brushed against glass. 

“Aha!” Her voice was triumphant. This had to be a bottle of booze. She kept reaching, kept stretching to try and grab a hold of the smooth glass. Her tee shirt rode up, a slice of her midriff exposed to the cool air, but Rey didn’t care. “Almost have it.”

“Here-” Suddenly Ben was beside her, his body leaning into hers as he too reached. Rey was tall but Ben still had a good six inches on her. Nonetheless, it still took him a moment to get a firm hold of the bottle, so Rey revelled in the feeling of the way his warm body pressed against her, the way she could feel the defined muscles that laid beneath his tee shirt and sweatpants.

“Here.” Suddenly the warmness was gone, and instead Ben was holding out a bottle of a clear liquid.

“Tequila!” It wouldn’t have been Rey’s top pick but hey, beggars can't be choosers, right?

“We should do shots,” She announced, setting the bottle of tequila down on the kitchen table. 

“Or how about you tell me why you’re here.” Ben countered, giving her a pointed look.

Her fingers were swiftly unscrewing the cap. “How about I make you a deal? A question for a shot?”

Ben pursed his lips, clearly thinking over the offer. She was already steeling herself, preparing for his rejection and his suggestion for her to just go home.

And then…

“Fine.”

The surprise was clearly written across her face. Rey doubted she could hide it even if she tried. 

She didn’t bother waiting for his question. She already knew what he was going to ask.

“I’m here,” The words came out slowly, between sips from the bottle. “I’m here because I had a shit day at work. I’m here because my best friend wasn’t returning my calls and my other best friend already had plans.” A bitter laugh slipped from her lips, and she quickly drowned it with another drink of tequila. “I know it’s juvenile. This is the kind of shit you’re supposed to feel in high school. But I just- I feel-” 

Her voice began to quiver, and she shook her head. Ben was staring at her, was looking at her and suddenly Rey was finding it hard to bare her soul. 

“Forget it,” She said with a wave of her hand as she sunk down into a chair at the kitchen table. “It’s stupid and petty. Just- just forget it.”

Ben was silent for a moment. Rey thought he was going to just agree that he would drop the topic and that would be that.

“Come with me.” 

She looked up to see his hand outstretched towards her.

Rey’s eyes darted between his hand and his face. 

“Come with me,” he repeated, his tone gentle and kind. “Don’t you trust me?”

She did, so she did; she took his hand, slid her palm against his own as her fingers filled the spaces between his. A perfect fit.

Rey grabbed the bottle of tequila with her free hand, as Ben began to lead them, shoeless and all, out the front door.

They headed to the church.

* * *

“Ben, no- I feel stupid.”

“It works Rey. There’s more than one reason that confession is done behind closed doors.” His hands were on her shoulders, his grip gentle as he guided her into the confessional. “Just sit.”

She sat, setting the tequila bottle on the little wooden shelf.

“Now stay there and when you’re ready,” He paused. “When you’re ready, just start to talk.”

The curtain was drawn and Rey heard the muffled sounds of footsteps and a wooden door opening beside her. It was followed by the noise of creaking as Ben took his place. She couldn’t see him through the thick screen, could barely make out the shadows of a broad shouldered person on the other side.

“How does this go? Help me, Father, for I have sinned?”

She heard him snort out a breathy laugh. What a good sound it was, what a good feeling it flooded Rey with, to make him laugh.

“Go ahead,” came his soft reply.

“Let’s see,” Rey twirled with neck of the tequila bottle. “It’s been about… twenty two years since my last confession. There’s been lots of swearing, including endless blasphemy. What else,” She drank again. “Oh! There’s been some things stolen, though that happened more when I was a kid. Though I did realize I didn’t pay for a pack of bobby pins after I had already left the store, and I didn’t bother to go back in to pay for them.”

She heard him laugh again; heard that same airy tone. ”And?”

With a bit more liquid luck, she carried on. “And there’s been some violence.” Her gaze dropped to the floor, and Rey took a long swig from the bottle, wincing at the way the alcohol burned at the back of her throat. “Sex. Outside of marriage, obviously. Though not a lot recently. So, of course there’s been a lot of masturbation.” She felt her cheeks flush as she shifted in her seat. 

“And?” He prompted again, his voice still teasing, still light hearted and sweet. When she didn’t reply he added, “It’s alright, go on.”

“And- and-” Rey felt a lump forming in her throat, a lump she attempted to wash away with tequila. The attempt was futile. “And I- I-” She trailed off into silence.

“It’s okay, go on.”

“I’m frightened.”

There was a brief pause, barely a blink, a beat. “Of what?”

Of you, she wanted to say. Of feeling like this. Of finally finding someone to open up to, to share with and be with only for it to not be allowed.

“People.” She paused, taking another drink. “Of people leaving.”

His silence followed. It was welcoming, a platform for Rey to continue on.

“They always leave. It’s stupid. I know that the point of life is to grow and change, but I just- I wish- I- I don’t-” A frustrated sigh slipped from her lips, as she hung her head down, her gaze fixated on the bottle in her lap.

“It’s okay to not know what you want. Most people don’t.”

“No,” She cut him off, her voice finally sounding solid and firm. “No, I know exactly what I want.”

The sound of Ben shifting in his seat filled the beat of quiet. “What do you want?”

“I want- I want-” You.

The bottle met her lips and she shot back another drink. 

“I want someone to cook me breakfast every morning. I want- I want someone to be there to watch the news at night, who I can argue with over different politics, even though both sides suck. I want someone to yell at me for leaving my dirty work clothes hanging around or leaving a towel on the bathroom floor.”

“That sounds nice, Rey.”

A harsh laugh escaped from her throat, and Rey gave a silent shake of her head, despite the fact that nobody could see her. “That’s not the bad part.”

“What is?”

“I mostly just want someone to tell me what to do. I want someone to tell me how to act, how to think. Because I’ve been doing it so long, Ben. I’ve been responsible for myself since I was five. I never had a parent to tell me when to go to bed or to eat my vegetables. I never had someone who loved me and told me I couldn’t do something because they cared.”

The tears were falling now, fast and furious they trailed down her cheeks, and she let out a shuddering breath before Rey carried on.

“I know that’s why people look to you, look to God. Because it comes with a list of rules, of things you can and can’t do. It gives people a chance to be mindless and to feel like the burden isn’t solely on them. And I know that none of this is real. I know there’s no scientific proof and yet, I get it. I get the appeal.” She exhaled shakily, trying to hold in the sob that was threatening to escape from her throat. “So, just-” Rey leaned back, setting the bottle of tequila back down on the wooden armrest before her hands came up to her face. Furiously she began to wipe away the tears, willing the pain and the hurt and the vulnerability she felt away.

“So, just tell me what to do, Ben. Just- just please, tell me what to do.”

Silence filled the church. Thee air in the confessional felt thick. Rey felt nothing but her insecurities swirling around her. It wasn’t like the quiet before, the one where Ben was giving Rey the opportunity to share.

This one felt more weighted. Heavy with her confession, with what it could mean and all the things still left unsaid.

Then, “Kneel.”

She let out a bark of laughter, still wiping away the tears. “What?”

“Just… just kneel.”

How much more ridiculous could she feel? Slowly, Rey slid off the front of her seat, coming to rest on her knees.

Rey tilted her head down, toying with a thread at the hem of her tee shirt. How was this to help? She felt nothing more than entirely defeated.

The sound of the curtain being pulled back sent a chill down her spine. 

And then, Ben was dropping to his knees too. He was kneeling before her. Equals. They were equals.

His hand came to cup her cheek, and instantly Rey leaned into the touch. His thumb moved back and forth, before trailing down to trace the line of her jaw. The pad of his thumb found her lip, and he toyed with the soft flesh, gently pushing down.

It was simultaneous, the way he leaned down and she leaned up. It felt more like the world was moving around them, that the earth was shifting beneath their feet, urging them forward while Ben and Rey stayed perfectly still.

His lips met hers, or maybe her lips met his. The details weren’t important. No, what stood out was that Rey finally felt whole. She felt complete by the single touch.

She felt thirsty and she wanted so much more.

Rey was on her feet, pulling Ben with her. His arms were looped up around her back, drawing her in. Feverishly they kissed, teeth scraping soft flesh and tongues clashing in a battle of dominance. This was their moment. This was their time. Rey didn’t want to waste a single moment.

He pushed her up against the wooden wall of the confessional. His hands were on her waist, fingers dipping underneath the hem of her tee shirt. Instantly she moaned at the feeling of his skin on hers.

It still was not enough.

More, more, more.

Her hands went to the waistband of his sweatpants, cupping the front and feeling how hard he was. For her. This was all for her.

Needily she began to tug at his hem, pulling and yanking to get them down over his hips. Ben’s hands were cupping her breasts before he was shoving her bra up, and out of the way. Her entire body felt as if it was on fire. Her skin felt flushed, too warm and yet she wanted nothing more than to burn into a pile of ash from his touch.

There was a loud bang.

They jumped apart. Instantly, Rey took a step forward, seeking out his warmth and his touch.

Ben looked towards the back of the church where a large portrait had fallen.

He glanced back at Rey, who could only let out a breathy, nervous laugh.

Except Ben wasn’t laughing back. Ben wasn’t seeing the humor, the irony. All he saw was a sign from God.

“Ben-” Rey stepped towards him again, wincing as he simultaneously took a step back. 

Slowly, he began to shake his head, an unrecognizable expression on his face. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Why was he just walking away? She had to talk, he made her talk… so why wasn’t he?

“Ben-” 

It was too late. He was turning slowly on his heel as he made his way back down the aisle of the church.

Rey bit her lip, felt a knot forming in her stomach.

She felt dirty, felt unworthy and full of shame.

She felt anger too. Angry that he just- he walked away. He left her, even after all she had said, all she had opened up to him about.

Mostly Rey felt sad, as tears began to build in the corners of her eyes. She had ruined it, she had crossed the line.

Her legs shook. Rey wanted nothing more than to just let herself fall, to become a crying mess on the floor. But the idea of getting on her knees again hurt even more.

* * *

Finn knew something was wrong. Han suspected something was up too.

Rey didn’t speak a word.

She got up, ate breakfast, brushed her teeth and went to work. She did her job. Then she came home, crawled into bed and just cried.

Rey had gone through break ups before. What even was this? Because they had never been together. They weren’t anything that could be easily defined. How could something break that didn’t exist in the first place?

Instead, she mourned what could have been. Maybe if she had met Ben before, maybe if they had crossed paths earlier in life he never would have taken his vows, never would have become a priest.

Maybe Rey could have been the thing he was looking for. Maybe Rey could have filled that empty hole in his life.

How did you compete against God? How did you compare to a person’s faith?

You didn’t. You couldn’t. Not without being selfish, not without it being wrong.

She had to let him go. She _ needed _ to let him go, even if it tore every piece of her heart apart. Even though Rey felt like everything _ hurt _and the pain would never go away.

Eventually though… eventually life moved on.

* * *


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was nothing from Ben. Just radio silence from his end.
> 
> Rey didn’t know what else she expected. 
> 
> It all just felt so abrupt. So sudden.
> 
> She had gone from talking to him every day, of Ben being that one person she truly confided in, who she told every secret.
> 
> She had trusted him, had cared for him.
> 
> The worst part was that she still did. Rey had a feeling she always would.
> 
> * * *
> 
> ben and rey cross paths again. things are going good until they're not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo you will notice that i've upped the chapter count. the more i wrote, the more it was clear the end wasn't quite in sight yet. i just am not ready to say goodbye to these two! i'm thinking i'll just need one more chapter to finish things up but then again who knows? 
> 
> i can't tell you how much i appreciate all the feedback/comments i got back on the first chapter. ♥️ you all had such beautiful things to say, and i'm very grateful. hope you enjoy chapter two just as much as you enjoyed chapter one!
> 
> thanks to [bronwyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/here4thereylo/pseuds/here4thereylo) for beta-ing this chapter for me! sorry for all the pain and suffering, and thanks for accidentally coming up with more tags. ;) you're the best! ♥️

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/182242012@N03/48694042606/in/dateposted-public/)

She was seated at the bus stop, idly flipping through her phone though there was never anything worth reading or seeing.

It was just unread text after unread text.

Most of them were from Finn, constantly checking in on her and offering to take her out sometime, or maybe he should come over for dinner, or he could cancel plans with Poe in order to spend time with Rey.

Some were from Han, though they were just one worded variations of ‘hello’ and ‘what’s up?’

Chewy sent her a few funny gifs, one of which actually made her laugh for the first time in what felt like ages. 

The messages from Leia were the hardest to read and even harder to ignore. She was certain that Ben hadn’t said a word about what happened. Yet Leia kept giving her word after word of advice, offering comfort and a listening ear.

There was nothing from Ben. Just radio silence from his end.

Rey didn’t know what else she expected. 

It all just felt so abrupt. So sudden.

She had gone from talking to him every day, of Ben being that one person she truly confided in, who she told every secret.

She had trusted him, had cared for him.

The worst part was that she still did. Rey had a feeling she always would.

Exiting out of her messaging app, Rey exhaled heavily, her breath lifting a strand of hair up and away from her face.

“Hi.”

The sound of his voice immediately yanked her from the endless swirl of thoughts and running through her head.

She blinked, staring up at him like he was a mirage in the middle of the desert. What was he doing here? At her bus stop? Was he here to seek her out? That had to be it. He had come to clear the air, had come to discuss what had happened and…

“I have a sick partitioner in this neighborhood. He’s at the hospital around the corner so I just came from there, paying him a visit.”

Ben spoke so smoothly, so calm.

So he wasn’t here to make amends and repair damaged bridges. No, it was just the universe screwing with Rey once again.

“Oh,” Quickly she realized she needed to add more to the conversation than just a noise of surprise. “Right, um.” She needed to say something, say anything. 

Her mind was coming up entirely blank.

In fact she was so caught up in trying to think of something to say, that she missed the entire fact that Ben was speaking.

“Rey?” He had a curious expression on his face, one that could almost be described as ‘fond’ except fond meant feelings and caring and hurt too much. She quickly became lost in the way his eyes crinkled and the way his plush lips spread into an easy smile.

Brooding and frowns suited his face so well, that Rey sometimes forgot how good it looked when he actually smiled.

“I’m sorry,” She felt her face grow warm as she gave a small shake of her head. “What was that?”

“I said,” there was a trace of laughter in his voice. “Are you doing anything right now? Because I could use your help on an errand.” He was amused by her. The fact that Rey had been turned into a deaf, socially inept mess amused him.

It sort of made Rey want to smack him upside the head, to wash that beautiful smirk right off his face.

That or kiss him.

“No,” She moved to stand, adjusting the strap of her tote bag on her shoulder. “No, I don’t really have any plans.”

This was not good. This was dangerous territory. Once more they were tip toeing the line, a line that had already been crossed once, making it easier to cross again.

But yet here she was, willing to drop everything, willing to risk her heart just to be around him again.

Because he made her feel so good, made her feel seen and heard and understood.

The detrimental risk suddenly seemed entirely worth just spending an afternoon with Ben, even if it meant staying locked away in bed for the rest of the week.

She was swapping hours of therapy sessions and mourning what couldn’t be for mere moments of imaginary bliss.

Then again, Rey was always very good at playing pretend.

***

“Ring shopping?!” Rey hissed the words as if they were poison on her tongue. “Why are we ring shopping for Leia? Surely this should be something between you and Han.”

“My father has his strong suits, and shopping for gifts for my mother is not one of them.” Ben answered with a shrug. “He’s better at doing things for her, than picking out the right gift. I told him I could help.”

The last thing Rey had expected was to spend her day with Ben Solo. Let alone spending that day shopping for wedding rings.

“Leia has a beautiful ring,” Rey added, thinking of the ring she always wore, the one with the twisted gold holding two sapphire orbs.

“She does,” Ben agreed, nodding his head but his eyes still fixated on the display case before them. “That was her mother’s. When my parents got married it was in such a rush that they never exchanged rings. Han figured now was better late than never to finally get her a wedding ring.”

Rey opened her mouth to point out yet again that Han should be here, not her when they were interrupted by the sales clerk.

“What can I help you with today?” 

“Hi,” Ben greeted with an easy smile. He stood right beside Rey, his arm lightly brushing against her own.

It made her feel too hot, too warm, too much. The tiniest of touches, the slightest of contacts and she was veering over the edge, becoming a mess.

She should have just gone grocery shopping today.

“We’re looking for some sort of wedding ring.” Ben began to speak. Rey’s eyes became drawn to the way his hands moved, the way he gestured as he spoke. She became fixated on the length of his digits, began to remember how her skin felt under his touch.

“So you two are getting married? That’s exciting. Mazel tov.”

Reality came crashing down like a bucket of ice water.

“What?” Rey looked up, lips parted and eyes wide. “No-“ she began to speak right as Ben was also saying. “No, this is for my mother.”

She noticed the way the tips of his ears turned pink. “My parents are renewing their vows. We’re helping my father out.”

The sales person seemed unphased, merely nodding along. “Right, of course. Don’t worry, I bet your special day is just upon the horizon.” He flashed Rey a cheeky grin and wink.

Rey could do nothing more than offer up a weak smile in response. She wanted to sink into the ground, to just disappear, melt into non existence. 

The sales clerk began to chat again, asking Ben about Leia’s jewelry preferences and what the price range was.

Rey began to zone out.

She had never been the type to plan out her future. How could she, when her chief concern was where her next meal would be coming from? Rey was lucky if she had a five month plan opposed to one that spanned over the next five years.

She always took things as they came, and so far it had worked out for the best. Rey had a good job, a good boss, great friends and a satisfying life. Money was no longer tight. She didn’t have to budget to replace her sneakers or live off of ramen and ketchup sandwiches, hoping she didn’t run out of groceries until the next payday. Comfortable, that was a good way to describe her situation now. Rey was comfortable and it was… nice.

But everyone else always seemed to be moving three steps ahead, while Rey was stuck in the back.

Finn and Poe had been dating for a couple years. They had moved in together, had taken that next step.

Meanwhile Rey couldn’t even remember the last time she had dated someone consistently, let alone had something that resembled a long term relationship.

It wasn’t even that Rey measured her happiness and success around romance. Never had she been the type who thought marriage and kids were in the future. After all, it was hard to imagine other people in your life when you were just trying to take care of yourself.

Besides, Finn was her family. And Poe and Rose, Leia and Chewy and Han.

But what happened when they got families of their own? Finn always wanted kids, something that she was certain she heard her best friend and his boyfriend casually discuss here and there.

It wasn’t as if Rey was worried about becoming less of a priority. It was more that she… well she didn’t want to be left behind. She didn’t want to become lost in the dust with all the adjustments and change.

Because change was inevitable. It was happening whether it meant the conventional marriage and kids or something more off kilter.

***

They finished ring shopping two hours later.

Ben proved to be an entirely indecisive person.

“Why don’t you narrow it down and come back with Han?” Rey suggested time and time again. To be honest though, the idea of Ben and Han trying to pick out jewelry seemed like a disaster waiting to happen. 

In the end, Rey had been the deciding force. It seemed slightly inappropriate and maybe a little unorthodox but well, Ben wasn’t about to make a decision and Rey was getting hungry.

They finally decided on something beautiful, elegant and vintage. “It looks familiar,” Ben had murmured to himself time and time again. “Like it’s a missing piece from her collection now.”

“It will fit right in,” Rey hummed in agreement, tilting her head up at him, a smile on her face. “She’s going to love it.”

The ring needed to be resized, and Ben would be able to pick it up in a week or so.

“Any other errands to run?” Rey asked as they stepped out of the jewelry shop. “You’re helping Han get Leia a ring, so what are you going to help Leia get Han?”

“Nothing.” Ben answered, slipping his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “Leia is a master at purchasing gifts. Besides, Han’s easy. You just get the guy old rusty junk to fix up and he’s suddenly like a kid on Christmas.”

Rey laughed, nodding her head in agreement. That sounded like Han. After all, Rey had helped fix up piece after piece of rusted, rescued junk.

“I’m starving.” Rey said, turning to face Ben as she continued to stroll backwards along the sidewalk. “Can we eat now please before I start to get hangry?”

Ben barked out a laugh, raising his eyebrows. “You ate the entire time we were in there!” He exclaimed, motioning towards the storefront behind them. “You kept pulling snacks out of your bag. From what I could see you had three fruit snacks, a granola bar and a pack of crackers.”

“Those are snacks!” Rey countered back, jutting her bottom lip out in a pout. “That’s not food. That’s not proper meals. I need proper meals to prevent myself from withering away. Not to mention the mood swings. You do not want to see my mood swings. Poe and Finn will attest to that.”

They were still strolling down the sidewalk, moving at a leisurely pace. Rey was still walking backwards, facing Ben who was just a stride or two behind.

“If you want my help, then you have to feed me. That’s the deal.”

“The deal?” His eyebrows rose higher, growing closer towards his hairline. “I didn’t agree to anything.”

“It’s a silent deal, one you are in agreement with the moment you ask for my help. Ask anyone. It’s an unspoken rule.” Her pace began to slow down, a smirk still on her face. 

Ben continued to move forward, coming to a stop until they were both just standing there, inchesd apart, facing one another.

“An unspoken rule.” He echoed, his voice a low deep rumble. 

Why did it get to her every time? His low baritone, the way simple words on his lips could cause a tremble down her spine.

It’s fine, Rey kept telling herself. You’re friends. Friends who just spent a nice afternoon together. Off limits, he’s not allowed. 

“Mmhmm.” Rey hummed, her lips pressed tighter into a tight line, and her hands poised on her hips. This was not flirting. No, this was friendly banter between two friends. Because that was what she and Ben were, right? Friends.

“And because of this unspoken rule, I’m expected to feed you.” 

“Yep.” She popped the ‘p’ at the end of the word, her chin tilted up and her gaze meeting his. Or it would meet his, had Rey not caught Ben’s eyes momentarily fixated on her lips.

Friends. Friends. Friends.

“You know,” Rey continued on, arms loosely folded across her chest right underneath her bust. Was she moving towards him or was he moving towards her? The space seemed to grow smaller between them. The world around them was fading away, was beginning to become more and more tuned out. “I have food at my place. Enough leftover take-out to feed myself, and you, and I would still have some to take for lunch tomorrow.”

Rey watched as the tip of his tongue dashed out, wetting his lips.

Her panties grew wet too.

“I would love to go back to your place,” Ben was beginning to say, his voice a low murmur. “Fuck, there are so many reasons that I would love to go back to your place.”

Rey felt her knees shake. Literally, her knees felt as if they were going to give away.

“So let’s go.” She was shocked that the words managed to make their way from the throat. Her voice cracked like she was a teenage boy in the midst of puberty.

Rey was too horny to feel embarrassed.

Slowly Rey started to move again. Somehow her hand found his, her fingers slipping into the empty spaces, filling the void with perfect precision.

As if they were made to fit together.

She held her breath. Her chest felt tight and the air in her lungs felt thick. 

Then Ben took a step forward too, allowed himself to be pulled along, as he followed like a loyal dog.

Rey could breathe again.

He was smiling. The corners of his lips turned upwards into a rare smile except… except his eyes looked sad. Why would his eyes look sad?

It got hard to breathe again, as Ben’s hand dropped back down to his side and his feet came to a slow stop in the middle of the sidewalk.

“I can’t go back to your place.”

“It’s just food-“ Rey countered back, the words nothing more than a low, quiet murmur. “Just take out food and talking.”

“I can’t have sex with you.” He spoke bluntly.

Rey couldn’t even bring herself to fake confusion. He had felt it. He knew that she had felt it too.

“Why?” The single syllable felt heavy on the tip of her tongue. It was a loaded question. What she wanted to ask was why did this have to be so hard? Why couldn’t this be easy? Everything else about their relationship was easy. Conversation was easy. Attraction was easy. Having fun, and feeling as if she could be herself around Ben, was easy. 

And most importantly, if there was a God, why would he create her other half, her person, her soulmate if she could be so bold, and make him entirely unattainable? What was the point of not just finding the person you want to spend your life with, but knowing that and feeling confident in that decision, only for that person to always be out of reach?

What she managed to get out were those three little letters, that tiny little word that was merely the tip of the iceberg for the thoughts that kept her up at night.

But of course Ben understood her. Of course Ben could read between the lines.

That sad smile was still on his face. Rey hates that smile, hated the sense of pity that it represented. She wanted to knock it straight off of his face, claw and scratch at it with her nails until it vanished, not a single trace left behind.

The problem was that Ben was too beautiful to taint and scar. Even with that sad smile, Rey couldn’t bring herself to raise a hand.

“I can’t have sex with you,” Ben repeated exhaling a slow, shaking breath. His gaze dropped from hers, falling to the sidewalk as he gave a small shake of his head. Those large fingers were raking through his hair, leaving his dark locks disheveled.

Rey wanted to touch him. So badly she wanted to touch him, to knot her fingers through his hair, to kick her fingers with his.

See? She would say. See how perfectly we fit together? See how right this feels?

“Ben-“ Tears were beginning to pool in her eyes. Do not cry, Rey told herself. You are stronger than this. You have been through worse than this.

“I can’t have sex with you,” He began once more, lifting his gaze as his eyes bore into Rey’s. “Because I will fall in love with you.”

Rey felt her heart splinter, felt it begin to crack, to chip away and break.

“And,” His voice wavered. She watched, feeling helpless and immobile as he paused, lips pursed as he gave a small shake of his head. “I might not burst into flames or cause the ten plagues to rain upon the world. But- But I will be fucked.”

This shouldn’t hurt so bad. This shouldn’t cut so deep.

They barely knew one another. She didn’t know his favorite color or what foods he craved when he was sick. He didn’t know about her secret stockpile of Easy Mac’s and the fact her birthday was an estimated guess.

They had spent a handful of weeks together, mere hours at most and yet why did this hurt so much?

“I’m sorry-“ He was stepping towards her, arms outstretched as if he was going to fix this, as if he could soothe her and make it right.

Perhaps the saddest thing was that he could. He could take Rey into his arms, could rest his chin on the crown of her head, run his fingers through her hair or pat her back. He could murmur soft reassurances, could tell her that they could remain friends, that they could still play a part in each others’ lives.

Ben could promise to stick around, could promise to be there for her, to fill some empty void that she was so desperate to fix.

He could fix it all with whispered promises and a gentle touch.

And Rey would accept it all. She would be greedy, holding hard and fast to every brush of his skin and every word that slipped from his lips. Crumbs, they would be only crumbs, but that was fine. Rey had lived off of crumbs before, she had starved, gone days without anything proper to eat.

She could live off of crumbs again. She would, if it meant keeping him.

“Please don’t come to the church anymore.” The blow was harsh, a stifled sob burst from her throat. But she nodded her head, her hands rapidly wiping at the tears which began to fall.

Rey stumbled, took a step back, putting distance between herself and Ben.

He looked like he had been slapped. He looked like this hurt him just as much as it hurt her, and Rey supposed that was true.

I’ll fall in love with you.

“Rey-“

“No,” She waved a hand, her other arm wrapped against her stomach. “No it’s fine. I understand. I get it.”

Distance. They needed distance. They could take some time apart, set some boundaries and then at the wedding… at the wedding…

“I’m not going to the wedding. I’ll tell Han and Leia that I can’t, that something came up.”

He was still talking as she shook her head. “Ben, no. No. They’re your parents.” He snorted, but Rey ignored him as she continued on. “You can’t not go to your parents’ wedding. I’ll tell them I can’t be there. I’ll fake sick or- or say I’m going to be out of town.”

Ben was shaking his head too. Funny, despite their difference in stature, they always seemed to be a mirror image of one another. 

“You’re their family. And they’re yours. You’ve been a part of their lives. I didn’t even speak to Han for the last ten years.”

“Which is why you need to go.” Her voice was firm, her brow serious and furrowed despite her tear stained cheeks. “You’re mending things with them. You need to be there.”

He didn’t say anything. His lips were pressed into a thin line, as they reached nothing more than a bitter stalemate.

She watched as Ben tilted his head back, looking up at the sky. “I knew you liked irony but this is too fucking much,” She heard him murmur, and Rey knew that he wasn’t speaking to her nor himself.

Then his gaze once again met hers. There was a long pause, as they continued to look at one another, neither one speaking, as if they were both afraid to propel the conversation further just as they were afraid to say goodbye. 

“We can’t just stand here for the rest of our lives.” Rey finally admitted, a bitter laugh tagged onto the end of her words.

Yet her feet remained rooted to the concrete, forever stuck in limbo.

Because walking away meant dealing with reality and saying goodbye. Rey was not ready to say goodbye.

Ben, it seemed, was not ready to say goodbye either.

You can do this, once again she told herself. Just turn around, just walk away. It was like ripping off a bandaid. She just had to muster enough confidence and bravado to get through the painful bit. But once that was over, once the bandage was gone, then that was the worst part, right?

It was Rey who finally needed to get it over with. Because she could not bear to watch one more person walk away from her, could not handle another retreating back on it’s way out of her life.

Looking back, she wished she had spoken, had said something that would provide more closure and maybe more peace of mind. But what was there to say? What rock had been left unturned, what words had been left unsaid?

The world had broken between them, a chasm formed with Rey on one side and Ben on the other. There was no bridge, no connecting force between the two sides. 

After all, how did you compete, how did you compare with an invisible force meant to be all knowing and all powerful?

You didn’t. You cut ties, counted your losses and you walked away.

So Rey did just that. She turned and she walked away.

It took every ounce of will power and strength to not turn back.

* * *

“I shouldn’t go,” Rey argued, trying to see over the massive floral arrangement that had been thrust into her hands. “This is awkward. It’s going to be uncomfortable.”

What if he’s there, her mind kept saying, and Rey didn’t know if it was a tremor of pleasure or dread that caused the hairs to rise on the back of her neck.

“Peanut, he’s not going to be there.” Finn countered back, juggling no less than five tupperware containers in his hand. “This is more of a work thing. A friends thing.” 

“It’s a luncheon that Poe is throwing to celebrate their vow renewal.” Rey hissed back, swatting a chrysanthemum out of her eye. “You don’t think he would invite their one and only child who just happens to be officiating the ceremony?”

Finn rolled his eyes, but said nothing, his lips pressed into a tight line as the pair continued their walk down the sidewalk of Leia and Han’s neighborhood. “You never told me what happened.” He eventually said, gently prodding, trying to get Rey to open up. He had been trying for weeks, trying to get her to talk, to leak any nugget of information about what had happened between herself and Father Ben.

“There’s nothing to discuss, nothing happened.” Rey echoed, the words tired and old, a line she kept feeding anyone who asked. 

It wasn’t a lie. There wasn’t anything to discuss. Nothing did happen.

Kneel.

She couldn’t sleep. She couldn’t even close her eyes without feeling the phantom touch of his lips on her neck and his fingers in her hair. She kept dreaming about him, kept seeing him every time she closed her eyes. 

It led to more than one insomniac night, full of tossing and turning and no sleep.

So many times Rey had grabbed her phone, rapidly typing out a text that was promptly deleted. Sometimes her finger would hover over the ‘call’ button, and she wondered if he would answer given the time.

Of course he would answer. Ben would always answer.

It made it that much harder to turn off her phone, to roll over in bed and squeeze her eyes shut, willing her brain to think of anything else.

Finn was talking again. He was talking about the lunch, and complaining about the supplies he had to bring, the ones Poe had forgotten. 

“I swear, he lives his entire life like a race. He runs in Costco, Rey. Runs. As if he’s going to get a prize if he’s the first one to reach the samples.”

She made a noncommittal noise in response, supplying enough nods and ‘mmhmm’s’ to keep Finn talking. As long as he talked, Rey didn’t have to. Instead she could attempt to cope with the knots in her stomach and worries in her head.

Rey hadn’t even been able to tell Han and Leia that she wasn’t coming to their wedding. Every time she tried to approach Han, an excuse on the tip of her tongue, he would bark at her in that soft, gruff way of his. Every time she got Leia on the phone, the older woman would be talking about this and that, inviting Rey over for dinners or offering excursions and ideas for outings that they could do together.

She just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t bring herself to disappoint them. After all, how did you spend your whole life wanting nothing more than a family, only to finally get them and let them down.

“That’s what families are for.” Ben had said once, when she had dragged him into this guinea pig cafe for Saturday brunch. “They’re made for disappointments and let downs. They’re the only people who have a biological obligation to stick around.”

Except for her real parents. Then again, there was always an exception to the rule, right?

Part of her wanted to throw caution to the wind and tell Leia and Han what was really going on. But how did you say, “I really want to fuck your son, and came close to succeeding despite the fact he’s essentially married to God. Suggestions? Advice?”

The sad thing was, Rey knew that they would try to help her. Leia would pull her into a hug and call her sweetheart. Han would crack a terrible joke that would be so bad she would have to laugh. It would probably be at Ben’s expense too, something about his big ears and moody personality.

Except Rey loved those parts of him too.

Fuck. Love. 

She had had a handful of relationships over the years. Hell, she and Poe had gone on a date, though it only took two drinks and a plate of nachos to realize that Rey knew the perfect person for him…was Finn.

But Rey never thought that she had been with someone that she loved.

She was young. She was in her mid twenties, the era dedicated to blind dates and casual flings. Your twenties were supposed to be the definition of hook-up culture. 

Then again, that was life right? Things happened when you least expected it? The good things were supposed to come out of left field, to hit you like a truck.

Right now she felt like roadkill. 

***

Everyone was chatting, mingling and drinking while munching on the perfectly made hor dourves that Poe has supplied (thank you Costco). 

Leia and Han were having a great time, reminiscing and telling the tales of their younger years, when Leia had been protesting on a college campus and Han had been passing through, on his way to deal weed.

It was hardly love at first sight. 

“I hated him.” Leia recalled, looking up at Han with nothing but fondness on her face. “He was always hanging around the campus, coming to all the good parties. Too tall, too old, too scruffy looking.”

“Scruffy? It was the 70s. Hair was in.”

“Then I caught him selling weed to Luke.”

“You flushed my entire stash down the toilet.” Han countered back, his lips pursed but a loving twinkle in his eye. 

“You were going to get us caught! The last thing I needed was to get arrested again.”

“Yet you didn’t mind me hanging around campus two weeks later when I hid you in my van after you set off a bomb in the staff lounge.”

“Stink bomb,” Leia corrected, a weathered finger pointed at her husband (and husband-to-be)’s face. “Those sexist pigs had it coming.”

“The rest,” Han looped his arms around her middle, drawing her shorter form flush against his. “They say, is history.”

Leia snorted at that, but Rey watched as she placed her arm over Han’s.

“To history.” Poe declared, raising his glass towards the couple of honor. She caught sight of Finn giving a good natured roll of his eyes, though his free hand slipped into his boyfriend’s, giving it a small affectionate squeeze.

Everyone else mimicked his actions, Rey included.

“To history.” She murmured quirky, before her lips met the rim of her glass and she downed the rest of her wine.

***

It was late and the party was essentially over. The cake had been cut, the crowd had dwindled and thinned out. Finn, Poe and Rey remained, helping Han and Leia to clean up the mess.

Rey was in the kitchen, washing wine glasses, cutlery and plates. It seemed Poe always insisted on using the real thing, opposed to paper or plastic. “It elevates the party. Takes it to the next level.” He would insist, trying to speak loudly over Finn and Rey’s protests.

Oddly enough Poe was always MIA when the time came to do the dishes.

“I’ll do them, it’s fine.” Rey offered before retreating into the kitchen and leaving the boys with the task of cleaning up all the confetti that Poe insisted on showering the couple with. It was iridescent and in the shape of Han and Leila’s profiles, and so far Han and Finn had both cursed Poe twice for it being a bitch to clean up.

It seemed both the vacuum and broom were rejecting it, meaning it had to be picked up by hand.

So in the kitchen Rey stayed, humming to herself and scrubbing away remnants of wine and cake crumbs.

“What do you mean you’re not coming?!”

Han’s booming voice rang out through the town house. Instantly Rey’s hands still in the soapy, lukewarm water.

There was a low murmur followed by Leila’s calmer voice, an octave higher and a bit louder than usual.

Rey didn’t even have to peak to know who they were talking to.

Ben.

She felt as if she was moving in slow motion as she turned, drying her hands on the dish towel before crossing the kitchen. The door leading to the living room was one of those old fashion swing doors that was a big deal on nineties sitcoms. Rey pushed it open just a good inch or two, enough to see that sure enough, Ben was seated on the edge of the green velvet arm chair, his elbows resting on his knees and his back hunched over.

Poe and Finn were nowhere to be seen. Rey could see the flash of confetti still embedded in the carpet.

Leia was on the couch while Han stood. Neither one of them looked happy.

“I already contacted Luke. He was coming into town for the wedding anyways, right? I’m sure he’s perfectly capable of-“

“We don’t want, Luke.” Han argued, waving his half empty glass of scotch around. His voice trailed off, followed by a frustrated growl.

“I don’t understand.” Leia was saying now, fingers pinching the bridge of her nose. “We want you to be a part of this, Ben. One of the reasons we’re having the ceremony is for you to have a part in this. Not Luke.”

“But it’s between you two. It’s about your love and your relationship.” Ben was pleading, threading his fingers through his hair.

“Which you are a part of. You’re a product of our love, our relationship.”

“Not to mention a shit ton of tequila.” Han interjected, receiving twin glares from his wife and son.

“Not helping.” Leia spoke through gritted teeth.

“Look,” Ben was getting to his feet now, shifting his weight as if he wanted to pace but didn’t have the room to do so, when flanked by his father on one side and his mother on the other. “I told you I can’t do it. I forgot about a previous commitment. It’s just the way things are.”

His face was flushed as he snapped, his voice growing louder and more cold.

Han and Leia fell silent. A hush fell over the room. Rey knew she shouldn’t be spying. She shouldn’t be watching something that was between the three of them.

The guilt ebbed at her stomach. It gnawed away like a corrosive acid, leaving her with nothing but a bad ulcer and a dry mouth.

She needed to move. She needed to shut the door and leave this house before Ben saw her.

Because if Ben saw her…

“Is this about Rey?” Leia’s voice was soft, comforting and quiet.

Her entire body froze, unable to move even if she tried. Han’s head jerked up, his brow furrowed in confusion.

Ben looked like a deer in the headlights, his hand stuck at the back of his neck and his face completely void of emotion.

“Honey-“ Leia was moving to stand, a small smile on her face. The same smile that Ben gave Rey the day they went ring shopping.

Han looked between the two, clearly confused. “What about Rey? What does she have to do with this?”

Ben held his mother’s stare. He gave nothing away. Didn’t even blink in recognition as her name left Leia’s lips.

And then… there it was… the quiver of his jaw. His telltale, his sign of something bubbling beneath the cold, distant exterior.

“Oh, Ben.”

“I cannot marry you because of a prior commitment.” Ben repeated the mantra again, louder this time, and Rey couldn’t help but to think it was more for himself than either of his parents. Han still looked confused, as Leia rose to stand, a hand already outstretched towards her son.

Ben flinched, pulling away. “I need to go. I just thought- I figured I should tell you it in person rather than just over the phone.” That was it. He was done. He was shutting down, closing off as he stepped away from his parents, already yanking on his coat.

Leia kept calling her name, as she moved after her son. Han’s gaze drifted over towards the kitchen door. Quickly Rey ducked back inside, pleading and hoping that no one saw her. She didn’t want to discuss this with Han or Leia. She barely wanted to relive it all in her own fucking head.

The slam of the front door caused her to cringe. Her hands were shaking as she picked up her bag and her keys from the breakfast table. She needed to move. She needed to leave. Leia was probably filling in the blanks for Han, though it remained unseen if the older woman even knew what was going on, or just relying upon a mother’s intuition.

Either way, Rey didn’t want to stick around for the fall out. She could send out an apology text later for her abrupt departure. She could handle this on Monday morning at work with Han. Right now… right now she needed to move, to run.

She didn’t think about where she was going, didn’t make a beeline towards the nearest bus stop or try to walk home. All Rey knew was that she couldn’t stay here. 

What she didn’t expect to see was Ben seated on a bench, just around the corner from his childhood home.

Once more Rey froze at the sight of him, her mind telling her to backtrack; to turn around and flee in the other direction.

Her heart told her to stay.

Fuck, she had missed him.

“Fuck,” The word slipped from her lips, barely a whisper but still loud enough to reach his ears.

Ben’s head jerked up, his eyes meeting hers. She felt a lump forming in her throat, felt like she was going to cry. Why did she always cry? She saw a sad commercial, she got teary eyed. She heard a beautiful piece of instrumental music, she bawled. She read a sad book or got to the emotional climax of a movie, and Rey was nothing but a puddle, a mess.

She fell in love with a priest, and Rey felt as if the tears may never stop to fall.

“I didn’t mean to be there. Poe- Poe said that you weren’t coming.” Rey was talking now, the words falling from her lips. “I wouldn’t have come if you were going to be here.”

“Rey-” He stood, his movements slow. Like he was afraid to startle her. Like he was afraid that she would bolt, a deer spooked by a spotlight.

“I’m going to tell them.” She was hiccuping now, trying to get the words out, trying to say what she wanted to say. “Not- not about this,” Rey gave a quick jerk of her hand, motioning between herself and Ben. “Just that I can’t go to the wedding. Because they’re right. You should be there. Ben you’re their son and they love you and fuck, they missed you so much. They love you so much and you need to be there.”

“No.” He was shaking his head, his hands curled into fists by his side. “No. You’re going. You’ve been in their lives more than me, at this point.”

“Ben, they’re your family.”

“Now they’re yours. You deserve it. They deserve you.”

Because your own family didn’t want you. Because he felt like his parents didn’t want him.

The sadness was changing tide, slowly turning into anger in the pit of her gut. Her tears still fell, but they were growing hot.

“I don’t need your pity.”

Ben looked surprised, eyebrows raised and lips slightly parted. He was holding his hands in front of him, once more as if Rey was a wild horse that he was trying to approach. “I didn’t mean-”

“I get what you meant.” The words were short, crisp and sharp. There was a heavy pause. She jutted out her lower jaw, her teeth tightly clenching together until she felt a dull ache. 

“Rey-”

She cut him off. She didn’t want to hear it; didn’t want Ben to say anymore. “Don’t you have to go be with God, or something?”

He recoiled, the words hitting him like the snap of a whip. Rey watched as he blinked at her; watched the sadness melt from his eyes as he began to rebuild the wall between them.

This was how it needed to be, she told herself. This was for the best.

Besides, being angry made it easier to walk away, to turn and leave without looking back.

“I get it.” Ben was cold with her, more distant than he ever had been before. Rey tried to ignore the way it hurt. She tried to push down her feelings, tried to shove them aside.

This was for the best.

This time, it was Ben who walked away.

This time Rey managed to get home, to slip inside her front door before the tears began to fall yet again.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all comments/kudos are appreciated! ♥️
> 
> feel free to follow me on [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/shuhannon)


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s for the best, he kept telling himself, the same lie he always chanted over and over in his mind. It’s what needs to be done; the distance, the cold shoulder. 
> 
> Even causing her pain would be worth it in the end when the day comes that she moves on.
> 
> He might not be able to fix this; might not be able to mend his soul.
> 
> But there was still hope for Rey.
> 
> * * *
> 
> rey tries to move forward while ben reflects on the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've upped the chapter count again. I'M SORRY. but i'm also not. the more i wrote, the more i realized i wasn't quite ready to wrap things up for these two just yet. there were moments i wanted to include from ben's POV and before i knew it, this thing had expanded into almost 9,000 words and i knew it wasn't over yet.
> 
> as of now, i plan to have one more chapter, followed by the epilogue. 
> 
> i can't thank you all enough again for every comment, kudos, and tweet that you've sent my way about this fic. of everything i've written, i'm the most proud of this and it warms my heart to see you guys enjoying it too, even when i'm making you cry lol.
> 
> again, thanks to [bronwyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/here4thereylo/pseuds/here4thereylo) for beta-ing for me! don't worry, that pink church bouncy house is coming ;). everyone needs to go read her fic, 'the choice' ASAP. it's like the bachelor meets the hunger games and there are not enough words in the world to sing it's praises. JUST GO READ IT NOW.

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/182242012@N03/48949117148/in/dateposted-public/)

It had been exactly one month.

One month of wallowing, lying in bed and watching sad movies. Her sheets were covered with crumbs and tear stains, and Rey began to move on autopilot, going through the motions while trying to remain void of emotions.

Because it  _ hurt.  _ How long was it supposed to hurt?

“That’s it.” Finn stated, bursting through the door of her bedroom. He had a trash bag in hand, and was suddenly a blur of motion, tossing away empty ice cream cartons, piles of tissues and trashy magazines from six months ago. “Consider this your intervention. You’re getting up, you’re showering, you’re putting on something hot and you’re going out.”

Rey was already moving, pulling the edge of her duvet higher and higher up along her body, trying to wrap herself inside it like a protective cocoon. “Finn I don’t want to go-”

“No.” He turned on his heel, finger pointed at Rey and his jaw tightly set. “ _ No _ . You don’t get to say no. We’ve all watched you wither away for the last few weeks ago and it ends now, Rey. It ends  _ now _ .”

She shook her head, clinging to her comforter, pulling it tighter around herself. Nothing but her face as peeking out now, and even that seemed too much, seemed like too much was exposed.

Finn shot her a look,  _ that  _ look that Rey always thought would mean he would be a great parent someday, one that could be fun and who you could confide in but also who wouldn’t be taking any shit.

“You don’t even know what happened.” The words came out like a whisper, a silent plea for him to back off, to leave her alone.

She watched as he hung his head, letting out a heavy breath as he set down the semi full trash bag. “Then  _ talk _ to me, Peanut.” Finn pleaded, his voice soft and gentle. He sat down on the edge of the bed, his hand outstretched, fingers gently tugging at the comforter, trying to pull it away from around her face. “I can’t help unless you talk too. This has always been a two way street. As close as we are, I still can’t read your mind.”

Rey said nothing, lips pressed together. Why didn’t he understand that she couldn’t? Not because she didn’t want to, but because of Ben. 

Rey might of had her heart on the line, but Ben… Ben had his heart, his family, his career.

A silence fell between the two of them. Rey watched as Finn’s hands dropped back down to his sides, his head hung and his eyes momentarily closing as he moved to rub at his temples.

She opened her mouth before closing it, not sure what to say or if she even wanted to say anything. Because how many times could you tell your best friend that they wouldn’t understand? How many times could you tell them that it hurt too much to talk about?

“This is about him, right?” 

Rey flinched, dropping her gaze to the duvet in her hands, her fingers instinctively moving to tug at a stray thread. She didn’t say anything, tried to not give anything away.

Yet it was clear they both knew who that ‘he’ was.

“Leia-” Finn began to say, his head still bent and his eyes fixated on his hands, which rested on his lap. “She has this… theory. She thought it was just on his half of things but now seeing how you’ve been these last few weeks.” His voice trailed off. Rey could tell he had been picking and choosing very carefully what he said, testing the waters to see if she would open up.

Of course Leia was suspicious. How she connected the dots, Rey had no idea. Then again, she didn’t know what Ben had told his mother about their… what did you even call it? Their friendship? That seemed too trivial, yet relationship didn’t seem right either. A relationship wasn’t suddenly born after making out once and crying in the street on more than one occasion.

“Rey-” He was turning towards her, a look of sympathy in his eyes. She didn’t want his pity, didn’t want his sadness for her. Because that hurt too. 

“Fine.” She sat up abruptly, still not meeting Finn’s eye. “I’ll go out. I’ll get dressed and put on makeup. I’ll- I’ll call Hux.”

That got his attention. Finn’s eyebrows shot up. “Hux? I thought that was over between you two. When’s the last time you even spoke to him?”

The duvet began to slide down off of her head and shoulders, as Rey shifted on her bed, giving a nonchalant shrug of her shoulders. “It’s been a while.” Probably since her last break up, though could you count this as a break up when the relationship had barely been started? “He’ll answer, though.” He always did. That was the nice thing about Hux. He was always up for a night out as long as it stayed just that. He was the textbook definition of friends with benefits.

Finn didn’t look convinced, but for his credit he gave a slow nod. “Alright.” Rey hadn’t realized how bad things had gotten if hooking up with Hux was considered to be progress.

He stood, picking the trash bag up once again. “I just want to see you happy, Peanut. You know that right? Poe, Leia, Han, Chewy. We all just want to see you happy.” 

Rey felt her heart ache, felt it begin to crack again. Because of how different things could be. If Ben hadn’t been what he was. If only he had picked a different path. Maybe they would be planning double dates and family vacations. Maybe they would have weekly dinner at his parents’ house.

Maybe Ben wouldn’t be the person that Rey so badly loved if he hadn’t chosen this walk of life.

She forced a smile, knowing that it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I know, Peanut. I will be. Just a bump in the road.”

A speed bump that she had hit way too hard, going way too fast.

Finn returned her smile with one of his own, one that was genuine and kind. He reached up, smoothing her hair back, not caring that it was greasy and greatly in need of a wash. Leaning over, Rey closed her eyes as she felt Finn press his lips to the crown of her head. A lump was forming in her throat, and her grip tightened on the comforter as she willed herself to just not fucking cry. She had already cried so much. The last thing she wanted was to break down again in front of Finn.

Because if she did, Rey was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to stop. That she would be spilling every secret and feeling she had tried to bury deep down inside.

“Love you Peanut.” Finn whispered his fingers brushing against her cheek. 

“Love you Peanut.” Rey echoed back as she always did.

Never before had Rey been so grateful to see someone leave, to walk away. She barely heard the sound of the front door shutting before she was curling back up into a ball, the covers pulled over her head.

She would call Hux. She would get dressed up and shower and make plans to go out. Rey would eat three square meals, drink enough water and start living her life again.

Tomorrow.

Today she needed to still wallow and cry, to mourn what could have been.

* * *

Things had been rocky with his parents for as long as he could remember. Even as a kid, he remembered feeling as if he didn’t quite belong. He shared his mother’s eyes and his father’s smirk. But it seemed that was where the similarities ended. Ben always felt too much; he allowed his emotions to get to him, to dictate every action and move. A snide remark on the playground would leave a devastating chink in his armor. So he would retaliate, trading his fists for snarky comments. 

He was kicked out of four different schools before he was thirteen.

“What are we going to do, Han?” He remembered hearing his mother whisper. Ben was crouched at the top of the stairs, eavesdropping while they thought he was fast asleep in his bed. “We can’t just keep bouncing him around from school to school.”

“This is normal,” Han countered back, taking a sip from his glass. “Boy’s being-”

“Don’t you  _ dare  _ finish that sentence. That’s the most sexist, disgusting excuse I’ve ever heard.” Leia countered back, only to be met with silence. Ben could imagine his father; could picture him rolling his eyes and dowing back more whiskey in order to deal with his wife.

Neither Han or Leia spoke. Ben was craning his neck, trying to get a better look between the railings of the stairs. Maybe his father had walked out. Maybe his mother was finishing her wine before retreating to bed.

Maybe Han had fallen asleep on the couch.

He had been sleeping on the couch a lot as of late.

“We should send him to Luke’s.” 

Ben felt his stomach drop. No, no, no, no.

“We can’t just send him away, Leia. What message does that send? Things get tough and what? We just ship him off?”

Ben caught a glimpse of his mother. She was so beautiful, with her hair braided back and her long silk robe. Ben had always been closer to his mother than his father. His mother who had always touched his hair, had soothed him when things seemed so fucking overwhelming and like it was all just too much.

“You know what my father was like. You know the trouble he got into. I don’t want Ben going down that path.” Ben was surprised to hear the crack in Leia’s voice. She was always so strong, so steady. “I think Luke can help him. Luke had to deal with the same things-”

“Look,” Han was waving his whiskey glass around as he spoke. “I love the guy, but Luke’s a fucking crack pot. I don’t want Ben coming back in love with Jesus and turning into some reclusive hippy.”

“It’s better than expulsion. It’s better than seeing something worse happen to him.” Leia snapped. “We’re lucky the parents aren’t going to press charges, Han.  _ Charges _ . That boy- he had to go to the hospital. We’re lucky the police dropped things when they did. If they had seen Ben’s track record-”

Ben didn’t want to hear this. Didn’t want to listen anymore.

It was soon deemed that his fate had been decided. He was sat down, told he was going to live with his hermit uncle because it was for the best. For the best of his parents, Ben had bitterly thought. Now they didn’t have to deal with a troublesome child. Now they didn’t have to handle tough parenting.

That was the last time Ben spoke to them. He ignored their phone calls, left their letters unopened. He refused to go home for Christmas, refused to see them when they tried to visit. 

And the moment he turned eighteen he was gone without even a word of goodbye to the uncle that had tried to raise him the last four years. 

It was only six months ago that Ben had even reached back out.

Over the last decade, Ben had spoken to his mother sporadically. Their paths had coincidentally crossed here and there. There had been the rare birthday phone call, the random email. 

  
  


To be honest, Ben wasn’t even sure who took the first step towards mending their broken relationship. He likes to think it was him, influenced by God and not wanting to live his life with so many burnt bridges.

In reality, Ben knew it was most likely Leia. 

Leia was the glue that held their family together, that stopped Han, Ben, even Luke from drifting too far away. She gave them space, let them venture off on their own but by the end of the day they were all coming back in one way or another, always tethered to the matriarch of their family.

Now Ben was expected to  _ marry  _ his parents. Not that it was entirely legal. From what he understood, the divorce had never been finalized, had never gone through. Then again it wouldn’t surprise Ben at all if their first marriage back in the eighties hadn’t been altogether legal.

Either way, he was going to be bringing them together once more. It was an odd position to be in, considering for most of his life he had been the wedge driving them apart. They never knew what to do with him, their instincts going in polarizing directions. 

And now they had this new girl in their lives. What did they even need Ben for?

Ben remembered the first time he saw her.

He had been hearing about this  _ Rey  _ for months now. His father’s employee that was brilliant at cars, smart, funny, and the perfect worker despite her informal training. His mother couldn’t say enough kind things about her, about how she had beaten all the odds to make something of herself. How she was sweet and witty and kind.

_ The perfect child they never had _ , Ben couldn’t help but to bitterly think. Which wasn’t fair. Ben should be happy, should be glad that his father had a good employee who his mother had invited into their family.

Ben should be happy that this girl without a family of her own had found solace in his.

Instead he was left with a bitter taste in his mouth, one that he chased down with too much whiskey.

It was selfish, but the existence of this girl was the reason Ben showed up to dinner. Part of him was curious, had wanted to put a face to the name. 

The other half of him wanted to prove himself, to mark his territory and assert his dominance as the real child of Han Solo and Leia Organa. The prodigal son who had finally returned.

Which was childish in itself. He was a grown ass man in his thirties. He was a fucking priest. His thoughts shouldn’t be consumed with such envy.

The moment he saw her, envy suddenly wasn’t the most forthcoming sin in his mind.

Lust knocked envy out of the fucking water.

Ben couldn’t pay attention to the conversation, could barely nod along or form a response. His mouth felt dry, his tongue thick. 

_ His tongue lapping at the folds between her legs, tasting the very center of her core. His mouth on her neck, sucking and nipping at her pulse points, causing her eyes to flutter shut and a loud moan to slip from her lips. _

He shifted in his seat, desperately pleading, praying for his cock to soften.

What was he? Thirteen? A randy teenager who was getting a hard on by just looking at some pretty girl?

But she wasn’t just pretty. Ben found himself entirely intoxicated by the way she spoke, by the way her fingers curled around her glass, even by the shade of dark polish that was chipped on her fingernails. 

He was entirely, utterly captivated by her. He was a goner, hook, line and sinker.

If only he knew this was the beginning of the end, the catalyst that would set off his downward spiral.

* * *

Everything his parents had said about Rey was true. She was kind, funny, sweet. She was someone Ben could talk to, could hang out with, could listen to. 

Never before had he felt so connected to another person before. Never before did Ben suddenly start imagining what life would look like outside of the church.

And fuck, that scared him shitless.

There wasn’t supposed to be a life outside of the church. He was supposed to be devoted, a servant of God who was to help the people. He wasn’t supposed to feel like this, to have feelings like this.

He wasn’t supposed to fall in love.

It was fine, Ben told himself. It would be alright. They would be friends, would continue to talk and get together, to grab bites to eat and take long walks in the park. 

It was fine because the feelings weren’t returned. Because this was Ben’s burden to carry it, and carry it he would. For years he had done nothing but push down feelings, but tuck them away into a small, hidden place deep inside himself. He could do it again. He could do it for Rey.

Except every time she smiled, it broke him just a little bit more. Except every time she tucked a stray hair behind her ear, every time their fingers brushed against one another. Every time she looked at him, Ben felt his self control waning. He felt himself falling for her more and more, giving up inch after inch of his heart.

He was fucked in every way but one.

* * *

_ When I meet someone I like, I talk to them. I get to know them. I invite them to church. _

_ I give them free bibles. _

He had slipped the dog eared, weathered book into her tote bag one Saturday afternoon when they had been out shopping. It was slowly becoming their routine, a late breakfast followed by a walk around downtown. Sometimes they ended up in a grocery store, making immature jokes over the size of eggplants and peaches.

Usually they ended their day in a cafe, drinking coffee while Ben watched Rey eat not only her pastry but his as well. Sometimes they just sat on a park bench, people watching and making aimless commentary.

They had just ducked under the awning of an unopened shop, caught in the middle of a downpour on their walk back to the bus stop. 

It should have been a scene from a film, Ben with his button up shirt was sticking to him like a second skin, and the way Rey’s hair kept clinging to her neck and cheek. His fingers practically itched to reach out, to tuck it behind her ear and smooth it away.

Her cheeks were flushed, and she kept biting her lower lip in that way made his dick twitch. Oh how badly he wanted to taste those lips, to slip his tongue into her mouth in order to explore every crevice. 

Instead he gave her a bible, silently dropping the worn book into her canvas tote.

Rey said nothing, instead just shooting him a quizzical look, an eyebrow raised as her hazel eyes darted between Ben and her bag. 

There were notes written in the margins, passages underlined and others highlighted. The bible had been given to him by Luke, and of course a teenage Ben had chucked it into the back of his closet, where it laid, collecting dust and helping no one for the next four years.

When he had left Luke, it had been a fluke that the bible got packed. 

Ben didn’t open it, didn’t read it, pretended it didn’t even exist.

Until he hit rock bottom, and he figured he had nothing better to do with his life. It was either end it, or devote it to someone else.

God was an easy choice. It was a way he could have direction and structure, to be told what to do and when to do it without guilt or wrestling with his morals.

God was the lesser of two evils when compared with Ben’s former employer.

Snoke.

Ben didn’t want to think about Snoke. Even over a decade later, he still did not want to think about Snoke.

So it was that bible that Ben began to jot notes, scribbling in the margins, underlining verses or phrases that resonated with him at the time.

It was that bible that he passed onto Rey. 

He wasn’t trying to push religion down her throat. Ben had meant what he said at the restaurant that night, that he wasn’t looking to convert her. But you didn’t have to be religious to appreciate words in a book, even when the book was the Bible.

Besides, it was something that meant a lot to Ben. It was something important to him, something that he wanted her to have.

And she accepted it, albeit silently, with her pink lips pressed together and a look in her eyes. But still, she accepted it.

* * *

“So why don’t you believe in God?” Ben asked, merely thinking out loud as they walked down the street.

Rey shrugged her shoulders in response. She was wearing black jeans and an emerald colored sweater that really brought out the flecks of green in her hazel eyes. The weather was still cool; autumn was in full swing, with the leaves changing colors and pumpkins decorating every stoop and window shop. 

“I guess it just seemed all a bit… fanatical to me.” She was honest with him, something Ben both appreciated and admired. Rey always seemed capable of speaking her mind, of being herself without censoring what she wanted to say or watering things down.

He liked that about her. Liked the way she was outspoken, liked the freckles that were brushed across the bridge of her nose. He liked the stripe of skin that was exposed when she would stretch her arms, trying to grab something just out of reach.

He liked the way she smelled, sweet like coconut mixed with citrus and ginger. And he liked the way she smiled, the way it spread all the way across her face, making the skin at her temples crinkle in delight.

He liked a lot of things about Rey.

“But why?” Ben pressed on, biting his lip, trying to hold back a grin. “Don’t tell me you’re the type of person who thinks this,” He motioned to the world around them. “Is it? That you die and just decompose into dust and worm food?”

The look in her eye and the way she smirked was answer enough.

Ben let out a scoff, an ungraceful noise of disbelief. “But why?” He continued on, giving a small shake of his head. “I mean, why settle for that when you could get perfect utopia?”

“You don’t know that heaven exists.” Rey countered back, nudging her shoulder into his arm. “There’s no proof of it. There’s no guarantee.”

“Right,” Ben nodded his head in agreement. “But there’s no guarantee of just nothing either. There’s no proof that this is your own life either.” 

“Well,” She was shrugging her shoulders again, fidgeting with the tote bag on her shoulder. “I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed.”

“What if you have to believe though, in order to get in?”

Rey’s eyes narrowed slightly as she turned her head, her chin tilted up towards his face. “I thought you just had to be a good person to get into Heaven.”

“Yes,” He drew out the word, slowly nodding his head in agreement. “But you ideally have to believe in God too.”

Ben watched as she opened her mouth, clearly ready to argue against his point. He stopped her, pointing to a sign just beyond her head. “You want to see something amazing?” Ben asked, his hand already reaching for hers, as he did his best to ignore the buzz of electric that he felt the moment their skin touched.

“C’mon,” Ben was tugging on her arm, pulling her after him through the wooden door of the building behind them.

“A quaker meeting?” Rey hissed into her ear. She was following after him, her body just a beat behind his. “You’re not allowed to talk in those, I thought.”

Turning his head, Ben looked at her, flashing Rey a quick grin. “You’re not. Not unless the spirit moves you to. And then you have to stand up and share it with everyone.”

* * *

Ben had lost count how long they had been seated in the Quaker meeting house. There was only one other person there, an elderly man probably well into his seventies. The three of them had been sitting there, each on different sides of the meeting house, not saying a word.

Silence had used to be his least favorite thing. Silence meant thinking, meant getting completely lost in your thoughts. It meant going down the rabbit hole of memories; of what had happened in your life and what could lie on the path ahead. Ben had always done poorly with the past and the future.

So instead of getting lost in his thoughts, he got lost in Rey.

It was a dangerous, slippery slope to go down. Yet every time he looked away, he found his gaze drawn back to her. 

His mother was always warning him that he made decisions too hastily. Luke would yell at him too. “Think Ben,” His uncle would chide. “Think before you speak, before you act. Just think.” Sometimes Ben wondered if he would have thought things through more, maybe he wouldn’t have become a priest. After all, he could have still served God no matter the denomination. His father wasn’t Catholic. His mother had left the church in her teens. 

Ben could have become Lutheran, Presbyterian, anything really. He didn’t even need to classify himself as anything other than ‘Christian’ in order to be a pastor, a preacher, even a priest.

Then again if he was going to do this, he was going to do it the most extreme way. He was going to do it to its fullest extent. He would go the long haul, would give up his worldly possessions and personal attachment. He would give it all up; love, romance, sex. If Ben was going to do this, then he was going to do it.

And up until a few weeks ago, he hadn’t had any regrets.

Now, staring at Rey, watching the way she toyed with her bottom lip, glancing around the meeting room, the way she shifted in her seat.

He couldn’t think of anyone better to give up God for.

_ Stop it _ , Ben told himself, giving a sharp shake of his head. This was dangerous territory. If he started thinking like this… if he let himself go down that path…

Ben knew his parents would understand. He was pretty certain at this point in life, if he told his mother that he wanted to give up his priesthood in order to join the circus she would pat him on the cheek, smile and offer words of support.

Because she wanted to be there for him. She wanted to prove that she could, perhaps wanted to make amends for the years when she was absent, when work was prioritized over a troublesome, difficult child who felt too much.

Everyone was driven by guilt, after all. Everyone was trying to fix things, to make the world, make themselves a better place.

Everyone was trying to be good.

But what would Ben be giving the priesthood up for? Sex? Was it nothing more than a combination of abstinence for so long paired with a purely physical attraction? Was it because of the way his eyes lingered on her ass and the way her jeans hugged the curve of her hips like a second skin? Was it the way he had to keep looking for a reason to touch her; to take her hand in his, or give her shoulder a squeeze. Or the way he had to walk so close beside her just to feel her arm brush against his? 

Maybe it was the way Ben couldn’t even escape her in his dreams. How he would envision her standing before him, slowly shedding her clothes piece by piece. How he would dream of her laying out before him, completely nude, her legs parted and her nipples pert. How Ben would imagine how she tasted, how she felt when he ran his fingers down along her neck, her sternum, between her breasts and her torso.

How his fingers would travel down lower and lower before slipping between her folds. How he could practically feel the warmth, the wetness between his fingertips even in his slumber.

It was like Ben was entirely drunk; a dependent, barely functioning alcoholic who wanted nothing but to drink more, more, more. He wanted to get lost in her; to bathe in her scent and touch. He wanted to get lost in the feeling of her hair and the way his palm could perfectly cup her breast.

Ben wanted her. Not just her body, no. He realized this wasn’t just about sex, about lust.

Somewhere along the way, Ben had fallen in love with her too.

Had it just been sex, that would be easy. Urges were normal. Attraction happened. It was something that had occurred before, would most likely occur again.

Except this wasn’t just attraction.

How did you just fall out of love with someone?

Distance, a voice spoke from the back of his mind. Distance and time.

That would be the healthy, responsible choice. After the wedding, they would have no reason to spend time together. Ben just had to get to the wedding, to get through it and then… and then…

And then he couldn’t imagine his life without Rey in it.

The sound of a wooden chair creaking brought him out of his thoughts. His head snapped up as the older gentleman stood. Suddenly he was reminded of where he was, of who he was with.

Quaker meeting. Silence. Reflection. Lost in thought.

Maybe there was merit behind their idea of sitting in utter silence, waiting for the spirit to move you.

“I think,” The man began to speak in a quiet rasp. “I think I will be going home in November.” 

His statement was met with silence, and as the man lowered himself back onto his chair Ben swore he heard him repeat, “I think.”

Instantly Ben’s eyes flashed to Rey’s. She was looking straight back at him, clearly doing her best not to laugh. It made Ben want to laugh too, and he quickly looked away, an easy smile spreading across his face.

The silence had only fallen for a minute, maybe two before another chair was groaning under movement. Except this time the sound came from across the room, where Rey sat. Or well, where she had sat. Ben watched, eyes widening as she slowly got to her feet. He watched her own eyes widen, as if her body was moving on its own accord.

“Er,” Rey cleared her throat, her fingers toying with the sleeve of her sweater momentarily before she forced her arms to lay dormant at her sides. “I think,” She too paused, maybe for dramatic effect, maybe to poke fun at the old man. “I think,” She began again, “I would have been less of a feminist if I had bigger tits.”

Ben laughed.

Rey sat back down, a grin on her face and a glint in her eye.

And once again Ben thought,  _ How could he give up her? Give up this? _

* * *

The house was trashed. There wasn’t a chair left unturned, a pillow not thrown, and a dish not broken. 

Nothing but feathers, glass, and splintered shards of word littered the ground.

Nothing had been sacred, nothing had been safe.

Ben was on his second bottle of whiskey, having thrown the first against the wall of his hut.

Why did it hurt so much? Why was this the one thing he couldn’t get past? 

Maybe because this was his burden to carry; his punishment for the crimes he had committed and the terrible things he had done.

Once more Ben felt like he was a puppet, with Snoke pulling the strings. Oh how his previous employer would love the irony of Ben falling in love, only when he wasn’t allowed. This was the kind of twisted, fucked up schemes that Snoke loved to craft. 

Except Snoke wasn’t around, wasn’t in control of Ben’s life anymore. The bitterest pill of all, was accepting the fact that despite the manipulation and abuse, Ben had always been the one responsible. His actions weren’t the fault of anyone but him.

He had always been in charge of his life. Even when he had allowed others to take control, to take the steering wheel.

In the end, it all whittled down to Ben’s choice. Ben’s decisions. Because it was Ben’s life.

This was his choice too.

His choice to hurt her. To try and push her away, even when his heart was telling him to go forward, to reach out, to just be fucking happy for once.

It’s for the best, he kept telling himself, the same lie he always chanted over and over in his mind. It’s what needs to be done; the distance, the cold shoulder. 

Even causing her pain would be worth it in the end when the day comes that she moves on.

Once again he raised the bottle to his lips and began to drink, began to try and drown his sorrows and smother the feeling of his heart beginning to crack, to break and fall completely and utterly apart.

He might not be able to fix this; might not be able to mend his soul.

But there was still hope for Rey.

Distance. Ben just needed to keep distance. He needed to resist temptation. He needed to stay away.

* * *

She opened the door wearing a trenchcoat.

Her hair was down, was slightly curled as it brushed the tops of her shoulders. And she had made up on, her eyelashes looking impossibly long and her hazel eyes rimmed with smudgy black kohl.

Lipstick. She was wearing fucking lipstick.

“Are you going out?” Ben blurted out, leaning heavily in her doorway, as his eyes ran up and down her body, his gaze becoming fixated on where the hemline of her coat met the long expanse of her bare, toned legs.

“No.” Her response was too quick, her expression taken aback. “No, I’m not.”

“You’re-” Ben pressed his lips together, swallowing as he reached out, his hands gripping the molding of her doorway. He needed something to hold onto, needed something real and tangible to cling to. The world had been spinning for hours now. 

“Are you sure? Because it looks like you’re-”

“I’m not.” Her voice was clipped, short and cold.

Ben couldn’t blame her. He would be pissed too, had she shown up drunk on his doorstep on a Friday night, after nothing but radio silence for three weeks.

He would be angry, annoyed, frustrated. But he would be hopeful too. 

It was that silver lining, that little sliver that Ben clung to. It was that small morsel of a possibility that caused him to appear on her doorstep. 

Even when he knew it was wrong. Even when he knew it still felt so right.

He just needed to see her. He needed to say it, needed to get the words off of his chest.

So he pressed on. Taking a step forward, Ben tried to ignore the hurt he felt as she stepped back. He tried to ignore the way the distance between them felt so wide, too wide, as if it was impossible to cross.

The impossible had been done before. Miracles happened. Destiny found its way.

He wandered into her place, began to pace back and forth in the living room. It was small, but cozy. Lived in, it felt lived in, with a half full water glass left on the end table, and a laundry basket, filled with unfolded clothes seated on one end of the couch.

The furniture was mismatched. Nothing went together and yet… and yet somehow it all fit.

Like them.

“I need to talk to you. I need- I have things to try and explain-”

Rey had shut the front door, had trailed after him, all while keeping space. “What’s more to be said, Ben? What could you possibly have to explain? I get it. I understand. This-” She motioned between them, gestured to the space between his body and hers that was beginning to dwindle, was beginning to close in.

They were magnets, drawn together no matter how hard they tried to stay apart.

His brow furrowed, frustrating swirling in his gut. The room was still spinning. Ben was trying to keep it together, was trying to prevent everything from spiraling out of control, even as it quickly became a losing battle. 

“I just need to tell you-”

The sound of her doorbell was heard. 

Both of their eyes darted towards the front door. Neither moved, neither said a word.

Then the buzzer went off again.

“If you need to get that,”

“No. It’s fine.” 

There was more silence, and then the knocking began.

“Rey? You in there?” The voice was distant and muffled, but clearly British and male.

_ She was on her way out, _ a voice in the back of his mind said.  _ She was ready to go on a date. She was getting ready to move on. _

It was a sobering realization. The world around him began to slow down, and no longer did Ben feel as if he was stuck on a carousel, spinning round and round.

Her mouth opened, she seemed to be ready to argue with Ben, or maybe she was going to come up with an excuse, an explanation. Not that anything was owed. Not that she was obligated on any level to explain her life to him.

“Rey?”

The knocking became more persistent just as Rey squeezed her eyes shut, like if she just pretended, if willed it, then it would go away.

Instead the doorbell rang again.

With a huff, she was turning on her heels. Ben heard the front door open, heard a muffled exchange between the two.

“My priest is here,” Ben heard her murmur. “He just- he needed to talk, and I just- I need to listen right now.”

Slowly, Ben moved to sit down on the edge of the couch. His stomach gave a lurch, and it took all of the will power left in his body to not vomit all over the upholstery. 

Leaning forward, he covered his face with the palms of his hands. Moments like these were usually when Ben tried to pray; tried to seek guidance from God, for some sort of clarity or direction on where to go or what to do.

He hadn’t spoken to God for weeks.

He hadn’t needed to do. He had had someone else to talk to, someone else to turn to.

Once again, he had had Rey.

“We’ve just been on a couple dates.” It was Rey’s turn to blurt out words, to throw them out into the opening to see what would stick. “It’s not- We’re not serious.”

Slowly Ben looked up, his back still hunched forward and his elbows resting on his knees. “You’re allowed to date, Rey.” His voice was surprisingly calm and gentle despite the hurricane that was swirling inside. “We’re not- There isn’t any- we’re not a we.”

Somehow it hurt Ben more to say it himself. To acknowledge the unspoken. 

They had never been on a date. They hadn’t slept together. He had never seen her naked, had never seen her lying in his bed, vulnerable and open and so exposed.

He was right. There was no ‘we’. There couldn’t be. There would never be.

“Priests can have sex.” Her arms were folded tight around her middle, that damn trench coat still on. “They do it all the time. I googled it. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“We can’t,” He stood slowly, shaking his head. “You know it could never be like that between us.” It could never be casual, could never be just something physical. She would never be an outlet for him.

It would always be something more.

“I’m supposed,” Ben took a step towards her, his fingers raking through his hair. “I’m supposed to love  _ one  _ thing.” He pointed up to the ceiling, to the sky and whatever might lie beyond. “One thing, Rey. And then-” Shaking his head, a sad smile spread across his lips, flashing his crooked teeth and exposing his fractured heart.

“And then you walked into my life and all of that changed. It wasn’t supposed to change, Rey.”

Because he had come to peace with his life. He had accepted the sacrifices that had been made, had mourned the things he would never have. A wife, children of his own. The family name would end with him. And not just the name, but the bloodline as well. 

Ben would be the last Solo and the last Organa.

He would be the last Skywalker.

He would never share another good kiss, one that caused the skin on the nape of his neck stand up and his toes to curl. He would never have sex; would never hear someone moaning his name as they clenched around his cock. He would never make another woman come, whether by his lips or his fingers or his dick.

Ben would never know love, true love. He would never meet someone and decide that he wanted to spend his life with them and visa versa.

Because Ben would now be devoted to God.

It had been a good plan, one not without its flaws but for the most part going well.

And then… and then, he met her.

Silence fell. Ben stood there, hands posed on his hips as once more he shook his head. “You know what’s ironic? You know what the real stinger is?” Lifting his head, his eyes met hers. “I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

His life would have been easier. It would have been simpler, plagued with less guilt and less questions about whether he was on the right path or not.

Even then, Ben would rather live constantly wondering ‘what if’, trying to mend a broken heart all while knowing he would never be the same, would never be over her, than to carry on in a life in which Rey wasn’t part of.

Even when that part hurt.

They were just staring at one another, brown eyes locked onto hazel ones. 

“We’re going to have sex.” It wasn’t a comment, but instead a statement. She was voicing the inevitable, her tone quiet and calm.

Slowly Ben found himself nodding, a small exhale slipping from his lips. “Yeah,” His steps were cautious, as if he was trying so hard to not disturb the shift in the room. “Yeah we’re going to have sex.”

If another painting fell down….

Except they weren’t in a church. And right now, as he became lost in her eyes, Ben wasn’t sure if he was in the presence of God.

Who needed religion when he could worship Rey? Could completely surrender himself to the altar that was her body and mind.

The distance shrank between them until nothing but a whisper remained. Ben allowed his eyes to rake over her body once more, taking in the dip of her neckline and the way her chest seemed to be rising and falling in rapid succession.

His fingers toyed with the waistband of her trenchcoat, and he gave a sudden tug, causing a sharp intake of her breath.

The room was once again silent, but instead of the mood feeling heavy, there was nothing but heat, but crackling electricity in the air.

With the belt undone, her coat began to fall open, revealing that she had nothing but a black bra and panties on underneath.

“I- I can-” Rey began to murmur, began to offer up excuses and explanations.

At first Ben thought of the man at her door, thought about her original plans for the night.

Then he pushed all of that aside. Because she had gotten rid of that man. Because he wasn’t the one standing in front of her now.

“Shh,” He raised a hand, his palm cupping her cheek as the pad of his thumb brushed over his lips. “I don’t care.” He wasn’t going to let anything; not some Brit or guilt or God himself get in the way of what was about to happen tonight.

They had been fighting against this for so long, had been trying to swim against the tide.

Maybe it was time to let go. Maybe it was time to just give in, to allow themselves to be swept away out to sea.

Maybe it was time to let fate take hold of the reigns, to see where things ended up.

Because it couldn’t hurt any more than being apart.

* * *

They moved around the living room, coat discarded and mouths moving feverishly against one another. It was a messy battle of teeth, flesh and tongues, clashing and biting, before trying to soothe away the sting. 

She tasted sweet, like strawberry chapstick mixed with the bitter mint of toothpaste. A combination that wasn’t supposed to work and yet, somehow it did. Her fingers were working at the belt around his waist, tugging and yanking it apart, before she moved onto the button and then his fly. 

For what felt like the first time in eternity, Ben wasn’t thinking about the guilt. He wasn’t trying to please anyone; not his parents or his uncle or his boss. Not even God. Instead, Ben was fueled by the touch of her skin and the taste of her lips. He was egged on by the way she said his name, slipped in between breathy exhales and moans.

Ben’s clothes soon disappeared, as Rey tried to guide them in the direction of her bedroom. His back hit the wall, her body pressed up against his, pinning his hard dick between their bellies. Ducking his head, Ben’s mouth latched onto her neck, sucking and nipping at the soft sensitive skin. The tip of his nose trailed down her skin, as he mapped out her flesh, from collarbone down to her breasts.

Fuck, her  _ tits _ .

The way they felt in the palm of his hands; the way she gasped when he rolled her nipple between his forefinger and thumb… Ben was almost certain he could live off of this alone. Who needed food? Who needed socialization? Religion? No, Ben could live a very happy life with nothing but Rey by his side.

By the time they reached the bedroom, both were dressed in nothing but the same single garment; their underwear.

That was about to change.

The back of his legs hit against the frame of her bed. Instantly he fell backwards, drawing Rey down with him, his hands gripping her waist. His long fingers curled around the waistband of her panties, sharply tugging them down over her thighs. He took them as far down as he could go, before Rey kicked them free of her body.

Soon his underwear was joining hers. Ben couldn’t touch her enough, couldn’t taste her enough. He trailed up and down her body, scattering her flesh with bite marks and bruises, as if he was staking his claim. 

And maybe he was.

Words weren’t exchanged, more than breathless urges to go faster or harder. They twisted and turned in the sheets, the air quickly becoming thick and musty with the scent of sweat and sex. He was hovering over her now, doing his best to take in every inch of her body.

Ducking his head down, Ben kissed her, the action slow and sensual. 

He refused to let this be a drunken mistake. This wasn’t all pent up emotions from years of celibacy. No. This meant something, something that words could not begin to describe. It was something greater than Ben, greater than Rey.

Something greater than God, even though the sound she made as he thrust into her hot, dripping core, was heavenly in itself. The whole action was real, the way their bodies moved in sync, becoming one.

* * *

The sunlight filtered in through the wide bedroom window. Instantly Rey squinted her eyes, throwing a hand up over her face to try and hide from the morning light.

That was weird. She almost always pulled the curtains shut at night.

It took a moment for the memories of last night to filter to the forefront of her mind. But the moment she rolled over and saw his bare back, it became very clear why the curtains were left open and where the dull, delicious ache between her legs came from.

Ben.

The grin spreading across Rey’s face couldn’t be detained even if she wanted to. She laid on her side, her head nestled in the palm of her hand, all propped up on an elbow as her eyes roamed over the wide, bare expanse of his back.

Almost hesitantly, she reached out, brushing the tips of her fingers lightly up his spine, mapping out the splattering of moles and freckles that had been sprinkled over his pale skin. He was warm and soft, and Rey found her mind becoming lost in watching the way his back rose and fell with every slow, steady, sleeping breath.

Ben.

Her touch became more adventurous as her hand travelled lower, down over the small of his back. The sheet was covering his lower half, the top part of his ass just barely visible. Biting her lip, Rey began to tug at the covers, slowly pulling them down to expose bit by bit of his muscular behind. 

“Rey,” Her name came from his lips like a warning, though his voice was still heavy with sleep. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Her grin widened, as a mischievous glint appeared in her eyes. “Exploring.” Came her nonchalant reply. Already she had ducked her head down to brush her lips against his shoulder blade. She began to leave a trail, following the same path her fingers had taken just moments prior.

“Rey,” The second warning was as half hearted as the first, his eyes barely open.

Neither made any attempt to check their phones or the time. For in this bubble, they were safe. Reality wasn’t a concept. Time didn’t matter. If only they could stay like this forever, limbs tangled and naked bodies pressed close.

Where they could enjoy one another’s company; could kiss and touch without worrying about the severity of their situation. Where they didn’t have to worry about feelings or trying to label what had happened or what it meant.

She wanted to cling to their fantasy just a little while longer, and much to her delight, it didn’t seem Ben was eager to rejoin the real world just yet.

“C’mere,” He murmured, rolling over onto his back, an arm looping around Rey’s waist, drawing her closer. She rested a hand on his chest, her fingers coming up to push the dark, long locks from his eyes.

Perched above him, Rey began to trace his face much like she had done his back. Her pointer finger swept across his forehead, down the alpinous bridge of his nose and over his cupid’s bow. She traced the outline of his wide, plush lips. Lips that she had kissed. Lips that had kissed her back; had trailed down her neck, had touched her breasts. A warm, tingling sensation began to grow in the pit of her stomach, as the image of Ben’s head between her legs came to the forefront of her mind.

Leaving this bed seemed like a terrible idea, one that was growing more and more unlikely with every passing moment.

  
  


* * *

“I should get going.” He was seated on the edge of her bed wearing nothing but his boxers and making an attempt to tug on his jeans. After spending nearly the entire day in bed, Ben knew they couldn’t hide out any longer. 

Eventually they had to face the music, needed to figure… this…  _ them _ out.

He could practically sense her pout, as she knelt on the bed behind him, wearing nothing more than a ratty old tee shirt that was three sizes too large and made Ben wonder if it belonged to an old boyfriend. 

She rested her chin on top of his shoulder, her face turned in towards his. “Don’t go. Stay. Just a little bit more.” He felt the edge of her teeth nibbling on his ear lobe, followed by the sweet sensation of her soothing tongue.

“Rey.” Another warning. It was feeble and half hearted, but it was still a warning. 

The sound of her sigh was loud in his ear. Her cheek was pressed against his, as she leaned into him more and more. “Fine.”

“I promise, I’ll be back.” Ben turned his head towards hers, pressing his lips to her cheek, the corner of her mouth and then her mouth. He just needed to get back home; needed to pick up groceries for his desolate fridge, needed to go back to work; to check on his email and finalize Sunday’s sermon…

Sunday’s sermon.

It was the beginning dose of cold, hard reality, like ice down your back in the middle of the dead of winter. 

Unnecessary but sometimes a part of life.

But Ben didn’t want to think about work right now. How could he? When his legs and arms ached; when he had touched her, had held her naked body against his own. When he had tasted her; had felt her come.

“Promise?” Rey nuzzled her face against the crook of his neck, and he began to feel his worries melt away. 

Because this was worth the stress. This was worth the crisis of love and faith. This was worth it all.

“Promise.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all comments/kudos are appreciated! ♥️
> 
> feel free to follow me on [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/shuhannon)


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....and i've upped the chapter account again. i'm not even sorry for it anymore. 
> 
> thanks once more to [bronwyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/here4thereylo/pseuds/here4thereylo) for beta-ing this chapter for me! once again your commentary has worked its way into the tags. ♥️

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/182242012@N03/49135265431/in/dateposted-public/)

* * *

Rey couldn’t imagine the last time she had felt, well…  _ giddy _ .

Even in secondary school, when you were supposed to be a giggling fool around your crush, Rey had been more preoccupied with survival instincts. It was hard to go all doll eyed over some thirteen year old boy that bathed in axe body spray when you weren’t sure where your next meal was coming from, or when.

But now? Now she had a pantry stocked with more than just Easy-Mac and ramen, not to mention a stable roof over her head and a steady income.

Now Rey could afford to be giddy.

It had barely been two days, and already she was itching to see him again.

There had been text messages, brief and sweet and full of discussions of his hot ass and the way her tits bounced. 

Rey had masturbated more in the last forty-eight hours than she had in the past month.

And now, now she was en route to Han and Leila’s rehearsal dinner and she had never been more excited for something in her life.

Was this what infatuation felt like? Was this the definition of attraction and anticipation?

No. Rey knew it was more. 

She had spent all day getting ready, showering and shaving every inch of skin. She put on perfume (okay maybe it was a body spray from H&M but still) and fussing with her hair, willing her locks into obedience. 

Her stomach was a swarm of knots and butterflies, much like the feeling of ascending on a rollercoaster, slowly making the way up the first big hill. Her nerves were mixed with excitement, leaving her feeling as if she both wanted to puke yet somehow never wanted to come down from the high.

It took all of her willpower to not sprint from the bus stop to Leia and Han’s doorstep. That, and the fact that she was wearing heels (she was in fucking  _ heels _ ). The last thing she needed was to show up with scraped knees from a bad fall. 

“Calm yourself,” Rey kept mumbling under her breath. “Relax. Pull it together.”

She could do this. She could get through this.

  
  
  


* * * 

The rehearsal dinner was in full swing, though it felt more like a dinner party than an excuse to practice for tomorrow.

“We’ve been married for over twenty years. What do we possibly need to rehearse?” 

She had already drank two glasses of Han’s precious Corellian whiskey, and had wiped out a whole tray of appetizers by herself. Rey was toeing the line between tipsy and drunk, and hadn’t yet been able to cross paths with Ben. 

In fact, she didn’t even know if he was here. Surely, he had to be. He was the priest, the person performing the entire wedding ceremony. 

Was he avoiding her? Was he trying to put distance between them? Was he already feeling guilt, regret?

Rey downed the rest of the amber colored liquid in her glass.

After standing and nodding, humming nonverbal responses for over an hour, she needed a break from the crowds and the too warm house. Slowly, Rey began to wander away from the party, down the hall and up the stairs. She had been over to Han and Leia’s house more times than she could count, sometimes for weekday dinners or an evening brunch. Sometimes to help Han with a project or to just watch movies with Leia.

She felt comfortable with them. They felt like family.

_ “Is this about Rey?” _

Sometimes Rey wondered if Han and Leia would approve if they knew of Rey’s true relationship with their son. She had a feeling that Leia, at the very least, had her suspicions. But what would they think if they knew the line had been crossed? What would they encourage their son to do? What would they encourage Rey to do?

And what would happen if the whole thing came tumbling down, completely crashed, burning everyone in the process?

Surely they would side with Ben. They would have to. He was their son, their flesh and blood and Rey knew they had had their disagreements in the past but at the end of the day… at the end of the day, Rey liked to think that Han and Leia were parents who had nothing but endless, eternal love for their son.

It was just a matter of if that unconditional support extended to their employee that they always said they cared for like a daughter.

Because it was hard to imagine people sticking around, sticking by you when your own parents didn’t.

An arm crossed over her chest and with her grip still tight on the glass tumbler, Rey began to walk down the upstairs hallway, her eyes fixated on the collage of family photos that hung on the wall.

There was Han and Leia on their first wedding day, on the steps of the courthouse both grinning from ear to ear. Then there was a picture of Leia in the hospital, a swaddled newborn in her arms, and Han leaning over them both, his lips pressed against the crown of his wife’s head. There were pictures of Ben too. The one of him in grade school, his too-big ears on full display, as he wore a dress shirt in tie.

Then there was the family picture of all three of them, Leia’s hair cut short to her shoulders, Han smirking at the camera and Ben’s hair slicked to the side.

“I was so mad at them, that day.”

Rey didn’t turn. She didn’t have to. The moment she heard that voice, she knew exactly who was there.

“How come?” Rey asked, sipping from the glass once more as Ben strolled forward, his hands thrust into the pockets of his dress pants. “Who knows.” He replied with a shrug of his shoulders. “I didn’t want to get my picture taken. I didn’t like how Leia did my hair. I refused to wear my suit.”

He slid in behind her, his hands moving to curl around her waist, drawing Rey up against his back.

Instantaneously she felt calmer, more collected, and her worries beginning to flow away.

“How old were you?” Rey continued on, doing her best to ignore the way Ben had ducked his head down and began to press his lips to the curve of her neck. Yet she yearned for more, as her head began to tilt away, exposing her neck and allowing him better access.

Access that Ben seemed eager to take advantage of.

“Hmm,” He murmured against her skin, nipping and lapping at the soft, sensitive pulse point. “Eleven? Twelve maybe?” His mouth moved against her, not daring to stray more than a millimeter or two away.

Rey began to melt into his touch, her body going loose and slack while she pressed her backside up against his front.

Already she could feel him growing hard. It sent a thrill down her spine.

She wanted to ask more questions, wanted to find out more about adolescent Ben, but instead her mind was becoming lost to his ministrations. Her eyelids fluttered for a moment before slipping shut as she enjoyed the way his nose skimmed along her skin, as Ben worked his way down her neck.

Slowly she began to grind into him, rotating her hips in a teasing motion, all while pressing her thighs tightly together, providing pressure where she needed it the most.

“We’re going to get caught.” Rey finally said, her voice light, breathless. “Anyone could come up the stairs.”

Ben answered with a grunt, as if annoyed that Rey’s rational reasoning was interrupting his work. Then he began to move back and away. Instantly Rey felt exposed, empty and cold as his warmth faded away. Her lips parted, a whine and complaint on the tip of her tongue and then…

And then he was grabbing her, tugging and pulling her into the nearest room, the  _ bathroom _ of all places.

Ben shut the door behind them.

“Ben, we could get caught. Someone could come looking for you,” Rey tried to reason again, though the attempt was half-hearted. Because he was looking at her like she was something he wanted to prey on, to devour. Like she was delicious enough to eat.

Rey pressed her legs together more as the feeling of want continued to grow in the very pit of her stomach.

“ _ Ben _ ,” His name had barely left her lips before his mouth was on hers. 

The dam broke. All sanity, all caution, all god damn reasoning got pushed aside.

She suddenly couldn’t get enough of him. Hands were everywhere; squeezing his ass, tugging at his shirt, his pants, tugging at his hair.

Somehow she got pushed up against the bathroom counter, before suddenly Ben was lifting her, placing her on the edge of the granite.

The top of her dress had been unbuttoned and shoved aside. And then Ben was moving, was working his way down her body, kissing her neck and her sternum, her breasts. Before Rey knew it, the hem of her dress was being lifted up, and he was kneeling on the floor, his head between her thighs.

“Ben,” except this time his name wasn’t a warning. No it was a want, an urge for him to keep going, to keep touching her.

He kissed her knees, he left a trail of hot, open mouth kisses along the inside of her thighs. And then he was touching her, was pressing the pad of his thumb onto her damp panties, providing just the smallest bit of pressure.

Her hips jerked forward in response. It was not enough. No, she needed more.

The grin he gave her was positively wicked, devilish in nature and intent.

All Rey could do was stare, her chest rising and falling in rapid succession, her entire body feeling hot and flushed.

Ben pushed her panties aside and once more pressed at the bundle of nerves between her legs.

Rey let out a strangled moan.

“So wet,” The sound of his deep, low voice murmuring commentary on how her body was reacting to  _ him _ , only caused her need to grow. She felt antsy, impatient for more. Ben, on the other hand seemed determined to take his time, despite the fact that a rehearsal dinner was going on downstairs, that his  _ parents _ were downstairs and that Ben was the officiant meant to be in charge of it all.

Her grip tightened on the edge of the counter top, the smooth, granite surface feeling cold against her flushed skin. Once again her hips jerked forward, trying to press into his touch.

Then, his fingers were slipping into her slit, one digit followed by the next, stretching and stroking her, causing the wetness to grow as he slid in and other of her at a slow, teasing pace.

“More,” She managed to gasp, her eyes once again slipping shut as Rey leaned her head back against the mirror. “Please-”

Instead of adding a third finger, Rey felt his tongue swirling at her clit, followed by his mouth sucking on her, all while his hand continued to pump, the speed increasing.

Rey felt herself thrust into his face.

She could feel her climax building, could feel her body chasing at that fleeting sensation of euphoria. One of her hands reached out, her fingers knotting around his hair before she gave a sharp tug.

“Ben-” His name faded away, becoming nothing more than a moan, one Rey tried to muffled by shoving her own hand into her mouth, her teeth biting down on the flesh, her brain not even registering the pain.

No, how could she think of anything more than the feeling of Ben’s fingers inside her? The feeling of his mouth on her clit?

He kept working, kept licking and tasting her, kept curling his fingers upwards in a beckoning motion, causing Rey to inch closer and closer towards the edge.

And finally she came, her entire body shuddering as her inner walls began to tighten, began to clamp around his fingers. Her thighs began to press too, successfully holding his entire head hostage between them as she began to slow descent.

A knock on the bathroom door brought them both back to a sudden, abrupt reality.

“Just a minute!” Ben barked out, his voice surprisingly even, calm.

Rey felt as if her heart was going to burst out of her chest, a rush of emotions running through her mind. She gaped at Ben, her eyes wide and her jaw dropped as she watched him drag the back of his hand over his lips, wiping her cum away.

Her cum.

He then began to stand, straightening his tie and smoothing down his dress shirt, all while palming at the tent in his pants. He was still hard. He was stiff as a rod and now he had to go downstairs, had to see his  _ parents _ .

And the bastard didn’t even look phased. 

Slowly, Rey pushed herself down, off of the countertop, catching sight of her reflection in the process. Her hair was mussed. She was pretty certain a hickey was beginning to form on her throat and her dress was wrinkled, completely rumpled where Ben had shoved it aside.

Her panties were fucking  _ soaked,  _ smelling like nothing but sex.

  
  


In fact, the entire bathroom reeked of it.

Finally, Rey found her voice. “What are we going to do?” She hissed, motioning between the two and the door. “There could be someone out there. There could be a line of people waiting-”

This was a mistake. They shouldn’t have pushed their luck. What if they were caught? What if someone found out? What if they found out before Ben and Rey even got a chance to talk, to try and work this out, to even define whatever  _ this _ was?

Rey needed more of that damn whiskey.

“It’s fine,” Ben murmured, his hand cupping her cheek before he went to work, smoothing back her hair. “It’s an en suite. There’s a bedroom attached. You can slip out that way, wait a few minutes and then come downstairs.”

“And you?” Already she felt her nerves beginning to melt at the sensation of his fingers in her hair.

“I’ll pretend I was taking a shit.”

She snorted out a short laugh, her arms moving to loop around his middle momentarily. “Okay. Okay.” Slowly Rey nodded her head. This would be fine. This could work.

Except her underwear was still soaking wet. To think she still had to sit through a dinner while wearing them. Unless… unless…

Resting a hand on his shoulder for balance, Rey bent down, tugging the drenched panties down along her thighs, over her calves and then off entirely. They were black, lacy. One of her fancier pairs. Ones that she only wore when there was a chance she was going to get laid.

So far, they hadn’t let her down.

Smirking, Rey moved to ball up the article of clothing, ignoring Ben’s furrowed brow and the way he opened his mouth, as if he had a question poised on the tip of his tongue.

Rey slipped the underwear into the inner pocket of his suit jacket.

“A memento,” Came her cheeky explanation, before she rose on tip toe in order to press her mouth to his. “Don’t forget to flush.” She jerked her head in the direction of the toilet, a reminder of the charade that Ben needed to play. And then she turned, quietly opening the door to the adjoined bedroom, and slipped inside.

A moment later she heard the toilet flush, followed by the sound of rushing water. Then the bathroom door was opening, and she could make out his mumbled words of apology to whoever had been waiting out in the hall.

Rey waited ten more minutes, hiding in the Solo’s dark guest room before she made her way downstairs.

* * *

Rehearsal went off without a hitch.

It had been like herding cats, of course, trying to get not only his parents to cooperate, but also all of their bull headed friends. It made Ben remember why he had stayed away for so long, why he had been hesitant at first to accept the position as officiant for their wedding.

It made him wonder why he had even insisted on the rehearsal, on why he kept pushing for it.

Then his eyes landed on her, and it suddenly became worth it.

Because he loved watching her smile. He loved the sound of her laugh and the way she could laugh at anything; his dad’s bad jokes, Uncle Chewy’s sarcastic comments. Even Dameron’s antics, which usually gave Ben the urge to stab something, seemed somehow less annoying when he was watching Rey roll her eyes, followed by a giggle and a grin.

They had been seated on opposite ends of the table, Rey on one side while Ben was on the other.

It was for the best, he kept telling himself. It was safer this way. Especially after the risk of the upstairs bathroom, after they had almost been caught by his mother’s old coworker with the purple hair. 

Except then Ben would remember her panties that were practically burning a hole into his jacket pocket. He kept swearing he could smell them, smell  _ her _ .

“You alright, honey?” Leia asked as Ben shifted in his seat once again. He flashed his mother a tight smile, ignoring the growing erection between his legs. Because this was not the right time. This could not be happening, not now with his mother beside him and Rey…

Rey, who he could still taste that salty, heady flavor that was entirely  _ her _ and still on the tip of his tongue.

_ Think about your parents. Think about Han and Leia. Think about uncle Chewy in his bathrobe. Think about Luke’s feet. Think about Lando dressed in those fucking extra capes. _

It worked. It at least got Ben through dinner. Thankfully those around him didn’t direct much conversation towards him. Occasionally Ben got the stray question about the ceremony, about his priesthood and how he liked being back in the area.

Ben answered everything short and precise. 

_ “The ceremony should be fine, just like the rehearsal was.”  _

_ “Priesthood is good, his parish has been very welcoming and very hands on.”  _

_ “The area hasn’t changed too much, and it feels good to be home.” _

And every moment he wasn’t being talked to, every moment he could spare a glance, he found his eyes drifting to Rey.

* * *

Everyone had pretty much left, drifting out bit by bit, person by person. Lando and Chewy were still in the family room, each with a glass of whiskey in hand as they swapped stories of the ‘good ol’ days’, telling a captivated Rey all about how they had gotten pulled over by the cops for speeding all while smuggling marijuana across county lines.

Ben stood in the kitchen, watching the trio through the open pocket doors, drying the fine china that his mother had insisted on breaking out for dinner that night.

“You’ve been drying that same plate for the last ten minutes.”

The sound of his father’s voice brought him out of his thoughts. Ben turned his head, not quite meeting Han’s eye before he looked down to the plate in his hand. “I just wanted to be thorough,” Ben answered with a small shrug, as he ran the towel over the platter once more for good measure. “I know how much this china means to Mom. With it being Grandma Padme’s and all.”

Han responded with a noncommittal grunt. Ben set the plate down, opting to pick up a serving bowl next.

“Chewy telling the smuggling pot story again?” His father eventually said as moved to pull out a kitchen chair.

“Lando’s telling it. Chewy’s just making sure he keeps the facts straight.” 

Ben looked over, watching as a smirk twitched at Han’s lips. “Yeah well, you know Uncle Lando. Always a flair for the flamboyance with that one.”

Ben gave a small nod of his head, as he turned, leaning against the counter.

The kitchen fell silent apart from the muffled voices of Lando and Chewy mixed with Rey’s laughter, which drifted in from the adjoined room.

When Ben spoke, he was surprised to find Han talking at the same time.

“That Rey’s a real nice girl-”

“How did you know mom was the ‘one’?”

Both Solo men stopped, their words overlapping and tangling together, causing them both to pause in order to process and work out what the other had said.

Slowly Ben set the dish and towel down, before he moved to palm at the back of his neck. He said nothing, instantly regretting saying anything, of reaching out.

For so many years, his relationship with his father had been strained. Now at least they could be in the same room without Leia needing to be present in order to play referee. But even now, it was a delicate balance. Ben didn’t go to Han with problems. He never had. His dad was a ‘sit down, grab a beer and let me tell you about the wild days of my younger years’ kind of guy. He was the type that held onto the past, rather than looked to the future.

Even when that future included his own son.

Now Ben just felt lost. He felt confused, felt like he was grasping at straws, unable to move back but not able to move forward either. Maybe he should just seek out his mom. Maybe he should confess everything to Leia.

Maybe this was why, along with hundreds of other fair, valid reasons, that he should have cut ties with Rey the moment they began to tip toe the line.

The silence in the room was suffocating. Ben was about to speak, about to tell his father to forget it as he made an excuse to leave.

Except Han spoke first.

“I didn’t.” His answer was simple, straight to the point. “Don’t get me wrong, I love your mother. I am in love with her, and that has never wavered or changed.” He watched Han shift in his seat, and for a moment the sound of the wooden chair creaking was the only noise in the room.

“I guess kid, it’s all about making a choice. I chose to be with her, to stick things out. Sure, shit’s gotten tough. I might have taken a job or two out of town when we both needed some space but...” Once more Han’s voice trailed off, as he offered a small shrug of his shoulders. “I always came back. We love each other, but sometimes love isn’t enough. You have to be committed to the choice, too.”

His words hung heavy in the air. Slowly, Ben gave a nod of his head, acknowledging his father’s answer. This was where Leia would have a follow up question, always the type to try and get a bit more information, to find out what this is all about.

Han, let things rest; let the dust settle and left it at that.

There was no follow up. At least not usually…

“Ben, if you’re having second thoughts-”

“I’m not.” Ben interrupted, the words tumbling out as if his mouth was on autopilot. 

Of course he was having second thoughts. He had, the moment he met her.

Slowly, Han gave a brief nod of his head before he moved to stand. “I better go find Leia. I think she and Amilyn snuck out back to smoke, as if they’re teenagers again instead of grown ass women.”

Now it was Ben’s turn to offer up the silent nod. He turned back towards the now empty dish rack and began to wonder what other task he could draw out, just so he didn’t have to leave yet, so he didn’t have to say goodbye…

“Hey Ben? Maybe you should talk to Luke.”

They were so close. Perhaps it hadn’t been the most eloquent, maybe it wouldn’t win an award for the most touching of father/son speeches. But it had been progress for them. It had been growth, growth which Ben now felt was slipping down the drain.

“No.”

“It’s just a thought-”

“ _ I said no _ .”

The conversation in the next room stopped mid laugh. Ben couldn’t even bring himself to look in the direction of the sitting room, couldn’t bring himself to look at her.

“If you’re having second thoughts about the clergy, Luke’s been there, he’s gone through it-”

“Stop-” Ben was moving now, his flight or fight instincts began to kick in. He did not want to talk about his uncle; the last thing Ben ever wanted was to discuss Luke.

Luke, who had taken him under his wing, who had been the one to begin his training.

Luke, who had said he would never be able to do it, never be able to stick with it, to commit.

_ “You have too much of my father in you. _ ”

“Ben-”

“Just drop it, okay?! Forget I said anything-” Ben hadn’t noticed the way his voice had risen, how it had grown in volume, attracting an audience. He could feel her eyes boring in the back of his head.

Han held up his hands, the position entirely in defense. “It’s dropped, it’s dropped.” He muttered before raking a hand through his hair. It was something Ben did, a habit, a tick that he couldn’t seem to shake even when all it did was remind him of how like his father he really was.

“What’s going on?” Leia and Amilyn had come in from outside, both reeking of cigarettes. The family matriarch looked from her husband to her son, her brow furrowed as she tried to piece together the scene before her.

Han opened his mouth but Ben beat him to it. “Nothing. I need to get going. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He flashed his father a glare, a warning, a plea for him to keep his mouth shut. 

It took all of his willpower to not look at her, to not spare her even a glance as he grabbed his coat and made his way towards the front door.

“Ben, wait-” He froze midstep, before he realized it was his mother speaking. He opted to continue forward, to ignore Leia calling after him as he left through the front door.

* * *

Usually Ben called a cab or an uber, enjoying the silence of being the only passenger opposed to the gamble of public transportation.

Tonight, Ben found himself sitting on a bench at the bus stop around the corner from his childhood home.

“Hey,” He didn’t have to look up, didn’t even have to lift his head. He already knew it was going to be her.

“I don’t-” Ben began to say, the words coming out much harsher than he intended. So he stopped, pressing his lips together before he tried again. “I don’t want to talk about it. Not right now.”

He felt the warmth of her body as she sat beside him, their shoulders barely brushing, the distance close enough that her legs were pressed against his without it being entirely obvious. He braced himself for her to push; to ask what had happened and why he had brushed his mother to the side, why he had stored out.

“Okay.”

Ben lifted his head, looking at her with slightly parted lips. “Okay,” Rey repeated again, tucking a hair behind her ear. “Do you just-” She began to chew on her lip, her teeth toying with the soft flesh. 

Ben wanted to touch her; wanted to kiss her, to taste her, to finish what they had begun in the bathroom at his parents’ house.

He felt his willpower waver. He had to curl his fingers inward, had to practically sit on his hands to prevent himself from reaching out to caress her cheek, to brush his thumb over her bottom lip.

“Doyouwanttogobacktomyplace?” The words tumbled out of her mouth, and Ben blinked once or twice, as he tried to separate each word from each other.

She looked… nervous, hesitant almost. Funny, the shift in their relationship. Hours prior Ben had his mouth on her, his fingers seated deep into her cunt and now they sat on a bench, uncertain if it was alright to move forward.

“Yeah.” Ben nodded his head. “That sounds good.”

He didn’t know what the future would bring. He didn’t know what path he would choose, what  _ they _ choose, but right now, Ben had never felt more certain about a choice in his entire life.

* * *

Rey didn’t dare take his hand into hers until they were headed up the front steps to her flat. It was only under the cover of darkness that she finally slid her palm along his, their fingers becoming entwined.

Even once they were inside, she didn’t let go. Instead she continued to lead him, to gently guide him through her living room and down the hall. Ben remained silent as the pair walked into the bathroom. He continued to say nothing as Rey went to work, turning on the faucet in the shower. It was only once the water was coming out steadily warm and steamy did she turn towards Ben.

He just stood there, silent, watching Rey. He was completely transfixed, his brown eyes watching as her hands slid along his shoulders, pushing his jacket to the ground. Then Rey moved to the front of his shirt, her fingers making swift work of each and every button. Soon enough his shirt and tie were joining the growing pile of garments on the tiled floor.

Rey jutted out her bottom lip slightly, her front teeth lightly digging into the soft flesh. She had a look of pure concentration as she moved to his pants next. Before long his belt had been undone, along with his zipper and fly.

Only once Ben’s boxers joined the rest of his clothes on the floor, did Rey turn to her own wardrobe. She could feel Ben’s gaze, could feel his hot, penetrative stare watching her every move as she tugged off her dress, her panties and finally, her bra.

Then she took his hand once more and led him into the shower.

“Water okay?” She asked softly, enjoying the way the hot streak of water felt on the skin of her exposed back. She looked up at Ben, the corners of her mouth twitching at the sight of him, his dark hair soaking wet and sticking to his forehead, his face. She rose up on the balls of her feet, reaching to smooth back the damp hair.

“Feels good,” Ben murmured back, his eyes briefly shutting as Rey’s hand brushed against his cheek. He turned into her touch, brushing his lips to the palm of her hand.

Already it felt as if his tension was melting away.

Rey went to work, lathering up his back, his chest, his stomach. Her fingers dipped lower, her touch light and teasing as she followed the trail of dark, coarse hair, barely touching him before she was on the move again, finding a new stretch of beautifully pale skin to wash.

It felt good to take care of someone, Rey realized. She never really had that before, never had someone else that depended on her or visa versa. 

There had always been friends; Finn and Poe and Rose. But they also had their own lives, their own pasts, their own histories. As much as they were a makeshift family, it wasn’t the same. It had never felt like  _ this _ .

It caused a pang in her chest, one that both hurt and felt so light, so full of hope. Because Rey had been searching for this, for someone to share her life with for so long. And now that she finally had it, now that she finally felt it, the last thing Rey wanted to do was let it go.

How could she ever let this go?

She stepped closer, the water still feeling pleasant and warm on her skin as the bathroom around them swirled with hot steam. Her hair was damp, stray hairs sticking to her cheeks, her neck, the tops of her shoulder blades, as she tilted her head to look at him.

He was still studying her, still staring right back with those heavily lidded eyes. His face was relaxed, neutral and soft despite the hard ridge of his nose and the way his lips were pressed into a tight line.

Rey wanted to stay in this moment forever. She didn’t want to move forward or look back. Why leave something that felt so perfect, so right? Was life truly worth living if the entire time you were trying to chase a moment like this?

She parted her lips, wanting to say something but finding her tongue was struck entirely dumb. What could she possibly say? What was there even to say? 

Instead, Ben ducked his head down, pressing his mouth to hers. It seemed it was true, actions did speak louder than words.

The kiss was soft, without any of the usual urgency, the sensation that they had to race to the finish line. They had nothing but time, now. Neither had anywhere to go or to be. 

They had nothing but each other.

Slowly, Rey moved her mouth against his as Ben’s hand came up, his fingers getting tangled in her wet hair as he cupped the back of her head. She stepped forward, her body pressed flush against his. She was beginning to feel deliciously delirious, between the hot water and the clean, fresh smell of the soap all mixing with the close proximity of Ben. It was entirely captivating, intoxicating, and Rey found she could not get enough.

They continued to kiss, taking their time to explore one another with their hands, with their mouths. Their bodies meshed together in perfect synchronization. She didn’t flinch when he touched her soft spots, didn’t care that she had broken out with a zit on her chin. He made her feel accepted, made her feel precious and important. His hands moved over her body, healing every scar and every bruise. 

Slowly Ben had managed to chip away at layers upon layers of walls. 

In return, Rey had smoothed out his rough edges. She couldn’t erase the scars. She couldn’t change the past, couldn’t alter his history.

Instead she did something better. She accepted him, faults and all.

As they continued to get lost in one another, as they continued to touch and kiss, as he slipped inside of her bringing their bodies together as one, all Rey could think of was how content she felt. How she felt whole again.

  
_ And this _ , Rey thought.  _ This must be love. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all comments/kudos are appreciated! ♥️
> 
> feel free to follow me on [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/shuhannon)


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You look nice.” She felt her face flush at the compliment, feeling like she was suddenly transported back into secondary school, going with a boy to the winter dance. 
> 
> “You do too.” Rey echoed the sentiment back.
> 
> Silence fell between the two. Ben was shuffling the notecards in his hand back and forth.
> 
> Was this supposed to be awkward? Was this supposed to be weird? Things suddenly now felt so… so formal.
> 
> And then the stiffness in the air was giving away to something softer, intimate. Something more.
> 
> * * *
> 
> leia and han are wed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a quick heads up! though there aren't any TROS spoilers, there are a few nods to scenes from the movie. i do briefly discuss TROS in the author's note at the end, so if you're still trying to avoid spoilers, proceed at your own caution!
> 
> thanks again to my lovely [bronwyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/here4thereylo/pseuds/here4thereylo) for beta-ing. even when she's swamped with real life and i keep sending her 30 pages of mess to beta for me, she's always so loving, encouraging and simply the best. she gives me the feedback that i need to hear, even when i'm breaking her heart along the way! XD this story wouldn't of been anything without you. ♥️

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/182242012@N03/49335687601/in/dateposted-public/)

Ben had risen with the sun the next morning, awake at the crack of dawn while Rey had still been trying to cling to both his body and her sleep.

“I’ll see you later,” He had murmured, pressing his lips to the crown of her head. She had responded with a stream of mumbled nonsense, her hands reaching out, seeking the warmth he had left behind when he vacated her bed.

He had left behind a note taped to the fridge, his handwriting beautiful even when the words were jotted down in haste.

_ Needed to go back to my place to pick up my clothes and change.  _

_ See you after the wedding, _

_ Ben. _

There had been no declaration of love, no promises. But Rey knew it was there. She could feel it, could see it written between the words in the lines and spaces. 

The day of Han and Leia’s wedding was beautiful. The sky was bright and clear, with wisps of clouds swirling over head. It was a picture perfect spring day; warm with a good, cooling breeze. 

And Rey, Rey felt as if she was walking on cloud nine as she once more made her way down the sidewalk to Han and Leia’s. She once again felt giddy, a bundle of excited nerves like a child on the night before Christmas. 

Mere hours had barely passed since she had last seen Ben, but she didn’t care. Once more she was eager, ready to be near him, to touch him and taste him.

_ This must be love. _

Once again, the house was nothing but a flurry of motion. Caterers were bustling around, while guests filtered out into the back garden. Rey followed the crowd, accepting a glass of something pale and bubbly on her way out back. 

She stopped at the top of the stairs of the back patio, taking in the sight before her. The yard had been transformed. Paper lanterns had been hung from the trees, and fairy lights were strung overhead, zig zagging back and forth between the highest branches of the trees.

White chairs had been set up into two groupings, an aisle formed between them that led to an archway at the very end. Flowers were everywhere, either blooming from the bushes that surrounded the perimeter of the garden or planted into pots that had been strategically placed throughout the yard. 

Then there were the long tables, each place set with vintage china (“ _ My mother’s,” Leia told her at the rehearsal dinner last night with a twinkle in her eye. “A family heirloom _ .”) and centerpieces of greens mixed with brass candlesticks.

Everything was as pretty as a picture. It was subtle, yet exquisitely done. Nothing screamed prim or proper. Nothing was over the top or too much.

It was perfect for Leia and Han.

“Peanut!” 

She turned on her heel, flashing her best friend a smile that didn’t quite meet her eyes. “Hey, Finn.” He began to talk, but already Rey’s mind was elsewhere, scanning through the throngs of people, guests mixed with caterers, none of who seemed to have broad shoulders and a mop of dark hair. 

“Hello? Hello? Earth to Rey?” A dark hand waved in front of her face, snapping Rey out of her preoccupied thoughts. 

“What?” She blinked once, then twice. “Sorry Finn, I just-” Raising a hand, Rey gave a small, nonchalant wave as she allowed her voice to trail off. Someone else entered the garden through the backdoor, and Rey began to crane her neck, trying to get a better look. It was someone tall and dressed in black… and it was just Chewy carrying a large case of beer.

Rey tried to not look disappointed.

“Rey,” Finn was snapping his fingers at her, his brow furrowed in confusion and worry. “Rey? Are you listening? I was saying that the priest is looking for you-”

“What?” Her head snapped in her best friend’s direction as her stomach gave a sharp jolt. “Whose looking for me?”

“The priest. You know, Ben? Han and Leia’s son. It’s something about needing help with a speech tomorrow. He was up in the house-”

Already Rey was moving, thrusting her glass into Finn’s chest and hoping he grabbed a hold of it, because she wasn’t waiting around to see. She made a beeline back towards the house, bypassing all of Han and Leia’s friends and coworkers, hoping that no one would try to stop her for a chat. 

She looked in every room on the first floor, poking her head into the dining room, the family room, the kitchen.

No sign. 

The activity was growing more fevered as the ceremony drew closer and closer. Finally she was shooed out the front door of all places, told by the head chef with the mouth of a sailor that she needed to get out of his way.

“I’m not going back in there,” Rey muttered under her breath. Instead she followed the cobblestone pathway that led down along the side of the house and around back. She had just rounded the corner when she saw him.

His back was to her, and he was dressed entirely in black. For a moment she allowed herself to look, to entirely appreciate the broad plane of his shoulders, the way his body tapered down to his tips, the curve of his ass.

“Where’s your pretty outfit?” Rey called out, a teasing smirk on her face as she continued to approach him. 

“Jesus,  _ fuck _ !” Ben startled, jumping as he spun around to face her, a neat stack of notecards in his hand. “Rey you- Fuck, I didn’t hear you coming-”

She grinned, feeling a rush of warmth and affection running through her body. 

He looked at her right back, his gaze feeling as if it was going straight into her soul.

“You look nice.” She felt her face flush at the compliment, feeling like she was suddenly transported back into secondary school, going with a boy to the winter dance. 

“You do too.” Rey echoed the sentiment back.

Silence fell between the two. Ben was shuffling the notecards in his hand back and forth.

Was this supposed to be awkward? Was this supposed to be weird? Things suddenly now felt so… so  _ formal _ .

And then the stiffness in the air was giving away to something softer, intimate. Something more.

The cards were dropped from his fidgeting hands. The white rectangle shaped papers went in all directions, some simply falling to the gravel beneath their feet while others were carried in the gentle breeze.

His mouth was on hers, hungry, excited, wanting more, more, more. She felt her back hit something hard, and it took Rey a moment to realize it was the side of the house.

They could be spotted. They could be seen. One kiss could unravel it all, could switch the focus of the day from Han and Leia to them.

It was a selfish act, one born out of instinct and want.

Rey found that she did not care.

She returned the kiss, matching his fevered movements with ones of her own. She reveled in the taste of him on her tongue, found a shiver traveling down her spine as she felt his teeth scrape against the flesh of her lip.

His body was pressing into her, crowding her, as her back was pressed more and more into the wall. Rey found she didn’t care. She could ignore the dull ache, the scratch of coarse bricks against the back of her legs. Somehow, Rey thought that the house could burst into flames, that war could break out, that the apocalypse itself would rain down on them and Rey wouldn’t bat an eye.

All because of the taste of Ben Solo, the feeling of his lips moving, clashing against her own, and how she felt so very alive merely by the presence of his body flush against hers.

“I don’t,” She heard him murmur as he pulled back, chest rapidly rising and falling as he tried to breath in more air. “I don’t know what this- what this feeling is.”

Ben stayed hovering over her, neither one of them daring nor wanting to add to the space between them.

He had a hand on the wall beside her head, bracing himself. His other hand was on her waist, his palm pressing into the thin fabric of her dress, his fingers splayed out, nearly covering her entire side.

“Is it God or is it me?” The words were meant to be teasing, another joke, another good natured debate about beliefs and what helped to make the universe go around.

Yet for a moment, Rey instantly regretted the words. Instantly she began to feel doubt creeping into the corners of her mind.

_ Let it be me. Let it be me. Let it be me _ .

Instead Ben gave nothing more than a shake of his head, his dark hair falling forward into his eyes. It was nothing more than a reflex, an instinct that caused Rey to reach up, gently to brush away the dark locks.

He was studying her face, those dark brown, bitter coffee eyes taking in every line, every curve, every freckle.

As if he was searching for something, as if he was trying to find the missing piece to a puzzle.

“I don’t know.” He finally admitted, and Rey wasn’t sure if she felt regret or relief. Perhaps it was nothing more but a mix of both.

Once more they were stuck in limbo, unable to move forward but also incapable of stepping back. 

At least this limbo had kissing.

He leaned forward again, just the tip of his nose lightly brushing against her cheek. She felt her breath hitch, the air suddenly becoming frozen in her lungs. The rest of the world began to fade away once more, the chatter of the wedding guests in the back garden become distant, white noise, carried away by the wind.

All that existed was him and her. All that mattered was their hearts beating within their chests, the blood that flowed through their veins. 

All that mattered was that they were now one.

Rey was rendered completely frozen as she felt his breath curling against her skin, as his nose continued to trace along her flesh. She wanted to move forward, wanted to grab him, to taste him, to feel every inch of his body underneath the tips of her fingers.

“I need to go.” In his defense, it seemed to pain him to say the words, yet he made no movement to pull away.

“Mmm,” Rey made a noncommittal noise, as she willed her body to move, to do something, anything. Her hands caught his hips, and now it was her turn to touch, to explore to tease. “Hard to give a sermon with a hard on, huh?”

The corners of his mouth twitched into something caught between a grimace and a grin. “You have no idea.”

She pressed her lips to his once more, nipping at the soft flesh of his bottom lip with her teeth. Her tongue stroked against his, giving herself one final taste before her hands were on his chest, giving him a light shove away. “Find me.” Rey told him, her hand swiping across the back of her lips, as if that would suddenly erase their freshly kissed appearance. Her hands dropped, straightening the hem of her dress before her eyes moved to him.

Ben looked worse. Hair mussed, her lipstick smeared all over his swollen lips, and sure enough, the front of his trousers looked tented and tight. 

It took everything in her power to not step forward; to not comb his hair down with her fingers, to not try and take care of the hard dick in his pants.

If she got started, Rey wasn’t certain that she would be able to stop, wedding be damned. 

“You might want to find a bathroom, or at the very least a mirror.” Rey advised, a devilish grin spreading across her lips. She moved to walk by him, her arm barely brushing against his. “Find me,” Rey reminded him once again. And then she was gone, walking away from him, the gravel of the pathway crunching beneath her heels.

It took every ounce of strength, of self control to not turn around. But this time, Rey didn’t feel as if she was walking away from something. No, for the first time she felt as if she was headed towards something instead. 

_ * * * _

Ben made a beeline for the house. It was nearly empty, except for the caterers who were bustling in and out of the kitchen, making sure that the food would be ready for when the ceremony ended. 

The ceremony, which Ben was supposed to be preparing for. Which Ben was conducting. He was supposed to be preaching about love and commitment and God, when all he could think about was her; the way her skin tasted, the way her hair smelled, the way her hands looked curled around his cock…

Ben took the stairs two at a time. He raced into the bathroom, headed straight to the sink and began to splash cold water on his face. It did very little to douse the flames that burned in the very pit of his stomach, the warmth that spread out from the top of his head to the tips of his toes.

He could take an icy cold shower and it would do absolutely nothing to quench the burning that flooded his entire body.

_ Is it me or is it God? _ She had asked. 

Ben leaned over, his hands palm side down on the cool marble counter that surrounded the sink. Looking into the mirror, Ben was not sure that he recognized the man that stared back.

_ Is it me or is it God? _

Her voice rang in his ears, loud, abrupt and yet somehow also soft, soothing, a comfort. 

A contradiction.

He cupped his hands together beneath the running faucet, before splashing more cold water onto his face. He needed time, he needed space, he needed clarity.

He needed her.

Reaching for a hand towel, Ben began to dry his skin; his hands, his face. Voices were flooding his mind, his parents, his past teachers, his fellow priests. 

_ Choose, choose, choose _ . They all seemed to say.  _ Pick, pick, pick. _

“Ben?” He hadn’t heard the knocking. He hadn’t heard the bathroom door slip open, and he had been in such a rush that he hadn’t bothered to lock it behind him.

Han Solo stood in the doorway now, dressed in a suit without any tie.

“Ben-” He watched as his father stepped towards him, watched as his father’s features began to morph from something quizzical and confused into something softer, something else.

“Dad-” He blurted out the name, and despite the time that had passed since it last crossed his lips, it did not feel dusty or awkward. No, it was suddenly the only thing that could be said. For perhaps the first time in such a long time, Ben knew that his father understood; understood  _ him _ , understood what he was feeling, what he was trying to say.

There were no other words to be said because there were no other words that were needed.

“I know.” The older man stood before him now, and for a fraction of a second, Ben allowed himself to close his eyes as he felt Han’s palm brush against his cheek. He allowed himself to feel the warmth and familiarity, to feel love as it flowed from father to son.

“I know.”

* * *

Taking her own advice, Rey slipped into the downstairs powder room. Part of her was afraid that she would cross paths with Ben again, so soon after they had last departed. Part of her was afraid that they would be seen together, both with swollen lips and wrinkled clothing.

_ Let them see us _ , a more selfish voice inside of Rey’s brain thought. _ Let them put two and two together. _ But that was nothing but a recipe for disaster, was nothing more than a call for the dramatics. After all, was revealing their relationship worth it when the hand had been forced? Was it actually Ben’s choice,  _ their  _ choice if they were just caught in the act?

Once in the bathroom, Rey pushed all thoughts aside and went to work on the project at hand. She fixed her hair the best she could, smoothing down her hair with her fingers, washing away her smudged lipstick before she reapplied a fresh coat. Only when she felt as if she could walk away without a target on her back did Rey leave the bathroom. She was being paranoid, reading more into her appearance than she should.

But for once things were going right with Ben. The last thing she wanted was for the rug to be pulled out from underneath them, for the rest of the world to find things out before they were ready.

The ceremony was about to start. The muffled sound of music could be heard from the back garden. Rey followed that sound, hoping that she wasn’t too late to take her seat before the processional began.

Her hand was on the handle of the backdoor. She began to turn it.

“Rey?”

She turned, her heartbeat jumping into her throat as she saw Leia standing there, radiating all things strong and beautiful, dressed in a cream colored suit. 

“Leia.” Rey didn’t know why she felt nervous as if she had been caught red handed, with her tongue down Ben’s throat and her hand down his pants. “You look beautiful.”

“As do you, dear.” The older woman countered back with a soft smile. And then she was standing there, arms spread open wide.

Rey stepped into the embrace without a moment of hesitation or thought. She curled her arms around the older woman, her chin resting upon Leia’s shoulder, as she allowed herself to close her eyes and play pretend.

_ This could be you one day. _ That selfish voice was back, was filling her mind with nothing but far off fantasies, sweet dreams that would never amount to anything more. This could be you, dressed in white, waiting for a man at the end of the garden.

There was so much Rey wanted to say. There were so many words that were bursting to get out. But they remained silent, remained muted and lodged into her throat.

Rey tightened the embrace, giving the older woman another tight squeeze before the two women began to pull away, began to part.

“Go find your seat.” Leia murmured, pressing her lips to Rey’s cheek, the touch faint yet radiated love, comfort, familiarity. 

It felt like family.

All Rey could do was nodoffer a smile and give Leia’s hand a brief squeeze. Then she was turning, was making her way back down the garden steps and into the empty seat beside Poe and Finn.

“Where were you?” Finn mumbled, as the music changed, increasing in volume. 

“Bathroom.” It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t entirely the truth either, but everything these days seemed muddled in an area of gray. 

Everyone’s head began to turn as Han walked down the makeshift aisle. He was smirking, that gruff, trademark grin of his. His eyes looked bright as he took his place beneath the flower adorned archway, Chewie already by his side.

The music changed. Everyone stood as Leia appeared, her arm looped through Ben’s.

Rey couldn’t meet his eye. She couldn’t look at him for too long, afraid that the flush of her cheeks would betray her, that she would suddenly have no control over her body or mind, that she would run to him. 

But the glances she got. The little bits and images that she stole…god, he was beautiful.

She watched as he kissed his mother’s cheek and placed her hand into his fathers. For a moment all three of them stood there, their fingers entwined, their palms resting against one another. A unit. A family. Together.

The moment was over before it even began. Ben took his place directly beneath the arch, a worn, leather bound Bible in his hands.

He cleared his throat, his eyes glancing over the crowd, a tight, thin smile spreading across his lips.

A hush fell over the guests. Every eye was trained upon him, every ear was eager to hear what the prodigal son had to say.

“It’s not every day that a child gets to marry their parents.” Ben began, his deep baritone rumbling through the garden. “Typically the wedding happens before children, or at the very least before their children are old enough to be ordained.”

A quiet chuckle was heard from the crowd.

Rey shifted in her seat, her skin tingling, her entire body feeling charged and on edge.

This was the power he had over her. This was the thrill that radiated through her entire body, just by the sound of his voice.

“Then again, my parents were never the type to follow tradition. They’ve always forged their own path, always made decisions on their own terms. Usually that put them at odds with others; their families, their friends, myself.”

“And of course each other.”

Rey watched Han and Leia exchange knowing glances, their hands still entwined.

Ben shifted his weight, his gaze dropping to the book in his hands. “Growing up with two strong willed, stubborn parents gave me a different perspective on many things, especially love and relationships. And now that I’m older, now that I’ve seen the world and had my own fair share of experiences, I’ve come to realize one thing about love.”

There was a momentary pause.

“It’s awful.”

Rey snorted. A murmur moved through the crowd, some of it uncertainty, some of it laughter, the majority a mixture of both.

“Love is awful. It really is. It’s painful, frightening. Name one other thing in the world that causes you to doubt yourself, judge yourself, put distance between yourself and the other people in your life. It completely transforms you. It chews you up and spits out a version of yourself that would say and do things that you would never do.”

He paused again, the silence thick throughout the garden. Everyone was hanging on his every word, every eye glued to his face.

Rey included.

“It’s all we ever want. We want it from our parents, our family, our friends. We want it from strangers that we meet. Sometimes we want it from our enemies, from the people we least expected.”

His gaze met hers. Rey felt her heart stop, felt the air go still in her lungs.

“And it’s hell, when we get there. No wonder it’s something that we don’t want to do on our own.”

All she wanted was to look away. All she wanted was to tear her eyes away from his.

She was under his spell. She was completely captivated, unable to move, to breathe.

“I was taught from a young age, through the words and actions of those around me that it’s not just a matter of finding love. No, you have to choose the right place to put it.”

Finally he looked away, his eyes settling on someone else in the crowd.

Rey wasn’t sure if she felt relief or regret. Suddenly, without his gaze she felt cold. She felt empty and hollow, as if he were the sun and she had been left behind in the shadows.

“People talk about making sure that love feels right, that if it  _ is  _ right then it should be easy. But I’m not sure that’s true. Nothing about my parents’ relationship has been easy. Some of that was because of me, and what I couldn’t see was right in front of my face.”

“It takes strength to know what is right. It’s not something that the weak are capable of. No, you have to be strong, you have to be willing to fight for love. To hold onto it, to never let go.”

“Because when you find love,” she watched with bated breath as his eyes moved over the crowd. She watched his gaze flit from his parents, to his uncles, before once more landing on her.

“When you find it, when you find someone that you love, it feels like hope.”

* * *

She was standing with his parents. With Dameron and her best friend that she called peanut, though Ben was pretty certain his name was Finn.

She looked happy, looked comfortable and at ease. Her hair was beginning to come undone. Tendrils framed her face, beginning to curl inwards and she kept brushing them back, tucking the same strands behind her ear over and over and over again.

Ben felt mesmerized by the sight; he was hypnotized, entirely under her spell.

He took another sip of his drink.

“You did a good job,” His father had clapped him on the back once the ceremony was over, after all the hands had been shook, all the photos taken. “I really- I’m proud of you, Ben.”

He didn’t bring up what had happened in the bathroom. Ben didn’t bring it up either. He didn’t want to discuss, didn’t know if he could right now.

_ I know what I have to do, I just don’t know if I have the strength to do it. _

His mother had kissed his cheek, had pulled him down for a warm embrace. “We love you.” She had whispered in his ear, before she was then gone, getting pulled away to greet the Ackbars. 

At this point, Ben was a pro at lingering on the outskirts of a party. He had years of experience under his belt. His tall frame and wide stature helped. No one wanted to bother the guy with the shoulders of a linebacker and thighs as thick as trees. His natural personality didn’t scream ‘approach me, make small talk with me,’ despite the white collar he wore around his neck.

He tugged at it now, the collar, gently pulling at the stiff plastic. It was beginning to feel tight, beginning to feel like a pressing reminder rather than another accessory that he wore to work. 

_ Is it me or is it God? _

Ben was avoiding her. They had been reckless earlier. Anyone could have seen them. His parents, his uncle, her friends…

He couldn’t count on his self control anymore. He had a taste of her, and now all Ben wanted was more, more,  _ more _ .

And so easy it would be. He would simply have to catch her eye. All it would take would be a single look. They could meet around the block, could catch a taxi back to her place or his.

Being with her was easy. So terribly easy. It was all the outside factors, everything else that dictated Ben’s life that made things complicated.

Much like the pull of a magnet, Ben soon found his feet leading him to her. He stood, listening to her laugh, watching as she tilted her head back before she jabbed Dameron with her elbow. Her face was flushed, her eyes bright. 

He could be so happy with her, Ben truly could. He could picture it now, how easily they could slip into a comfortable routine. She was someone that Ben had only known a few months and yet it felt like it had been years, had been an entire lifetime. 

“You saying your goodbyes, Solo?” Dameron called, cocking a quizzical brow.

Ben offered a tight smile in reply, a brief nod.

“Are you taking the bus?” Her voice was smooth and calm.

“Yeah.”

“You don’t have to go, sweetheart.” His mother was saying now, her hand reaching out to grasp his. “You could have spent the night. Your old room’s still open.”

“No,” Ben insisted. “It’s fine. I’ve got to get up early tomorrow. Work.”

Leia gave a small nod and squeezed his hand once more. It was hard to remember that he had been once smaller than her, that her hand used to be able to completely cover his own. 

“Thanks for everything, Ben.” His father was reaching for him now, looping an arm and clapping him on the back. “You’re doing good, Ben. You’re doing good.”

A year ago the praise would have felt empty. It would have been too little too late. But now Ben understood. Now Ben had seen where he had given up too quickly, had been too hasty to judge. He knew his parents had their flaws, knew that their actions hadn’t been perfect either.

But just like Ben, they were trying. Just like Ben, they were doing the best they could.

Poe and Finn bade their goodbyes. Rey did too, offering a small smile, a spark in her eye that Ben knew was meant only for him.

He turned away and began to make his way through the people mingling throughout the garden. He grabbed his coat, swung his bag over his shoulder and off to the bus stop he went.

Ben knew what he had to do.

He also knew that he had the strength to do it.

* * *

“Hey.” Rey smiled as she approached the bus stop. She had wanted to ask specifics, to make sure that they were meeting at the right place. Then again there was only one bus that went all the way out to where Ben lived. It happened to be the only bus that went by Rey’s place as well.

“Hey.” Ben echoed the greeting back. For a moment nothing else was said. He was seated on the bench, legs slightly spread apart, his hair messed. He had been raking his fingers through it, had been pushing the locks back, away from his face over and over again.

The tips of Rey’s fingers itched to touch him.

She settled for just sitting beside him, their arms barely brushing. The evening was beginning to grow cold. Rey hadn’t bothered to grab a coat, hadn’t factored in the weather when she had gotten dressed. But Rey found she suddenly didn’t mind. She had Ben, had his body beside her, that was radiating heat and warmth.

“It was a beautiful wedding,” She murmured, her gaze not leaving his face. “You did a great job. Han and Leia- they were really proud of you. They couldn’t stop gushing.”

The smile he returned was genuine and kind. “It hasn’t been easy, me and them.” Ben cleared his throat as he leaned forward, his forearms resting on his thighs, hands loosely clasped together. “For a long time, I thought it was over. I felt like they were dead to me, and I was dead to them.”

“But they never gave up,” Rey murmured.

“No,” Ben nodded in agreement, his body shifting as he moved to sit up. “No, they never gave up.”

Another silence fell between the two. Her eyes glanced to the digital announcement board, which told them the wait time.

Forty-six minutes. The next bus was forty-six minutes away.

“It’ll be here any minute.” His voice was lighter, yet tighter, more clipped. “Those things always lie.”

She caught his gaze, held it, even though the longer they sat there the more it began to hurt.

“It’s God, isn’t it?” She whispered, not trusting her voice to hold steady, not trusting herself to speak without the words beginning to shake.

Somehow his hand had found hers. Somehow their fingers had become entwined, their grips tight as if they were clinging onto one another, as if they were trying to hold onto the last piece that was entirely ‘them.’

“Yes.”

Rey refused to cry. She refused to break down. Not here, not now.

Instead she offered nothing more but a small nod. The skin on her fingers became blanched, turning a milky white as she refused to lighten her grasp. She wasn’t ready to let go. She wasn’t ready, not yet.

“The worst part-” Rey couldn’t hide the quiver in her voice, just like she couldn’t hide the moisture in her eyes. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. Her body was betraying her, was turning on her, just like her heart.

“The worst part, is that I really fucking love you.”

He let out a noise, a strangled sound that was caught between a laugh and a gasp. It was the kind of noise that didn’t have a name, the kind that a person made when the world suddenly didn’t make sense.

“I really love you. I love you.” 

In a way it felt better to say it, it felt good to release this thing she had been holding deep inside for so long. 

It also hurt beyond belief. 

“I know.” Was all he could respond. His body was angled towards her, their hands still entwined as his knees brushed against hers. “I know.” He was leaning towards her, brushing his lips against her forehead, her temple, her cheek. His mouth hovered by her ear, as his large hand came up to cup her cheek, the pad of his thumb moving back and forth, brushing over the soft skin.

“It’ll pass.”

Rey bit back a sob. She refused to let out. Instead she forced herself to swallow it down, as she offered Ben nothing more than a small nod and a sad smile.

They continued to sit there. Time began to move both too fast and too slow.

Then it was all over. He was moving to stand up. Her hands were falling away from his.

The space that his body vacated felt vast, empty, cold.

Ben was a foot away, now two, now three. With every step, it felt as if the world had become cracked, that it had opened up into a large crater, leaving Ben on one side and Rey the other.

She wanted nothing more than to stand up; to go after him, to grab his hand and fight for him to stay. Rey knew that she could convince him. She knew that all it would take would be a touch, a whisper, a kiss.

It would be as simple as that, and yet Rey remained rooted to the bus bench, her legs feeling heavy as if they were made from lead. This was his choice. This was his decision, his life. 

And she knew that it was breaking him too, that this hurt him just as much as it hurt her.

“I love you.”

The words hurt more than they should. In fact, those three words weren’t supposed to hurt at all. They were supposed to bring hope, bring comfort, bring intimacy. Those words were meant to be a promise. Instead they just hung heavy in the air, nothing more than a promise of what could have been, just serving as a reminder of ‘what if.’

Then he was walking away, shoulders hunched, hands shoved into the pockets. He looked as defeated as Rey felt. It was only once his form had entirely retreated, only once Ben had completely disappeared into the darkness of the night, that Rey allowed herself to cry.

* * *

She allowed herself to wallow. She allowed herself to spend all day in bed, not worrying about eating proper meals or washing her hair. 

She gave herself time to mourn; to shed tears over the life she could have had. A life that maybe she did have, in some alternate universe where Ben Solo had not turned to religion to find meaning in life. A world where they were together, maybe sharing a flat. They would go to his parents for Sunday roast. They would spend Saturday mornings laying around, reading and watching TV, or maybe go for walks around the neighborhood.

What they did didn’t really matter, because they would be together.

Then one day, Rey got out of bed. She washed away the salt of her tears from her face, scrubbed at her cheeks until they were bright and pink and clean. She washed her body and combed her hair. 

“No more tears.” Rey made herself promise. “No more moping. No more.”

She tucked away all thoughts of him; she filed away the memory of how he smelled, how his mouth tasted, the face he made when she made him come. She put away the sound of his laugh, and the way his brows would furrow and his lips would press together when he was cross or lost in thought.

She put away how he made her feel and she put away all of those ‘what if’s.’

Rey took a step forward, ready to let the past die, ready to start a new chapter.

Then she began to live her life without him.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BEFORE YOU GATHER YOUR PITCHFORKS AND PROTEST SIGNS, JUST REMEMBER THERE'S MORE TO THIS STORY.
> 
> when i started this, back when i thought it was just going to be one chapter... and then three, and then finally six, i wasn't 100% decided on how i was going to end it. the season finale for fleabag was really a perfect ending, despite how much it hurt. maybe because of how much it hurt. it just added to the emotional roller coaster of the entire arc. 
> 
> so when i began to write, i kept going back and forth on how i would end this. do i keep to the original and end things the same? can i even do such a perfect scene justice? or do i give them a HEA? do i tie up all the loose ends, make it soft and wonderful and let love win?
> 
> after TROS... i just couldn't leave things so open ended and heavy. which is why there's going to be one more chapter, an epilogue.
> 
> as to what happens in that epilogue, well, you'll have to wait and see. XD i have it halfway written, so there hopefully won't be as long of a break between updates. just know that this isn't the end for these two.


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They said time heals all wounds, or at least it was supposed to. Rey wasn’t sure if “healed” would be the right word. She wasn’t sure if the cuts he left behind could ever fully fade away. 
> 
> But time made things easier.
> 
> Space did too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi my name is shannon and i have a problem adding more chapters than i previously planned for. what started out as an epilogue turned into another chapter.
> 
> once again thanks to my wonderful beta thanks to [bronwyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/here4thereylo/pseuds/here4thereylo). even after working sixty-something hours this week, she took time out of her crazy work schedule to read through this for me. you're the best, b! ♥️

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/182242012@N03/49577250587/in/dateposted-public/)

It felt like a step back. Back in a sandy beach town where the sea breeze whipped in your face, cold, harsh and unforgiving.

It felt like she was back where she started.

Alone.

But it also felt like where she needed to be.

They said time heals all wounds, or at least it was supposed to. Rey wasn’t sure if “healed” would be the right word. She wasn’t sure if the cuts he left behind could ever fully fade away. 

But time made things easier.

Space did too.

She cried the day she gave Han her two weeks notice, shoving the letter to his chest, not trusting her voice to work properly. He had been confused, but in typical Han fashion he had offered nothing more than a grumble and a clap on the back.

Chewie had gone into the office, but even behind the closed door she could hear the muffled wails of the beast of a man.

She subleted her apartment. She packed her things into boxes, only taking what she could fit in the backseat of her car. Everything else got left behind; donated or handed off to Finn and Poe to store away.

“I’ll be back.” Rey had promised her two best friends as she gave them the very last cardboard box. 

“When?” Finn had countered back, a frown etched into his features. “I want a date.”

“I’ll be back.” Was all she could do. She just kept repeating the three words over and over again, like a mantra that she intended to keep.

Because she did want to come back. She wanted to work for Han again, wanted to grab lunch with Leia. She wanted to have her best friends just a bus stop away, wanted to be able to hang out watching movies on Friday nights, to participate in Poe’s annual Mario Kart tournament that was supposed to last an afternoon but always ended up being three days long.

Rey wanted her old life back. Her life before…before him.

But she also didn’t want to erase what they had. She didn’t want to walk through a world where she hadn’t known Ben Solo, where she hadn’t loved him.

Even though it hurt, even though it was harder this way, Rey knew it was what needed to be done.

A fresh start, a new page.

She found a little houseboat to rent. It was cramped, outdated and the water never got hot enough. But it was a roof over her head and the rent was cheap, which in reality were Rey’s only true housing requirements.

A routine was formed. She got a job waitressing at a small cafe that was always filled to the brim with a good mix of locals looking for their morning coffee and tourists who were just looking to get away. She fixed things on the side; vacuum cleaners, toaster ovens, even a lamp once. Anything that provided her a challenge, that she could work on, something to fill her evenings and weekends, when the town got silent and the thoughts began creeping in.

Thoughts like maybe she could call him, could write to him. Maybe she could ask Leia how he was doing, ask Poe if he’s seen him around.

On the loneliest nights, Rey began to wonder if maybe she should go back home for a visit. Maybe she could drop by the church, could see if he was doing okay.

Before everything, they had been friends. Maybe they could be friends again…

No. Rey knew the moment the thought crossed her mind that there wasn’t any way to go back. They had stepped over that line. Hell, they had crashed through it, burning everything in its wake.

There was no going back, no rewind.

There was only forward.

So she fixed another toaster. She offered to help an older gentleman with his blender. She jump started a station wagon filled to the brim with suitcases, swimsuits and pool floaties. 

She kept busy. If her hands were moving then it didn’t give her mind time to think.

Finn was the only one who really kept in regular contact. They texted memes back and forth. He called her once a week to make sure that she hadn’t died, either by her own cooking or from falling off the dock and into the ocean.

“Why did you move to a beach town when you can’t swim?” He had asked her once. They had been talking for ten minutes; had already discussed the weather, his job, her job, and Poe. 

She shrugged, before realizing that he couldn’t see her. “I lived in a beach town when I was a kid. I swore I’d never go back, but I just needed something… familiar.”

Rey could already picture the face he was pulling; the sour expression that clearly said Finn didn’t understand her thought process at all. “But sand’s terrible. It’s so… so rough, coarse. It’s irritating.”

“Sometimes you need rough and coarse. Sometimes you even need irritating.”

In reality, Rey needed the sandy beaches and rolling waves to serve as a reminder that she had endured worse. That she could be alone without being lonely. 

That if she could survive a childhood of foster homes, going to bed with a hungry, aching belly and walking to school with holes in her sneakers, then she could survive him.

* * *

He called her once.

It was late. He had been drinking, walking around the hut that he called home, whiskey bottle in hand. His hair was sticking up on the ends, and Ben was pretty certain he had raked his fingers through it every time he blinked, every time he took a breath.

He kept pacing, kept moving back and forth. Ben felt jittery, uncertain about what to do. Throwing things seemed like a good idea. But a bad one too.

No he couldn’t fall back into old habits. He couldn’t spiral again, couldn’t take three steps back.

His phone was on the kitchen table, practically staring him down. It would be so easy to hear her voice. Ben hadn’t gotten the courage to delete her contact information yet. All he had to do was click her name. All he had to do was press ‘call’.

And he did. The phone rang once. Twice. Three times.

Ben hung up. He threw his phone across the room, his hands shaking and his chest feeling tight, as if the weight of the world was pressing on him, pushing him down, down down.

Suddenly the path placed before him seemed wrong.

Except that it couldn’t be. No, Ben wouldn’t allow that. This choice had been made so that Ben could be a good person; the best person he could be, in fact. He had made a commitment, had entered a marriage of sorts. He couldn’t turn his back on that now. 

He couldn’t quit. He couldn’t turn his back on his church, on his faith.

But what was he supposed to do when the one thing that was meant to feel sacred was no longer a god but a woman?

“You always have felt too much. You have such a big heart, Ben. It’s what makes you such a good person.” His mother told him the following week. She had stopped by, take out in hand. They sat at his kitchen table, picking at General Tso’s and spring rolls. 

He wasn’t even hungry. The food tasted bland, like cardboard. 

“I’m supposed to be helping people. I’m supposed to put others before me.” 

Leia reached across the table, covering his hand with her own. “Ben, how are you supposed to help people if you can’t even help yourself?”

* * * 

He took a leave from the parish. It wasn’t unheard of, for priests to take a leave of absence. To get some space, some air, some clarity.

Maybe it was what he should have done in the first place. Maybe he should have just taken a break from it all instead of choosing so hastily, so quickly.

“You love her.” His father had said to him right before the ceremony began, a mixture of sadness and pride in his eyes.

Ben had remained mute, silent. But there was no denying it. He did love her. He still did. He always would.

But sometimes love just wasn’t enough.

Duty was a strong emotion, perhaps even stronger than love. Duty meant commitment, meant putting aside your thoughts, your feelings, your life in order to see that commitment through. And that was what Ben needed to do. He was dedicated to a church, to a god. 

There wasn’t room for them both, so in the end duty had won out.

“What’s wrong?” His mother asked yet again when he showed up at their house, bags in hand. The parish hadn’t asked him to, but it hadn’t felt right to stay in the parsonage. He felt as if he was being reminded of his failures, of the fact he had ignored the warning signs and allowed himself to fall so far.

It was late. He couldn’t remember the last time he had taken a shower or the last thing he ate.

“I just need to think things through.” Ben promised, as he gently brushed by Leia and Han, en route to the stairs. “I just need some space.”

He heard his mother begin to speak, and heard the low rumble of Han’s voice in return. “Space, princess. He needs space.” 

They left him alone longer than Ben expected. 

It felt weird to be back in his childhood bedroom. He had half expected his parents to turn it into a home gym, or to replace all the band posters with portraits of birds. He had been gone for so long. Nearly a decade had passed without Ben speaking to them. 

But instead of letting him go, instead of allowing the past to drift away, to shrivel and die, they had held on. 

“Hope,” his mother had told him once, her eyes growing wet and her hand on his cheek. “I always had hope you would come back.”

Now the prodigal son had returned.

Ben hated it. Not their company, per se, but the feeling of being lost, of feeling aimless, like a compass that could not determine true north. 

He had felt like this before, spending so much time doubting himself that it had allowed other voices to creep inside his head and influence him.

Just recently Ben had begun to trust himself again, realizing those other voices were just figments of his imagination, and the only voice in his mind was his own. He was afraid to move in one direction or the other, afraid of making yet another wrong choice.

“You should go help your father out at the shop,” his mother had suggested one morning. Ben was eating breakfast, slowly spooning cereal into his mouth. He had been staying with his parents around two weeks at this point, barely a month after their wedding.

Instantly he froze, spoonful of Raisin Bran in midair. It only lasted a moment, barely longer than the blink of an eye, but it was enough. Ben didn’t answer and Leia fell silent. The only noise in the kitchen was the sound of metal hitting ceramic and the rustle of the morning paper.

“She left.”

It took every ounce of control to not look at his mother, to keep his features reserved, though he knew his telltale signs; the way he worked his jaw, the twitch of his eye. 

Nonetheless, he maintained the facade. “Who?”

He could feel it, his mother’s heavy gaze practically burning into his skin. She didn’t have to say a word, Ben could hear her ‘you know who’ ringing in his head, the words dripping heavily with sarcasm.

He took a beat, shifting in his seat, and took another bite of cereal, his teeth grinding against the bran flakes in a painfully slow, deliberate manner. Ben could drop this. He could change the subject, could excuse himself from the room or perhaps just remain silent. 

Once again his strength waned. His eyes flickered towards his mother. “Where did she go?”

Now it was Leia’s turn to take her time, to move in her chair, crossing her legs and then uncrossing them, licking the pad of her finger before she turned another page in the paper. Ben felt as if his skin was crawling with impatience. 

The old Ben would have ripped the paper from her hands, would have thrown his cereal bowl across the room, not caring about the mess or if it shattered. The Ben of a few years ago would have yelled, would have stormed out, his face red and his hands shaking with rage.

His knee began to bounce. He tried to focus on his cereal, but the bowl was almost empty apart from the dregs left at the very bottom. Usually he would drink down every last drop and soggy crumb, yet Ben felt himself rendered entirely frozen, completely useless to do nothing but wait with bated breath.

“She needed space.” 

The words hit him harder than they should. Of course she needed space. He needed space, and he hadn’t been the one left at the bus stop with red rimmed eyes and a broken heart. 

He nodded his head and finally released his vice grip from the spoon, allowing the utensil to clatter uselessly against the bowl.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Leia reached out a hand, her palm hovering over his arm. Her fingertips brushed gently over the cotton of his sleeve, and Ben moved to stand, giving a small shake of his head.

It hurt too much to think about it, let alone to put into words what really had happened. For some reason that made it more concrete, made it feel like a truly tangible thing that had managed to slip away.

So he gave the only answer he could, the one that truly summarized the crux of the situation.

“I chose God.”

The air felt stiff, the weight of his words settling both on his mother’s mind and his.

_ You should feel happy, at the least confident in your choice _ , a voice kept whispering in Ben’s ear.  _ You were at a crossroads and you chose a path. Just forget it all, just leave it all behind. _

Let the past die. Kill it if you have to.

Ben rinsed out his bowl, watched the last of his cereal and milk swirl in the soapy water. “I’m going to head out. I have some errands to run. Text me if you need anything.” He was making excuses. Ben had nowhere to go, no reason to get away. 

Maybe this would be the day clarity would dawn upon him. Maybe fresh air and a stroll around the block would finally provide all the answers.

He was shrugging on his coat as he slipped outside, pulling the front door shut behind him. By the time Ben reached the end of the walkway, he realized his mother hadn’t answered his question. She hadn’t told him where Rey went, hadn’t said if it was temporary, a vacation or something more long term.

It’s for the best, Ben kept telling himself. It provided less temptation.

He didn’t know why, but the urge to find her was stronger than the one to visit when he knew she was just a couple towns over. Maybe because he knew where she was at, knew where she lived, where she worked. Maybe because he had felt, in a way that she would always be there, like a simmering pot on the back burner.

It wasn’t fair, those thoughts. It wasn’t fair to him, and it especially wasn’t fair to her.

Yet the moment he heard she had left, the moment he knew she wasn’t just a few bus stops away, it took everything in Ben to not try and find her. He had had his chance, had her entire body and soul offered up on a silver platter.

And he had said no. 

No, it was best he didn’t know. 

He pulled out his phone, found her number in his contacts. For a moment his finger hovered over the screen. His eyes traced over her name, over the goofy picture she had taken for her contact picture. Her mouth was open, her eyes crossed.

Ben hit delete.

He had made his choice.

_ Let the past die. _

* * *

Her skin was a delicious shade of golden tan, her freckles more prominent under the near constant rays of the sun. She was running in the mornings. She could feel her body growing leaner, and could feel her muscles growing strong. 

Even her legs seemed longer, though Rey was pretty positive it was more likely her shorts had shrunk rather than the fact she had actually grown taller.

Work was steady, but not overwhelming. It was the type of work where her feet hurt and her body felt tired by the end of the day, but she didn’t bring any baggage home. She began to get regular customers, locals that tipped well and already knew her name. She was making friends, even though they didn’t hold a candle to the people she had left behind.

It was a fresh start, a new beginning. It was everything she had wanted, had hoped for by leaving everyone she loved behind.

But the wound still ached, still hurt. She still cried. Mostly at night, when she had nothing but her thoughts to fill her head. But sometimes it would strike her out of the blue. It would hit her full blast, leaving nothing but her heart hurting and her lungs feeling constricted, her entire chest feeling too tight.

It happened at work once. She got a whiff of the coffee, got struck by an image of him sitting in a cafe thousands of miles away. His head was tilted back, his laugh was loud. She saw flashes of his crooked teeth, could see the way his body shook and the way his fingers ran through his dark hair, pushing it back away from his forehead.

The image was so clear in her mind, and she had to do a double take to confirm that Ben Solo hadn’t suddenly strolled into the diner and taken a seat.

She gave a shake of her head, blinked once or twice. Much like a mirage in the desert, the illusion faded away. All that was left were the same red vinyl booths, the same speckled tables from the 50’s and mismatched chairs.

Rey wasn’t sure what would hurt more, if he had really shown up after all this time or the fact he wasn’t there now, that he never was there no matter how vivid the memories, no matter how real the dreams seemed.

_ Stop it _ , She would tell herself, her voice stern like a scorned parent.  _ Forget about him. Move on. _

A guy asked her out. Rey said yes. He had a boat, liked to spend most of his time traveling though he visited this particular town frequently. They got dinner, took a walk on the beach. She wore a nice sundress and the conversation came easy. Rey made him laugh. They fucked on his boat; on the dock, on the musty smelling sheets below deck. 

And it was good. It felt nice to be close to someone again, to have someone to talk to, to joke around with. It felt nice to be kissed, to be touched. 

The guy left the following week. He came to the diner to say goodbye. He asked Rey to call him, and gave him her number written on a napkin. Rey smiled and agreed, nodding her head. He kissed her goodbye, turned in the doorway and offered a wave.

Rey threw the napkin away the moment the door closed.

The problem with meeting the other half of your soul was that everyone else simply paled in comparison. It was looking at a lamp after staring at the sun. Even though the sun hurt you; could blind you and burn you, you knew that there would be no life without it.

A lamp on the other hand… a lamp you could live without.

  
  


* * *

The months bleed into a year, and then two. Finn long ago stopped asking when she was going to come back, and instead they talked about planning for him to visit. 

For a while it was just hypothetical, but then he finally did it; he took the vacation time, bought a plane ticket. And then, just like that, he’s there.

At first, Rey felt weird to see someone from her old life dropped in the middle of her new one.    
Like when two shows that have nothing in common than airing on the same network suddenly do a crossover episode. But Finn was her oldest friend, the closest thing she had to family. And soon he began to look right at home, laying out on the dock of her boat with BB, or standing in her tiny galley kitchen, chopping tomatoes for a salad.

“You have it good here, Peanut.” Finn said the night before he had to go back home. They’re curled up in two camp chairs, bundled up in hoodies and blankets and enjoying wine as well as the sound of the waves lapping against the side of the boat.

She can already hear his “but,” already knows that Finn has something more to say, something else to add on.

“But this isn’t home.”

It dropped like the other shoe, causing a rippling effect. Rey dropped her gaze to her lap, and she began to pick at a stray thread, not saying anything or meeting Finn’s eye.

“I just needed a fresh start,” she finally said, clearing her throat as she shifted in her seat. 

She heard the sound of metal scraping against wood as Finn dragged his chair closer to her own. “I know.” He reached out, covering her hands with his. “I know. But…Rey, at some point you have to stop holding on. One of these days, you’re going to need to let go. And the sooner you do that, the sooner maybe this can become home.”

* * *

Finn left. So Rey went back to work. She continued to fix things, to go on runs in the morning and curl up with a good book and BB on her lap at night. The tears stopped coming so easily. The memories stopped hitting her out of nowhere, like a car she hadn’t seen coming. No, instead they ebb and flow, like the gentle waves of the water. She can predict them more, can try to swallow down the grief and keep moving forward.

Then one day, Rey realized she hadn’t thought of him at all. A full week passed, and not once did Ben Solo cross her mind.

Progress. This was progress.

After all, two years was a very long time to be nurturing a broken heart.

The sun had set long ago. The diner was closed, all the salt shakers filled, the dishes washed and the table tops wiped down. Rey was the last one to leave, and she stood outside of the diner, struggling with the key in the lock. It was finicky, stubborn at best and she let out a stream of curse words underneath her breath.

“So are you a cool, swear-y waitress?”

She froze.

The deep baritone voice rumbled through her veins, her heart felt like it skipped a beat. She had been doing so good. It had been weeks and she hadn’t thought about him, hadn’t cried over him, hadn’t envisioned him standing there, looking so god damn tall and wide and just so fucking large.

Now she turned around and there he stood, clear as day, made entirely of flesh and bone, lit by the overhead street lights. 

Rey didn’t know if she wanted to scream in excitement or anger.

Instead, she did neither. “What are you- what are you doing here?” Her voice shook and her hands curled inwards at her sides. Already she was fidgeting with the hem of her shirt, wringing the fabric over and over again. 

He hesitated. He took a step forward, then two. He kept walking towards her, his movements slow and deliberate as if he too was afraid that she might be a mirage, one that would vanish into thin air.

“I needed to see you.”

“I don’t understand. How did you even find me?” Rey shook her head. She wanted to move, wanted to walk away, to run. But instead her feet remained glued to the wooden planks of the pier, as if she had suddenly grown roots.

He seemed to hesitate as he raised his hand to palm at the back of his neck. “I just- I kept looking. I’ve wanted to track you down for so long and I just-” His voice trailed off, and Rey’s eyes narrowed as she folded her arms across her chest.

“Poe?”

“Poe.”

Rey mentally cursed her friend. To Finn, being sworn to secrecy meant taking it to the grave. His boyfriend, on the other hand could be more easily bribed. 

“You should leave.” Her roots gave out, and Rey forced herself to move, to put space between herself and him. 

“Rey-” He darted forward, moved to try and block off her path. No matter where Rey stepped, he was always ahead of her, always there like a solid wall. 

“Move, Ben.” 

“No.”

“ _ Move _ .”

She reached forward, pressed the palms of her hands against the center of his chest. “Move.” Her voice was quiet, her body felt tired. And she  _ was  _ tired. Tired of fighting against something that felt so natural, tired of feeling like she was living her life swimming upstream. And just when she thought she had finally found her groove, just when she finally found a route to take, he appeared, a strong current to take her down under again.

“I love you.”

The words rang in her ears. Suddenly she felt as if she was sitting at that fucking bus stop again, the wound was open, bleeding and raw.

“That’s not enough.” Rey pushed past him roughly, her shoulder bumping against his. She needed to walk away, needed to put more distance between them, more space. She would just move again. She would find another place to begin a new, to start fresh, to give herself a chance to heal.

She felt his fingers curling around her wrist. He didn’t pull, but feeling his bare skin against hers was enough to stop Rey dead in her tracks.

“Why are you doing this?” She asked. Her voice cracked, and she swallowed down the sob that threatened to bubble up out of her throat. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Because I love you-” His hand came up to cup her cheek, and for a moment, just a moment Rey allowed herself to relish in the feeling of his touch. Her eyes slipped shut, she leaned into him, and for a second, barely the length of a blink or a breath, she heard him saying it, saying  _ I love you _ , over and over and over again.

What hurt the most is that she knew he meant it. She knew the feelings were there.

Then again, the feelings had never been the problem.

“Are you still at the church?” She forced her eyes to meet his. She hated the way she was acting, hated the fact that she couldn’t enjoy this for what it was. He was here. After holding out hope, after waiting for so long, he was here. He was standing before her, telling her how much he loved her.

And yet, it didn’t feel like enough. Not now, not anymore.

“I’m on leave.” 

Rey felt her teeth bite down on the inside of her cheek. She nodded her head, her hands on her hips as her gaze dropped to the ground. “Temporary.”

“Yes.” His tone was clipped. “Until I figure things out.”

“Like what? You love me but you’re still choosing him?” A bark of laughter slipped from her lips, the sound hollow. “For fucks sake, this feels like such a dramatic love triangle.” Rey was just afraid to ask who was the spouse and who was the mistress.

Ben began to work his jaw, as he folded and unfolded his arms across his chest. “It’s complicated.”

“Well that hasn’t changed then.”

“What do you want from me?!” He shouted, throwing his arms up, his features exasperated. “Do you want me to say that I’ve picked you? That I’ve given up my career, my beliefs, my fucking faith? That I threw it all away for you?”

Rey jerked her head back, blinking once and then twice as she willed the tears to not fall from her eyes. For once, she wanted to walk away from an argument with Ben Solo without crying.

“Yes.” The answer was selfish. Rey knew that. But was she not entitled to that? Were her needs, her wants not as important as his? For the first time in her damn life she wanted to feel like a priority, like a first choice opposed to just a consolation prize.

He shook his head. He began to pace. 

“Fine.”

Rey’s eyes snapped to his. “Fine.”

The air sizzled between them, static and charged, as the words, what they both had just agreed on began to sink in.

She opened her mouth, gaping like a fish and he just  _ stood _ there, tall and broad, with his defined chest rising and falling. Even with the dimly lit lights of the boardwalk, he was beautiful. His hair was a little longer, his facial hair in need of a trim. But fuck, he was just as beautiful as she had remembered.

He was staring right back at her, his eyes tracing over her body. 

Rey threw herself at him.

Ben caught her, swooped her up into his arms. 

How at home, she felt. How right.

Then again, their problem had never been about chemistry. It always lied in outside factors, things beyond their control.

Their lips met, devouring one another as her hands raked through his hair, tugging and pulling, trying to bring him close. Her legs wrapped around his waist as Ben stumbled forward, adjusting and shifting to the additional weight. It was a flurry of movement, her back slamming into the side of the diner, causing Rey to groan, the sound quickly swallowed by Ben’s sweeping tongue.

His mouth was  _ everywhere _ . Her mouth, her jaw, her neck, sucking and nipping, leaving bruises in his wake. 

_ Mark me _ , Rey couldn’t help but to think.  _ Leave a piece of yourself behind. Remind me of where I belong, who I belong to. _

There was a flurry of movement; her hands on his pants, undoing the belt buckle, the button, the fly. At the same time Ben pushed up the hem of her dress, his fingers skirting over her thighs in the process, sending a shiver down her spine.

She missed this. Him, and the moment that their lips met, from the moment they touched for the first time in so long, Rey knew that she would never be over him. No matter how much time passed, no matter how much their lives changed, Rey knew that there would always be a part of her heart that would belong to him.

* * *

With his pants pushed down just enough for his cock to spring free, Ben shifted his grasp on Rey, relying heavily on the wall behind her to help hold her up as he positioned himself at her entrance.

He pushed in, felt a bit of initial resistance, and then he slid home, his hips meeting hers as he bottomed out.

Home. It felt like home. So natural, so easy. If only the rest of the world could always fade away. If only it would always feel this right.

They began to move in tandem, pace increasing. He felt her hands in a constant rotation, her fingertips fluttering across his face, cupping the side of his neck, gripping his shoulders as they both chased their climax.

At one point Rey had dropped a hand down between them, and he quickly moved to replace her nimble fingers with his own thick digits, his thumb swiping back and forth over her clit.

They were nothing more than rhythmic movement and muffled groans, as their breath came out in steady huffs, almost as if they were breathing for one set of lungs, one body, one soul.

He got her to her peak, watched the way euphoria spread dreamlike and serene across her face. He took in the sight of her cheeks, rosy and flushed, and the way her eyes looked more green than hazel right now, in the dim, yellow lighting of the boardwalk.

It was only as her gaze met his, as he watched her lips spread into a soft, relaxed smile that Ben allowed himself to reach his own climax, as his come spurred in hot streaks. 

“I-“ Ben could barely speak, his voice raspy and hoarse. He was soon silenced by her fingers pressed to his lips, and how badly he wanted to open his mouth, to suck on them, to run his tongue up and down her digits, all while still inside of her.

“Stop. Don’t.” She shook her head, her thumb brushing back and forth over his bottom lip. “Let’s just-“ she started and then stalled, all while Ben stood there with bated breath, his legs beginning to tremble.

“Let’s just have tonight. Just give me tonight.”

So tonight was what they had.

They disentangled their bodies, and all Ben felt was empty, was cold as he pulled up his pants and redid his belt buckle and fly, all with shaking hands.

But then her palm slid across his, her fingers filling the spaces between his own, and it felt so natural, so simple, so right.

They walked in silence, Rey in the lead but Ben only a beat behind. He knew he should be taking in the sights, looking around at the new home she had found amongst the crashing waves and coarse sand.

Instead his eyes remained transfixed on her. Her hair was still short, cut just below her jawline. Her skin had become sun kissed, golden and tan. She looked like the epitome of happiness and appeared to be in good health.

This was not a woman who needed to be saved. This was not a woman who was struggling, who was floundering all alone.

Ben was surprised as she led him down to the docks, where a row of small boats were waiting, some lit up while others remained as dark as the night sky. He shot her a raised, quizzical brow and she offered nothing more than a sheepish smile and small shrug.

They made their way below deck, and Ben had to walk with his neck bent, his back hunched in order to avoid colliding his head with the ceiling. Rey moved, reaching out and suddenly there was a dim light, allowing a soft glow to fill the house boat.

It was small and narrow, but tidy. The walls were painted a crisp white, and a small galley kitchen took up half the space, complete with stools at the counter, while a small end table, couch, and bookshelf on the other end.

A pile of books and a half drunk water glass cluttered the end table, while the gray sofa had a large Afghan thrown over the back. A sleeping, orange and white cat was curled up on the other end, and it offered nothing more than a lazy glance before repositioning and drifted back off to sleep.

Ben had a hundred questions churning in his mind. He kept looking, kept taking in every nuanced detail of her home, of her day to day life.

But he didn’t ask a single question as Rey continued to lead him towards the back of the boat. There, in a small, round alcove, was a bed much larger than one would suspect in such a cramped space, yet still large enough that Ben knew he would fit. It would be tight quarters but as Rey dropped his hand and began to pull her dress up, over her head, well, tight quarters did not seem like such a bad thing.

He stood frozen, drinking in the sight of her skin before he was moving forward, closing the distance and skimming his hands over her arms, her shoulders, her hips, her breasts.

Ben continued to touch her, his fingers tracing over every freckle, every curve, every stretch of newly exposed flesh.

It all seemed so familiar, as if he had never forgotten the scar on her forearm, or the way the freckles grew in numbers over the expanse of her shoulder blades. No, how could he forget? The details had been merely stored away, pushed to a far corner of Ben’s mind until he needed them again.

Rey continued to strip, unhooking her bra and stepping out of her panties, until she stood before him, completely bare and beautiful. 

She grinned at him, showing off a quick flash of pearly white teeth. “Your turn,” Rey murmured, a small jerk of her head accompanying her words.

Ben’s hands dropped to the hem of his own shirt, tugging the garment up and over his head all while he felt Rey tug at the waistband of his jeans.

They both moved slower, the pace far less rushed than it had been outside on the boardwalk. Instead of being a frenzy of movement, now they took their time, refamiliarizing one another with their bodies, the taste of their mouths, the scent of their skin.

It was like riding a bike again, like catching up with an old friend, someone who once upon a time had known all your quirks and secrets, but now, with the passing of time, could tell things had changed. No longer was Rey the girl that Ben knew everything about. No, she was both familiar and a stranger, someone who he knew yet also someone brand new.

But this? This felt the same, and there was both a comfort and a sadness that lingered in every touch, in every kiss.

As their bodies came together once more, Ben knew it would be the last time, and he knew Rey could feel that too. For this was not their time. Not now. Maybe not ever. Maybe it would need to wait until another life. 

But they would have this night.

He felt wetness on his cheeks, and Ben wasn’t sure who the tears belonged to, if they were his or hers or a mixture of both. Their bodies continued to move in a slow, sensual rhythm, as they clung to one another, holding each other close.

“It’ll pass.” Ben found himself whispering the same words he had spoken so long ago on that fateful night, when he had resigned himself to walk away for good. “It’ll pass. It’ll pass.”

And it would. 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like i said, this is not the end! the epilogue is written, beta'd and ready to post. it will be up by the end of the week. 
> 
> all comments/kudos are appreciated! ♥️
> 
> feel free to follow me on [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/shuhannon)


	7. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She stood on the beach, her eyes squinting against the bright sun as the cool waves lapped at her feet. Around her families were gathered, eating picnic lunches on blankets spread over the hot sand, or splashed around in the tide as it came in. Teenagers milled about, pop music blaring as they lathered each other in coat upon coat of tanning oil.
> 
> Couples were there too, walking hand in hand along the beach or wading into the ocean, screams of delight mixing with the calls of the seagulls that flew overhead. 
> 
> Everyone was happy on the beach.
> 
> But Rey, was the happiest of them all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once more, i cannot thank [bronwyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/here4thereylo/pseuds/here4thereylo) enough for beta-ing. not only did she provide great commentary to the emotional roller coaster that was this story, but she fixed all my grammar and became such a great friend who i cannot say enough kind things about. she's a brilliant writer, so smart, funny, and the hardest worker i know. ♥️
> 
> when i started this story, i thought it was going to be a oneshot, maybe two chapters at most. then as i continued to write it, i just couldn't stop. the story kept unfolding. it pales in comparison to fleabag, the show that i've roughly based this on. if you haven't watched it yet, seriously go. it's television at it's finest. you'll laugh, you'll cry. i can't say enough good things about that show.
> 
> i also have to thank every one of you that read this, left a comment or a kudo, retweeted it on twitter or recommended it to someone in this wonderful community of reylos. thank you for not abandoning this fic even when weeks turned into months without an update, or when you thought these two were going to be happy, and i threw an angsty curve ball into the mix.
> 
> i've loved writing these two. i refuse to think of this as goodbye to them, but more a 'see you later'. i'm sure i'll be back at some point to check in on where life has taken this version of rey and ben.
> 
> ♥️

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/182242012@N03/49597166186/in/dateposted-public/)

_ One Year Later _

* * *

She stood on the beach, her eyes squinting against the bright sun as the cool waves lapped at her feet. Around her families were gathered, eating picnic lunches on blankets spread over the hot sand, or splashed around in the tide as it came in. Teenagers milled about, pop music blaring as they lathered each other in coat upon coat of tanning oil.

Couples were there too, walking hand in hand along the beach or wading into the ocean, screams of delight mixing with the calls of the seagulls that flew overhead. 

Everyone was happy on the beach.

But Rey, was the happiest of them all.

She clutched his latest letter in his hand, the paper wrinkled from the amount of times she had folded, unfolded and ran her fingers across his neat, loopy scrawl over and over again.

Rey had kept them; had kept every letter that he had sent.

The first one had arrived not even a month after their night on the boat, after Rey had woken to a cold, empty bed with nothing but a note left behind on the vacated pillow. 

Someday, he had written, and for a moment all Rey could do was marvel at the beautiful letters, written with such care, such love.

Part of her wanted to break down, to spend the day in bed, wallowing and crying and mourning all the “what if’s.”

But that was not what he would want her to do. She couldn’t spend her life waiting on him, so out of the bed Rey rose. She washed her face, brushed her teeth and combed her hair. And she went on with her life, continued to put one foot in front of the other.

It wasn’t all easy. Somedays felt as if she was trying to swim upstream. She would see a tall man with broad shoulders, would have a customer flash her a smile, their crooked, imperfect teeth reminding her of his.

And sometimes, Rey would find herself at a bar after work, chatting with a man with caramel skin and kind eyes, and she would think,  _ yes this is where I’m meant to be. This is where I could find happiness. _

That Ben could be just another tale of her past, of the ex that was never truly an ex, of someone whose own destiny was too great for something as trivial and mortal as love.

Then the letters arrived.

The first one was short, full of complete sentences crossed out, rendered indecipherable no matter how hard she squinted or how close she held the pages to her face. Every legible word of it was polite, tentative, with questions about if she’s still working at that diner, and how he hoped things were going well.

She didn’t respond.

Then the next letter came, then the third, the fourth.

He stopped asking questions and instead began to paint pictures with his words, describing the places he was visiting and the people he met along the way.

Soon, a new letter was arriving every week, and Rey found herself rushing to open each envelope, careful not to rip the paper inside. She devoured his words, read and reread each line over and over again until they became etched inside of her mind.

The letters had been coming for nearly five months before Ben told her the story how he had left the church, had decided that living up to his uncle’s legacy, how he was trying to fix his grandfather’s mistakes, was not worth wasting his life over. How he had to start out on his own path to discover where he was meant to be.

And how he had to start on that path alone.

So Rey wrote him back.

She told him every mundane detail about her life, about how her cat, BB enjoyed sleeping by her head, about the regulars at the diner and the crazy tourist who ordered a side of carrots, then proceeded to feed them to a guinea pig that she pulled from her coat pocket.

They began a back and forth correspondence, began to rebuild the friendship they once had and long ago forgone in the sake of something else. Something that had been rocky at best, had been built upon unstable ground.

_ This _ felt solid. These letters, getting to know the new people they had become, it felt like something that could withstand the test of time, like something that could last.

Funny, how the moment you finally gave up, how when you decided to throw in the cards and called it a night, was when you finally won.

So when Ben wrote that he would be in her area soon, when he asked if she would be willing to see him, Rey didn’t hesitate before she wrote back yes.

Rey closed her eyes, as she took a deep breath of the salty, ocean air. 

She felt his presence before she saw him. Rey didn’t know how, but she felt his gaze like a hand in her back, steady and strong.

Then she turned, already grinning ear to ear, and there he was.

She didn’t hesitate before breaking into a run. Rey threw herself at him, her arms going around his neck as he welcomed her into a warm embrace.

He felt so solid, so tangible and real.

For a moment they said nothing, instead just relishing in the sensation of having a person who had been nothing more than words on paper and a distant voice in her head, to finally  _ be _ there, to be a living breathing body complete with blood his veins, breath in his lungs and flesh covering his bones.

“I missed you.” Rey whispered the words, her lips moving against his skin as she pressed her face into the crook of his neck.

“I missed you too, kid.”

The embrace finally broke, as Rey was lowered back down to the sandy ground. It was only now that she began to take in all the changes, the physical signs that showed the passing of time.

His hair was longer, wavy from the humidity in the air. His eyes were still the same soft, warm brown color that reminded Rey so much of his mother. He also somehow seemed bigger, the cut of his shoulders seemingly broader, and his tee shirt fitting more snugly in the arms and across his chest.

But he was still the same old Ben.

Ben who looked happy, looked relaxed, who looked whole and  _ free. _

Her hands went to his hair, her fingers twirling the dark, inky tendrils over and over again, savoring in how soft it felt, how familiar.

And he was staring back down at her, looking like she was the key to it all, the reason for the smile across his face and the healthy glow to his skin.

“Hi.” Rey murmured quietly, suddenly feeling the weight of this moment on her shoulders. But instead of feeling suffocated by it, instead of feeling like it was a burden constantly pressing down, she relished in it. She welcomed the weight, for she was now strong enough to hold it, to support it, to carry it.

After all, how hard could it be when she had him to help her along the way?

“Hi.” Ben whispered back. His head was bent, ducked down, as slowly they migrated towards one another, as if their movements were dictated by an invisible magnet, by a silent force.

And as their lips met, as they came together in a moment that was years in the making, they both knew it, both felt it deep in their hearts, that now was their time.

_ This _ was their moment, when the stars aligned and the heavens smiled down upon them. This was their chance, their opportunity that no one thought would ever come.

This was it, and neither Rey or Ben were about to ever let go.

* * *

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all comments/kudos are appreciated! ♥️
> 
> feel free to follow me on [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/shuhannon)


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